Sexy Noises Turn Me on...

Friends are a rare and precious commodity.
I feel the need to write, but I really can’t pick up anything to say… *sighs* My fingers dance across the keyboards in random patterns …flashes of pink & brown & cream… *sighs* but nothing comes from them but madness…empty words & hollow phrases. *sighs* I think I might call MJW today. Just to talk… though I doubt the he is at home because he is going to be a tutor counselor at Upward Bound this year. *grins* poor baby. Nee went first, then him. They both keep saying that I have to do it one summer, but I don’t know. I grew so much while I was there, I don’t know if going back would… I don’t know...be detrimental to the process. *shrugs* Also.. I’m not comfy enough in myself to deal with those folx. I don’t feel THAT much of a grown up. And I can’t seem to tell them that I just don’t have the self-esteem to handle those kids... I just can’t do it…I’m a punk. I wonder how many people are aware of that? *laughs* folx…think that I am so strong and so calm and everything…but I live in constant fear, constant nervousness, a constant awareness of the fact that I am lesser than others. *shrugs* I have no clue where those emotions come from, or why or how…but I have always been this way. I remember I always asked my boyfriends… ‘why do you love me?’ I simply can’t understand what people see in me. I am a wonderful friend…mainly because I strive to be. I work damn hard at friendship. I try to do everything that I can for my friends, I try to be as supportive as possible…so yeah I can understand why folx are my friends… but lovers? I could never see what makes/made folx fall head over heels for me…what in me causes that kind of reaction. *shrugs* I don’t know… residue from an ugly childhood maybe?
Hm…and I wonder… going back to my relationship with JEH.. I realize that we tended to relate to each other in one of three ways… words (poetry…we both love to write), sex or….not violence.. but extreme physicality. And I know that now (at this point in my life) I tend to relate to people through sex. And I wonder if I am suffering from arrested development.. or if it is the aspect of my personality that I thought I had squashed raising it’s head to daunt me. For a lonnng time in high school (hell most of high school) I did my damnest to use sex to get whatever I wanted. And it worked for a good long time, especially with my last b.f. from high school. Whatever I wanted I got...through seduction or just outright withholding of the goodies. Bu anyhow... I weaned myself any from that in college.. or at least I tried to…and while those 3 years changed me (I am hopelessly sexual…even when I’m not trying to be) and I wonder if now, I wonder if that is part of the reason why I’m bi…because since I relate to people sexually , through those small signals that mean attraction/repulsion arousement/flaccidity, the I am attracted to women sexually because I relate to them (as people) sexually. *sighs* Damn… off to a meeting.
Back…for a hot second…this weekend will either be very dull or very exciting…
I will either be going to a swing party (and NO I’m NOT talking about the dance) on Saturday, or I will be chilling at home...or I will be out with Nee. Either way, I don’t see me getting on here much. *sighs* I wish everyone a nice weekend…and I ask that all of you….

Stay Jazzed.