Perchance....

The extents the human heart will go to avoid stuff is absolutely freaking AMAZING. *sighs* I really DON’T want to talk about this or deal with it, and because of that I KNOW that it is something of vital importance to me. And things are simply ganging up on me….trying to force me to face what I am afraid of square in the face. Okay.. to put it simply and far less clearly than it needs to be but,.. I am in love..deep head over heels unlike any other… with a gay man. oohhh yeah.. shades of "object of my affection". Why? *shrugs* no clue.. I dare not try to examine my love for him too deeply. I have loved him since….the summer of 93? 94? and…. never has it been returned. As I have said before…he is a…closed off person. I have learned a lot of what I know about shutting down & shutting off emotions from him…not always by example, but more for my own protection. An uncontrolled heart can be a blade in one’s soul…and he has cut me up something terrible.

*sighs* And now Nee wants me to face him. Between her.. and this absolutely FRIGHTENING horoscope and my reading this morning in the Simple Stack (more on that later)..and the fact that I KNOW I will utterly lose any kind of friendship I have with him if I don’t face this NOW….*sighs* I have to peel off my scabs and face him anew…open heart open hands. Face him with what? the truth.. in all of it’s agonizing shamefulness. (why is it shameful.. I don’t know..I’m flowing with what I feel) of the fact that I have been so head over heels in love with him for so long that almost our whole relationship (at least from that side) is based on that. The fact that I am AFRAID of him..simply because he holds my heart in his hands.. and doesn’t even know it… the fact that the REAL reason that I am so indifferent to him now is because I had to STOP caring about him in order to STOP hurting because I was under the delusion that he loved me a little too…. I have to admit that as much as I LIKE his boyfriend…. it broke my heart when they got together.. and when they stayed together.. and he is the ONLY person I have ever had to deal with the green eyed monster of jealously over. I have to spill my guts & my heart & my soul and god knows I have never been able to do that with ease…and certainly not without a great deal of pain.

My heart hurts.
My stomach hurts.
I want to cry…and I haven’t even mustered up the courage to email him or call him yet. What is this madness? is THIS what they call love? *shakes head* is THIS why I have run away madly from any other kinda love that even had the POTENTIAL to become strong & true and forever.. is THIS why I can’t trust my heart…because I LARGE chunk of it still belongs to him?? *sighs* I don’t know… I don’t know what I’m going to do.. Nee says that I should invite him down.. but.. *shakes head* I can barely TALK to him without tides of anger and bitterness and fear threatening to overwhelm me and make me say things that my ears aren’t ready to hear…and my heart isn’t ready to deal with…seeing him.. oh god. I would be no more good…. but I can’t keep hiding behind my cold wall. *shakes head* I miss him so much sometimes it HURTS. I cry for no reason…I daydream over a man on the bus that looks like him.. I feel like an UTTER fool..yet I can’t stop.. *sighs* I want to be OUT of love with him soo bad it HURTS. and I have tried everything I can think of to do it… form fucking others to loving others to hating him….and none of it has worked. I need to purge my heart of his love and simply leave the friendship. Dammit. I don’t know… I KNOW he cares… otherwise we would have never stayed friends this long.. but I KNOW he doesn’t care the way I do..and that hurts like hell. *sighs* Shit.. I mean what can I do… I have to do it.. I have to… I have to tell him again and again.. but what difference will it make? what SENSE will it make ? I lost those daydreams of us falling madly in love WITH EACH OTHER and flying off to some paradise place and getting married and living happily ever after. Yeah.. that one is gone… I have even partially lost the idea of having his kids.. (oh YEAH.. I wanted him to be my baby’s daddy..)..all I want know is his friendship…and that has become so tied up..for me.. is the love I have for him..*shakes head* I don’t knOW… have I said that often enough yet??? I just DON"T FUCKING KNOW. and I hate not knowing… I hate being lost in…myself. Shit. Shit shit shit…..and shit some more…..

Damn it all.

I hate this feeling. and it is supposed to be the best thing ever right? Well… I’m going to try to go to bed…and sleep…perchance to NOT dream…and I WILL..by all that is within & without me….

Stay Jazzed.