Loving Self Can be So Hard

Honesty can be demanding....learn to love yourself... it's a great great feeling...

I need a safeword for my heart. A word that says stop and go no further. You are taking me to places that I’m scared to be.

If
i could dream of anything
i would dream myself back to you
i would drift into your arms
and kiss your lips
and wait for you to open you eyes to me
and like the earth
and the moon
we could dance around each other
joined by bonds stronger than
time
and older than forever.

Am I talking myself into a madness of love? Is the fact that I AM a drama queen over whelming me into acting this way? Damn. What do you do when you can’t trust your heart? And I refuse…once…twice…three times to hurt him by falling in & out of love as I tend to do. *ooh* I would hurt myself before I hurt him. He doesn’t deserve it. *siiigghhs* dammit to HELL. I just don’t know what my feelings are. Sometimes I’m head over heels ….sometimes he is just CAK other times…. *groans* Ahhhh mi papi mi corazon….*dammit* I WANT to believe it is true..but I can’t trust myself to trust him.

*sighs* I might have to take the suckers path out. He…is there. I…am here. *sighs* although he ISN’T moving to California (I damn near did a backflip….*flashback...watching his lips move as he talked about his father…hardly hearing them lost in amazement that those lips rained down blessing on my neck & shoulders and made me weak… actually physically weak in the knees. I brought a book and don’t even remember what is was* when he said that he wouldn’t be moving.) But was that backflip for Mi corazon…or was it for CAK…or was it mi Papi… (lover…brother…friend). Oh god. I want to curl up into him. Not in his arms but IN HIM… Climb into his eyes and his heart and his mind and love him til he can’t be loved anymore. *shakes head* but I can’t trust my heart…and I won’t hurt him by trying to trust it now. *siighs* dammmmmmmmit!

I’m trying...so hard….to ….

Stay Jazzed…..