Damn....Shit......M*thaF#ck@

*sighs* See.. and this is what I DIDN’T want to happen. Now.. everytime he talks to me he gets upset…why? because we can’t be together.. it would be not good in so many ways….and I can live with that. but… *sighs8 to him it is another sign of the fact that his world is falling apart.. and I don’t want to be that. I always want to be a support.. never a problem. and I am rapidly becoming a problem. *shakes head* love & depression do NOT go together. they are a dangerous combination… and I don’t want to be in that mix. So..what do I do know? Me.. being that Madame fix-it that I am.. HAVE to do something about this. I can’t say that I don’t love him…cuz that would be a lie… and can’t say that I don’t love him ‘like that’ cuz that would be a partial un truth. I KNOW that us… would be bad for him…simply because… *shrugs* of who I am.. I make a wonderful wonderful wonderful friend… but a really bad girlfriend *laughs* I was running it over in my mind what was wrong with me & my last few boyfriends. and I realized that somehow I manage to get absolutely WONDERFUL men…and somehow fuck ‘us’ up…at least in college. I don’t count high school. Let’s see…. 1# (Mike) me and him had a real love thing going on…but.. we had NOTHING in common… *shakes head* it was crazy that we managed to stay together for so oolong as it was. 2# (James) well now.. me & him had alot in common..but he was trying to get too serious too fast….and I really wasn’t trying to hear that. I have found folx who want to stay with me forever… and I get bored in about 9 months. and from then on it is all down hill. But I can be your friend… & your lover for life… just DON’T try to make me your woman.
*sighs* So what am I saying?? I don’t know…. I am kinda regretting that whole series of events that led up to this.. if I had followed my FIRST instinct and kept Jazzybelle to myself….we wouldn’t be here. But now that we are…what can I do? *sighs* I don’t know. I am not going to go forward…no matter how much he may think that I am what he needs. I can’t go back..the cat is out of the bag and it can’t be put back in..so what can I do??/I do I save our friendship…acknowledging the fact that yess I love him and yeess he loves me and nooo we won’t be together? How can I meld that into something that will help with his healing and not harm him? how can I create something from this...that will be good for us…as friends..

And I look back over this and I see all the what can I do and so forth…. instead of what can we do…why is that? because I feel at fault….*shakes head* my heart knew what I should have done from the start (not say anything) and then I had to go and mess it all up. *sighs* hell. welll...I don’t know….and if I as Jazz become a source of pain to him...how can I as Mami still be his closest friend? I mean I KNOW I have multiple personalities and shit…but damn...that is asking a bit much…shit… I will have to think about this...think long and hard. I talk to him and he leaves crying…. dammit…only the OTHER women were supposed to do this to him… my role is to protect him from hurt… which oddly enough means I have to protect him from me…well let me go…think…and try to…

Stay Jazzed.