Readings & Ramblings

Okay….I lied. I am not ready to go to bed.. my stomach still hurts. any way.. *deep calming breath* I need a drink. No I don’t… is THIS how folx become addicts? SO I will talk about something not totally dissimilar.. but close enough to being far away that I can live with it…. yeah.. I’m skirting around the edges again. Anywwaayy..

The Simple Stack & the Love Stack . I have two decks of cards.. 52 cards each.. that come from a series called ‘52 ways to..’ whatever. The two I have are 52 ways to stay in love forever and 52 ways to simplify you life. I can’t find (how ironic eh? ) the Love stack.. so I did a reading on the Simple stack. My readings? *sighs* they are kinda like tarot and kinda like a focusing of what I’m feeling… more the focusing than the tarot. I sit somewhere quiet and still and close my eyes and shuffle the cards. And as I’m shuffling I ask the question of MYSELF that is troubling me..as it relates to that stack. Like today.. I asked… what can I do about MJW that would allow my life to be simpler? See? relating to the simple stack. So.. then I spread out the cards.. and leaving my mind blank move my hands until I feel a tingling in my fingertips.. yeah I know it is most likely just my focused awareness of the blood in my body… but it works for me. I select five cards. The first is what is troubling me.. (where I am failing) the next three are things I can do to solve that problem.. the last one is a possible result of me NOT changing. So….I do readings….they work..most of the time.. in simply allowing me to focus on what I need to handle…and when they don’t.. I go through the deck itself.. and pull out card s that ‘speak’ to me…and read them and listen to what I’m trying to tell myself. It is kinda sad that I ignore my subconscious so fully. Kinda sad and kinda scary… so those are my readings… *sighs* I have the biggest headache right now…

Why is it that I LIKE taking other women’s men away from them?? *shakes head* I get a horrible thrill is seducing a man who is already committed… I can FEEL myself using tricks and flirting and doing things that I KNOW are wrong.. why? *shrugs* the lust of the chase is strong in me… but this.. this is RIDICULOUS…. I have learned to NOT rust myself around my friends boyfriends… I’m so fucking friendly.. *snorts* So many small things that could easily mess up my life and all the relationships a round me. Yet some…I respect too much to even PRETEND to touch.

I found out last night that some of JEH's (an ex) friends don’t like me because of the way I broke up with him. I broke up with him.. over the phone.. the summer of 1997…by telling him that I had become engaged to MJW. yeah… exceptionally fucked up. I know. he was fucked up for a while over that too… *sighs* I KNOW that somewhere down the road.. I will get slapped in the face with something like that too..cuz love be damned…he didn’t deserve that.
Yet.. no one questions my forgiveness (which I STILL don’t understand why I did ) of the fact that a mere year before that.. he told my THEN boyfriend (MMM) that I came to THEIR dorm..while MMM was there…. fucked him (JEH) more than once..and had been doing this for a while. An utter absolute fuckin lie…and why did he do it??? I never actually got a satisfactory reply from him..and I can’t understand it. I wonder if they know what we have put EACH other through.. and even if the y do..what business is it of theirs? *sighs* Yeah what I did was fucked up…. yeah what he did was fucked up… but we have both MOVED beyond it and are still friends…. that should say SOMETHING about the quality of people we feel the other to be. *shakes head* hell… I don’t understand humankind (including my self sometimes).

*sighs* I honestly think that I do suffer from depression. I realized a few days ago that ther wewas a time where I would feel a wonderful oneness of being… everything was wonderful and I was so full of joy I thought that I might BURST…but I haven’t felt that way for a while.. I realize that I actively DON’T w ant to be around people…I don’t know. Nee is fine.. I like having her here.. she is a friend..a close person.. I can handle that..but the thought of going out and dealing with others 8shudeers* I’d much rather stay at home ..thanks… so… I saw this ad in the paper looking for folx who exhibit some of the signs of depression.. and they will give you some ‘test’ to see if you suffer from it and then you will do this medical test thingy.. *yeah* I know.. I might grow horns.. but if I can be happy again… I don’t think I would mind…

I really do miss CAK now…I hope that we can be friends still..like we were before… with no thought or hope of a relationship.. *sighs* I don’t know if that is fair to him..but god knows.. sometimes I just need to hide away from love and sex and all this shit and go to someone who..I don’t know… who loves me & who desires me..but is utmost and above my friend. Someone who will understand that sometimes a hug can cure almost anything that ails you…that sometimes you just to fall asleep in someone’s arms… and wake up still there..and requires no words to say that it is all better now.. *sighs*

I don’t know what the hell I want. I want everything to be quiet just for a little while. *shakes head* I think that is why I have never considered killing myself. Suicide is SOOOOO permanent. I mean there is NO turning back.. and I try not to leave myself with only one way out.. it tends to mean bad things will happen.. so although I DO wish it was quiet and I had no worries and no fears and just NOTHING… I don’t want to die.. I just want to go to sleep for a really long time….and wake up to everything being much much better….*sighs* shades of blue…. I am tired. I am always tired. I need to be a vampire. They are dead but not. yeah…sleep for a LONG time…*sighs* I want all this shit to GO AWAY. NOW! but until it does… I will strive…and survive…and…

Stay Jazzed.