Creeping Heart

Whoo…. That was fun… the world of point & click is amazing… it is kinda odd tho.. to have almost doubled the number of entries in a single day…. Ah well… I have coasted past the 100th entry…. So I guess my next goal is 200. Woo hooo… .

I am feeling kinda off balance.. I want to push everyone away because I feel… I feel like a creeper vine who is about to bloom and I want to be sure that the people I have around are people that I am willing to really really and truly love. I don’t know… I feel like I’m opening up and ready to let folx in.. *sucks in breath* I think…at least for now… I’m ready to fall in love again.

My heart
like a creeper vine
reaches out
to you
can I hold you close
kiss your eyelids like petals
listen to your heart beat
can I fall for you
fall into you
and stay immersed in you
for a lifetime
will you come with me
for a season
for a reason
for a lifetime
where are you?
who are you?
that calls out to my heart so sweetly
that makes me want to cry
and sing love songs
I’m here
I’m ready
I’m waiting for you to come back to me
and love us forever

I called Little One’s (MJW) house yesterday… and hung up because I was so nervous. My stomach did triple somersaults…in perfect time to the racing of my heart. Me & nee had a nice long chit chat fest..and she really helped me. *sighs* I have finally figured out WHY I was so hurt…. His..actions…of the past year slapped me in the face with the realization that I am not as important to him as he is to me…and that I am just another friend…if even that. *winces* and finding out that the man who you have loved forever and a day (as Nee says… since sperm & egg) doesn’t even consider a very important friend.. *shivers* it’s kinda ugly…but that is all hypothetical… cuz I don’t know how he treats the important people in his life. *sighs* So… I am gonna grab my ovaries…and ask him. Flat out. What value he puts on our relationship...friendship…whatever the hell you want to call it. *sucks in breath* SO I will hopefully find out…for either good or bad or neutral…and I know that I won’t collapse forever.. I will be hurt.. and bruised and my heart will want to scream ahh fuck it all…but after a while I will heal…and I will leave him behind. But at the same time.. I don’t think that will happen…*laughs* I think that Nee knows something that she won’t tell me… *sighs* ah well..

I got the full news on CAK & his girlfriend.. *sighs* it is weird… this is the first time I have really been in this position of seeing someone that I am in love with be with someone else… I mean.. I have been in love with one person and WITH someone else quite a few times… but this is the first time that I am on the other side of that fence. And while I wonder how his new/old relationship will change the one that we have… I am happy for him…the women he is with.. he has gone through a lot with her.. and somehow I think that she will be good for him. *sighs* *raised eyebrow* was her name Marnita? *shakes head* that would be ironic & funny and utterly scary… If it was.. I have to go and read over my writings again…

My sexcapades have reached an impasse…I have a chance to get with one of my friends.. and I like him too much to feel really comfy in sleeping with him. I don’t want our friendship/relationship whatever to be bounded by sex..and I feel like sleeping with him would do that. *sighs* but he is such an appetizing little morsel… *laughs* and then since I like him as a friend so much.. I feel like I’m teetering on that edge of falling in love with him...and with me.. sex is a catalyst many a time… I tend to like folx MORE after I have had sex with them.. so if I already like you a lot… and my like leans in the direction of love… *sighs* sex is a deadly thing to add to that…I need to go and do some work…

Stay Jazzed