Blood Madness

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Warning….what follows will be about sex & blood & emotional problems & if you value your sanity or your stomach you won’t read it.

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Okay… I’m sorry… I just HAVE to get this out… issues and morbid things that I have….I wear two silver bangles, one on each wrist…they aren’t round anymore, but more oval so that the fit just perfectly around my wrist. And when I changes tempuratures (walking from outside to the AC or the other way around) the change is registered in my bangles, which registers against that vein on the inside of my arm. And everytime it happens I wonder what it would look like and feel like to cut that vein open. No.. I don’t want to kill myself, but I am just fascinated by blood…mainly mine. And since I have little wrists (almost the only remoely dainty things on me) I can just feel the blood pumping through my skin…. Barely held back.. something that the lightest stroke of a sharp kinfe would set free…and then this chant (ihaave NO clue where it came/comes from) alwaysdrifts through my head
blood is the strength
blood is the power
blood flows
in the final hour
blood holds all
blood sets free
blood is alpha and omega
the blood is within me

and I have no clue…but it sounds RIGHT. And sometimes I just want to cut my self and see what happens…I know there was a period when I was around… hmmm 14? 15? …when I was into scarring myself….I only have one scar leftfrom that period.. a big one on my upper thigh. I would…delicately scrape skin off of a section of my body, and then pick off the partial scar so that it would last dark, but the faded pretty easily… and now I want to scar my wrists… just on the inside… delicate tracings of old cuts and new blood welling up.. *sighs* someething else…odd.. I have been having the weirdest episodes of lucid dreaming on the bus on the way home.. only on the bus mind you.. never on the train.. or at home… only on the bus.. they are usually about me having sex with someone I had seen not too much before that… if they are not about death in some shape or form…or both. *sighs* I am owrried and wondering as to where all of this is coming from.. and then my moods swings are getting better and worse at the same time.. I stay cheerful more, but I can drop into utter anger so quickly… or just a state of listless depression…now since my period utterly sneaked up on me this month.. it could just me a touch of PMS.. but I don’t know…and then that is odd too.. my period NEVER comes quietly… she usually comes roaring and raging and pouring out of me with a scary fierceness…but this month she has come quietly and sits here… this is the first time in … years that I have had a period that I could actually FORGET about. I remember there was an old entry of Jane Sas where she talked about wanting to save some of her flow for use in…ceremonies I belive it was. When I read that I was sooo relieved because I have always wanted to do that.. because I don’t know.. to me the my bleeeding is a celebration of the pontential of life…and that seems llike something powerful to me.. something that shouldn’t just me flushed away…I wished that I could live in one of those societies where the women could seoparte themselves and me at one with themselves at that time…I would want to do that;. And stare up at the full moon…because my period is slowly creeping so that the midpoint of it (now) is on the same day as the full moon and I think that is the MOST amazing thing ever. *smiles* it is one of the things that makes me feel more rather than less connected to myself…and the world…*sighs* writing all that down makes me feel so much better… it is like flinging ashes onto water.. it makes to true difference to the world whether they are in an urn or in the sea… but the heart changes somehow… speaking of heart changes… *sighs* sex & the human heart & stuff … *laughs* that sounds like it needs to be a movie title… I want to be free man.. I don’t want to have to do anything to worry about anything I want to be able to study myself and my blood and my world and be amazed by how connected it all is… and I don’t want to ever have to worry about anything else than me. *sighs* sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy…everyone calls me crazy…*shrugs* I have multiple facets of a single personality… and I am moody as hell...and I am…so fucking different it is no longer even anything remotely close to amusing.. and I wonder how different do you have to be before you are utterly outside of society.. and damn what anyone says ..humans are societal creatures and a lack of a society changes us into something no longer quite human and I wonder how close I’m getting to that line.. and I wonder why I don’t care anymore.

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Ah.. that was good for me…..I think that I am lighter now.. freer… cleaner…almost close to being able to….



Stay Jazzed.