Loveeee & Happiness

Oh Joy! It isn’t dead and gone like I was afraid it was…. *siiggghhhs* I don’t know what I would do without it. I talked to MJW last night. We had quite the looong conversation too, highlighted more by it silences than its sounds. He asked me if I was mad at him…and I told him honestly not anymore, I was mad 3 or four months ago…but not anymore. HE asked me how I felt…and my best answer was indifferent. It is sad to feel that way about someone who for a while was an extension of you. But that is how it was...he tried to apologize…but…it was useless. He knew as well as I that an apology would be a waste of breath…an effort to correct something that has been utterly and completely broken. *shrugs* and it wasn’t until after I got off the phone that I realized WHY I am so indifferent to him at this point. After a while…your heart simply stops caring. In the face of such…indifference to you, you too become indifferent. It is sad, but honestly true…that I don’t care about him anymore. He is an acquaintance who used to be a friend. And I can’t say that I don’t miss him at times, because I do…but it will never be the same. I wonder…how many friends has he lost over the past year? And how many will he get back??

That reminds me of something else…How and when did nit caring become something to be proud of? When did we become so disconnected that almost anything can be shrugged off as unimportant? *sighs* I mean…I am sure that part of it is from the simple fact that there is TOO much to care about sometimes…that you can’t process it all...but damn…can’t we care about something other than money? Why can’t we value the priceless things…*sighs* I don’t know… and sometimes I catch myself doing it too…and that REALLY frightens me…because that not-caring is so prevalent that even tho I can see it and dislike it.. I still do it myself… *shudders* How horrible is that?

*yawnns* It has been a remarkably looonnnng day. Nee is moving in on Friday.. *sighs* SO I’m trying to work in as much alone time as possible. I talked to CAK last night after I got off the phone with MJW and… whoa. I don’t know. I HATE doing this to me…and him. … but I can’t trust myself. I feel this way NOW but will I feel this way 6 weeks from now? Will I feel it tomorrow? The love will always be there...but the kind and strength and heat of it…well who knows?? I think we will stay ‘just friends’ *shakes head* I tend to wreck people. And nahh.. I don’t want to wreck him… or hurt him… in any way… *shakes head* I feel like a Siren sometimes...tempting men to their deaths & feasting in their hearts…and I SWEAR……I never do it on purpose…it just happens that way….
And then I feel guilty for starting it in the first place. *sighs*

Well…I am so dehydrated…but I have to keep ‘talking’ …right after I get some water…

Stay Jazzed