Location of Conscience

Rain falls.
Wind Blows.
Fire…burns.

All things have their place, their own sphere of life that defines them. Sometimes I wish that I knew WHAT my sphere of life was, what defines me. I could find it in religion I suppose, but it seems that too many religions define me as a baby maker and a silent partner, which does NOT fit my nature. I could find it in a job, but…there are so many things that can be done, my mind boggles at the thought of managing to find the right one. So I’m drifting through life, tying to find my ‘niche’ My place, where I can best work my magic and feel my joy.
I used to think that I had skills…in writing and understanding. But I’m not so sure anymore, mainly because I have lost that…flow…that connection to words that made choosing JUST the right phrase almost second nature. I have lost something, that I’m not sure I can get back just by exercising the skill. I don’t know what I will do with myself…today or tomorrow.
I’m not sure if I have talked about this here, before, but I will do it now because I am facing a crisis of conscience. I have a very good friend (I have mentioned him before) called JEH. We were, about two years ago, an ‘item’ We had a great relationship, passionate, fun, serious…on occasion. HE started getting to serious...mentioning that M word and stuff, and I re-fell in Love with MJW. Those processes totally ended any hope of our relationship, but god knows, I remember more fun & good with him than with any of my other men. Annywayy… he has this girlfriend. They met in *thinks* October, and when they met she had a boyfriend. They ‘slept’ together for a while…almost 2 months, before she finally (and only due to MUCH pressure from JEH) broke up with her boyfriend. Mind you, she broke up with him...by having an argument, dropping him off, and never calling him back. *sighs* To continue, he is deeply, deeply in love with her. He wants to marry her. And I think that is all well & great & good. But...the problem is…she is a bitch. *shrugs* not just any kinda bitch, but a crazy one. She has pulled him away from all his friends (female & male) she doesn’t like for her to go out without, she...I won’t say MAKES, but she strongly encourages him to work two jobs so he can cover her bills…*sighs* And all this is going on while he is STILL trying to get out of school. I see abusive patterns written all over this. Emotional ( she throws fits & guilt trips any time she doesn’t get what she wants WHEN she wants it), physical (she slaps, bites & kicks him), verbal (calls him stupid, accuses him of cheating with anything in a skirt) ..and it worries me. *Sighs* but the things is...he is IN LOVE WITH HER. And I know, from previous experience, the love is most definitely blind. And… I don’t know. I want to be like JEH...you REALLLLY might want to break up with her before she breaks your heart……or head. But I know that he won’t take that in the spirit that I would offer it. So I am at a crisis point. I want to say something, but I’m not sure what I want to say or how to say it. I have already offered him a place to stay if she ever decides to kick him out, but.. *sighs* my protector genes are popping up again. I hate to see my friends hurt…by ANYONE…especially when I saw it coming. I want to try to save him from himself & his love basically, and I know it just won’t work like that. So...my crisis (to recap) is… do I say something and risk losing a friend because he isn’t ready to hear it…or do I stay quiet and act as a listening ear that is sympathetic to his agony of decision? SO far I have been doing the whole listening ear thing...and it is working pretty well….*sighs* but I am afraid for him. I am afraid that..something will happen between them that will totally change the kind of man that he is. We women have that power ya know… to completely alter the way one man looks at all of us. And I really don’t want her to even have the CHANCE to exercise that power against him.


Stay Jazzed.