40 is the new 20

Like bloody hell it is.

Driving in to work this morning, a lady called in to give herself a birthday shout out, and the DJ commented that 40 is the new 20.

Even if I look at it from a perspective that with longer average lifespans, 40 isn't the 'end' of your life - but then, I never held to that, either. Hell, I don't consider 80 to be the 'end' of your life if you still have your mind and a good bit of your body and your health.

I'm only 30, and the idea that 40 is the new 20 was insulting as all get out - by the time I'm 40, I would have lived for 20 more year beyond my twenties. I'll be smarter, wiser, more confident, more secure, more Me. I'll have learned, and loved, and lost. I'll have overcome adversity, and I'll have given in to things I cannot change.

In fact, the ONLY thing that could possibly have NOT improved on me between the ages of 20 and 40 is my physical apperance - and nowadays, hell, that's not even a given. In ten years, I MIGHT not be obese anymore - it certainly gives me plenty of time to work towards it.

So, what, exactly makes 40 the new 20? Are 40y/o's now immature, still living with their parents, barely starting out on a carrer, and freshfaced and young? Holy shit, I most bloody well HOPE not.

I mean - really. Maybe that's what really pissed me off the most - the idea that perky boobs and a lack of crows feet are somehow better than all of the experience that extra twenty years provide. That if you could just stay suspended there - in your 20's - that makes you better than someone who has moved on and grown - maybe out, but DEFINITELY up.

But then, maybe that's the problem with this country and this culture, as a whole. We don't want to grow up. We want to stay children, and have someone else take care of us, and manage our retirement, and manage our health. We want someone to tell us what to eat, and when, and where to live, and what to want. Maybe we, as a country, HOPE that 40 is the new 20, because it means you can still be excused for not knowing better, for not caring more, for still having an adolescent attitude towards life.

No thank you. I happen to LIKE being an adult - with all the freedoms (and the pains) that entails. I only have two parents, and I don't need the gov't or society to be my stepparents of adulthood.

40 is the new 20 (0r 30) my ass. Droopy, stretchmarked, and bigger than it was 10/15/20 years ago as it may be.

Wolves

I'm not the kind to get ANGRY, really. Anger is a - foreign feeling for me, most of the time. Now, I'm not saying that I have never been angry in my life - oh, no, I've been ragingly, blindingly, FURIOUSLY angry - but it's usually because of a totally over the top violation of the interpersonal agreement someone has made with me.

I don't LIKE being angry. It hurts, and it's pointless, and while a good string of cuss words can release a little steam, real anger twirls and twines in my belly and starts to eat ME up.

Frustrated, though? Oh, yes, I think I live most of my life frustrated. That the driver ahead of me isn't moving fast enough. That my coworkers are idiots. That people online are asses. That DH doesn't see dirt. That I still haven't won the lottery.

I think the difference - at least for me - is that frustration prompts ME to change, whereas anger makes you want to force the other to change. And ya know, one of the things I do know is that there ain't shit that I can do to FORCE someone else to change who doesn't want to - as nice as it would be to think that a raging, ranting, cussing streak at someone would make them be less (or more) whatthefuckever - it's totally unrealistic.

And, ya know, I would have thought that MOST people would be aware of that by now - at least the people of an age to be parents, ya know? Esp. the ones who are trying to be non-angry, non-yelling, non-hitting, parents..... I would expect for them to have gone through the transition of anger -> frustration, and to have learned ways to constructively use that energy to encourage change.

But, I see (and have seen, and am very sad to see) that in general, it's not the case. Not sure if it's the 'mob mentality'. Not sure if some people LIKE being angry, LIKE being mean, LIKE being so self-centered that only THEIR way of thinking is acceptable/hearable/worthy, and anything that challenges that is to be stomped upon and put out of it's misery ASAP.

And it makes me sad, it does. It really, really, really does make me sad.

Because - ya know, because of my transition of anger -> frustration, the energy that I would have put into my anger, I can now use to give the benefit of the doubt. Being frustrated/confused is a lot less stressful than being angry, and it clouds the mind much less, and with that extra energy and extra clarity I can think about what's been said/done, and examine things from the others POV, and be able to ask the RIGHT questions to understand if anger is even a valid response to the situation - and suprisingly enough, not only is it RARELY the right answer to a situation, MOST of the fucking time, it makes the situation WORSE.

And to ME - finding out where other people are authentically at is exciting! It's enjoyable. I like understanding people, and understanding where they are truly coming from, and understanding whether they are TRULY assholes, or if they are just misunderstood, or if they are just not as facile with words as I might be.

And from there - still with the energy I've conserved by not flying off the handle - I can decide how I want to use my time and energy further.

There are several places that I frequent, and where I know that certain people are just unconvertable assholes. I've given them a chance, I've put myself in their shoes, I've asked questions, and yup - you're an asshole. And ya know what? I don't rail against them for being an asshole - whats' the point? If they haven't becoe less of an asshole by NOW - ain't no shit I type gonna change that.

Thankfully, I don't live with you, live near you, work with you, nor am I forced to respond to everything (or anything) you say - and in fact, I can step back, and just shake my head at the rampant assholery, send a little sympathy to the people who do HAVE to deal with you, and move on.

Is that SERIOUSLY an act of wisdom, or just plain fucking common sense?

Seriously, ya'll?

I'm SOOOOOO confused. And tired. Anger makes me tired. And 95% of the time, it's SO fucking petty and SO fucking pointless and the main people who are FEEDING the fucking anger are the same ones bitching about the negative energy.

*pulls hair out of head*

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?

I mean.......................okay. Maybe it's just that anger trumps logic. Maybe people are tired, and stressed, and feel like anger is their only outlet to get out the feelings they are repressing about everything else in their life. Maybe they take things out on the strangers on the other side of the screen because it's 'easy', and it appears to have no effect on the angry person. Maybe it's some hormonally related release of cortisol - a good tearing down of someone else leaves you feeling more relaxed and in control of the life that you actually have. Maybe it's that some people don't know how to express their feelings without being purposefully cruel - though, it's sad if your default setting is 'mean as shit'.

Though, I can't quite understand how the venom that you spew in one area CAN'T affect you, and your life as a whole - I mean, how can you be so cruel in one minute, and then turn around and be loving and kind and generous to your family the next? Isn't that a wee bit psychotic to be able to split your feelings that way? A little Eight Faces of Eve?

Or, maybe, it's that the persona - the words/actions - of people online aren't 'really' them. Maybe most people are reversed from me - where I am the person that I feel is MOST authetically me online, and I put up various facades to people offline - online is safe, for me. Maybe it's because it automatically puts people an arm length away - and from an armlength away, it's much harder to stab me in the back (or in the heart) than it is from right beside me.

I don't know.

All I know is, it gets on my fucking nerves. Sweet Mother of us all, how LONG does it take people to grow UP? And dear god, if this is how the people who DON'T believe in yelling/hitting their kids act towards other adults, I only shudder to think of what the parents who DO believe in yelling and hitting are like - and the kind of vicious, angry people they are raising.

This is why I'm a hermit. Seriously. People are fucking insane - wolves slavering over a feast of dark emotions.

 

---

 

There was a grandfather, his little grandson often came in the evenings to sit at his knee and ask the many questions that children ask.

One day the grandson came to his grandfather with a look of anger on his face.

Grandfather said, "Come, sit, tell me what has happened today."

The child sat and leaned his chin on his Grandfather's knee. Looking up into the wrinkled, nut brown face and the kind dark eyes; the child's anger turned to quite tears, and he told his story of mean boys taunting him and stealing a new possesion.

Once he finished the tale, the boy's anger returned, and he shouted -  "I hate them, I hate them all!"

The Grandfather, with eyes that have seen too much, lifted his grandson's face so his eyes looked into the boys. Grandfather said, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

"But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves inside me, one is white and one is black. The White Wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. But will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

"But, the Black Wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.

"Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy, looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes, and asked, "Which one wins Grandfather?"

The Grandfather, smiled and said, "The one I feed."

 

---

 

Please. For the sake of yourself, your family, your children, our world, your life - please, stop feeding the wrong fucking wolf. K? Thnx!

 

---

Hold On, Please

Dealing with Telephone Pests:
Three Little Magic Words

Steve Rubenstein
©2002 San Francisco Chronicle

Humanity could defeat its greatest scourge if everyone would repeat the phrase: "Hold on, please."

Three simple words, enough to change the world. Whenever a phone solicitor calls in the middle of dinner, don't get sore. Don't slam down the receiver. Don't hang up. Just say, "Hold on, please." Then gently set the receiver on the table and go about your business.

Why will this change the world? Because the solicitor will hold on, too. While the solicitor is on hold, he cannot bug other people in the middle of dinner, can he?

No, he can't.

For years, I have employed the Hold On Please technique. The mathematics behind the HOP technique are truly amazing. Phone solicitors make money because one or two saps in every 100 calls actually listen to the sales pitch and buy something. But what if each unsuccessful call took the solicitor a few minutes instead of a few seconds? What if a phone solicitor could make only a dozen calls per hour, instead of several hundred? Then it would no longer be cost-effective to bother people in the middle of dinner, would it?

No, it wouldn't.

A small idea, invented by me. My gift to the race. Simple, like the wheel.

(Some minutes later, after the solicitor decides you are not coming back and hangs up on his end, you will hear the distinctive wah-wah sound from your receiver, meaning it is OK to hang up your phone.)

Developing the Hold On Please technique is my way of atoning for an abysmal night I spent years ago in Oakland as an honest-to-God phone solicitor. The taskmaster of this enterprise -- a smarmy guy in used-car-salesman boots and mustache -- had jammed dozens of us youngsters into a cramped, stuffy room above a pizzeria. Each of us got a huge list of phone numbers, along with a script. (The charity that I was trying to raise money for, it turned out later, would only get 30 percent of the take -- the phone soliciting company bagged the rest.) Most of the time, I never even got to finish saying, "Hi, my name is Steve Rubenstein and I'm calling on behalf of . . ." before I would hear the Click.

Every few seconds, another click. Over and over. Click, click, click, click, click. We newbies were getting plenty frustrated. The head guy came over and said not to be discouraged, because quick clicks, as he called them, were a phone solicitor's friends. The true enemy, he said, were lonely people who kept you on the line for five or 10 minutes, and still didn't fork over any dough.

After an hour of the phone calling, after bugging dozens of people during dinner and being justifiably cussed at, screamed at and having my ancestry challenged in unsettling ways, I quit the job. The guy paid me my $5, not even 30 pieces of silver, and I slunk downstairs to the pizzeria for a beer and a sausage pizza to assuage my guilt. (Sausage can assuage, but Budweiser is wiser.)

It was then I came up with the Hold On Please technique. I mentioned it later to the head guy, after he came down for a beer of his own, and the edges of his used-car mustache seemed to droop. He said if everyone in the world did it, he'd be out of business.

Don't tell anyone, he pleaded. Just between you and me, he said. OK, I promised. So much for honor among thieves.

So there you are. It is nearly spring, a time of renewal, of rebirth. A time to give the world a fresh start.

Three simple words can do it. Remember, all great movements started small!!

---

Mwuahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

To further creep myself out....

Continuing the whole 'creeping myself out' process - here's another interesting tidbit around 2012 - I acutally read through the article and checked out some links - and this one about John Titor seemed - well, creepy. Basically (the short version) he was a dude who posted on the net in 2000/2001, claiming to be from 2036, andsaid he was 'returned' in order to jack some old school computer that was needed to decode some legacy *ROFLOL* programs.

Not saying I BELIEVE in any of this - but, hell - it's odd, ya know? Here are some of his statements about the next couple of years.

• A Second American Civil War from 2004-2008, during which civil liberties would be surrendered under the guise of National security. (I think this is the creepiest prediction of em all - we've still got another TWO YEARS to go)
• An event similar to the "parting of the Red Sea" will occur in 2012.
• Third World War in 2015, a gradual global escalation that was ended by Russia bombing American, European and Chinese cities.
  • John suggests "avoiding Washington DC" at approximately 3:45am, March 12, 2015.
  • Sometime before this point (referred to as "N-Day") China forcefully annexes Japan, Korea and Taiwan.
  • Chemical and Biological weapons are used, and some "non-lethal" weapons turned out to be quite lethal.
  • Australia successfully repels a Chinese invasion.
  • The war kills over 3 billion people.
• Post-war
  • Communities of survivors gathered and grew around libraries and universities.
  • The United States split into five regions based on various factors and differing military objectives.
  • The US Constitution was changed by a Constitutional Congress.
  • A President is elected for each of the five major areas of the US.
  • The powers of the union government are more defined and reside at the county and state level.
  • The Vice President is elected separately.
  • The US Capital is in Omaha, Nebraska.
• Life in 2036:
• Society
  • Military service plays a large part in day-to-day life.
  • Federally subsidized welfare is gone.
  • Capital Punishment is still implemented.
  • Communities have returned to a family/community centred state, advised by elders.
  • Politics is no longer dual-party, with over 10 major political parties.
  • Texas is Hispanized.
  • International travel is rare and infrequent.
• Religion and Beliefs
  • Religion is far more personal and plays a major part in day-to-day life.
  • There are no large centralized religions.
  • The Ten Commandments have been restored to the "10" that God gave Moses.
  • Sabbatarianism, or worship on Saturday is a common practice.
• Technology
  • Wireless internet is ubiquitous.
  • Television and Telephony are delivered via the Web.
  • Books and other hard media are now distributed online and printed from local hubs.
  • Napster distributes music, but Microsoft and Yahoo no longer exist.
  • Digital Cameras are the norm, film is used only by artists.
  • Power is not distributed over long distances. Alternate forms of generation are common, the most prevalent being solar.
• Environment
  • The environment is heavily affected by radiation. The lack of potable water is the biggest enviromental issue.
  • Global Warming has had little effect. Temperature is about the same although there were anomalies after the war.
  • The ice-caps are still melting at a constant rate.
  • Fresh water is hard to come by, thus supply is controlled.
• Health
• The birth rate is much lower, due to a high number of birth defects and stillbirths.
• Mad Cow, or vCJD in humans, is a devastating public health problem.
• Cures for AIDS and Cancer have not been found. Viral therapy is used for Cancer.

Interesting, isn't it?? I'm not sure what's worse - that none of this stuff would really SUPRISE me if it happened, or the fact that he said it would happen.

Why? Why not?

 Something else about me - I'm opinionated, but I'm curious and openminded as HELL too. I truly do like learning new things, and even more than that, I LOVE finding out how people think and what REALLY makes them tick.  I'm good for walking into the middle of a debate and asking the question that drives every parent crazy - "Why?"

Why do you do it this way instead of that way?
Why does it work better?
Why can't it be done that way?
Why do you believe that?
Why do you do that?
I'm good for doing this to C. He'll ask for my suggestions for a recipe, and he'll knock it down for whatever reason - and I begin with the whys. I've never been satisfied with a 'just because'.
Lately, I've noticed that some people don't deal with Whys very well. They tend to jump to the defensive immeadiately, defending themselves rather than trying to explain themselves. Maybe it's just a certain conversational/listening issue - but I've run across it several times - and I usually end up spluttering - I wasn't berating you! I wasn't trying to be belligerent! I just wanted to know WHY? I find that the question of why is the simplest and most mind-expanding thing you can ask if you are willing to follow the trail of answers. There are times when I'm thinking about something, and I'll wonder why. I'll hop online, and spend two hours tracking down fascinating little nibbles of information that sprung from a single, tiny, question - Why?
I think sometimes people are afraid of why because they don't KNOW why. And if you hve based anything of importance - any opinion of yours on a belief, and you can't explain WHY you believe that - it starts to chip away at your sense of stability. Most people just close themselves off - instead of exploring themselves and the reasons why - they'd much rather sit in the darkness of an unexplored mind.

Wanted: A Dancing Queens Castle

went out last night - I was really looking forward to it. I had picked out just the right outfit - clubbin appropiate without being slutty (oh, if I had only known then....). I wore a tank top with "I [heart shape] my freedom" on it - which everyone amusingly enough assumed to be in SUPPORT of that foolish war on Iraq, and a smidge over knee length skirt that I had trimmed last weekend but never wore, and a nice study pair of clunky shoes. I was a wee bit nervous about the tank top as it was a WEE bit tighter than I usually wear, and I've got a little jiggly belly that showed through some(oh, if I had only known then....)
I've gotten directions off of Yahoo! and I knew that ladies get in free before 11, so I figured I'd try to make it there by ten - just to be on the safe side. The directions took me down the back roads to some of the CREEPIEST neighborhoods I had ever seen in my life (foreboding anyone??). There were few street signs, fewer street lights, and even fewer fools besides me going down these roads. I'm guessing where Yahoo! led me was it's version of 'shortest time'. They've got 'most direct' and some other category but I really think they need to add another category - 'least creepy'. So - I finally get to the shopping center the club is in (after turning around twice) - and realize that it is BARELY a mile from an exit on the MAIN highway in the city - which I LIVE a block from. We all know how I went home, don't we? But I won't jump ahead.
I had to stop and ask a cop in front of the just closing (and very abandoned looking) LoBill to figure out how to actually get to the club - which ended up being behind the shopping center down a road that was in a MOST disreputable state. I pull into the parking lot at almost ten on the nose, and there were less than 10 cars there. I finally started to get worried. Then, I thought - okay, CP time, no one is really going to GET here until 10:30/10:45. I was brave enough to GO to a club alone, but there was no way in hell I was going to be the first person to walk into an empty club. So - I sat in the car for 45 minutes, smoking cloves and listening to my 'get pumped' CD.
Two guys stopped at my car - one security guy to see why I was lingering there (most likely thought I was stalking one of the non-existant club-goers) and another cheerful young fellow who tried to sell me three CD's. It's interesting - I always thought unsigned, uncommercial hip-hop was called underground, not indie, but after I sweetly told him I wasn't buying anything, he gave me a free CD of indie hiphop. I've yet to listen to it, but I'm sure it will be, if nothing else, interesting.
Around 10:30, suddenly the parking lot started to fill up - cars of women. This is when I REALLLY started to get nervous. I haven't lived in the hood, or associated with hoodlike people since I left Atlanta 3 years ago, and I've done enough maturing at this point that they aren't even FUNNY anymore. Every single woman who walked through that door personfied hood-trick in a different fashion. Whether it was the bootyshorts showing off the tattoo on both thighs (and the generous cellulite) with the droopily braless halter top, or if it was the big gurl who borrowed her ten year old (her SKINNY ten year old) little sisters dress for a shirt, it was worrisome. And I'm not even going to TALK about the hair. I may have been the ONLY woman in that club who grew all of the hair that was on her head. So - I watch this parade of women for about 10 minutes, then decided that I had better go on over before the line got too long. I brought 5 bucks, my ID, my car key, and my smokes with me - which shortened the search process considerably.
What is it wih black women and the whte eyeshadow? I could never get that - I NEVER thought it looked attractive, but that's clearly just me as the group of girls in front of me were sharing a stick before we got in the club, and the girl behind me looked like she had been slapped with a stick of it.
I make it through the search, and enter the club. This place was actually HUGE - I was really suprised by the size. There was a little bar and grill (hot wings and french fries), 4 bars, a nice sized VIP section, a pretty roomy dance floor and a smaller one, and a area in the back with 6 pool tables in it. Plus, there were several nice little seating areas - with TV's. I grabbed a good seat (so that I could watch the parade as it went by) and proceeded to wait. My ONLY reason to go was to dance - not to hookup, not to really talk to anybody, not to get drunk. Hell - I had to go to WORK the next morning. I waited...and waited...and waited some more - about a good 30 to 45 minutes had gone by before the DJ got set up really good and started playing music. In that time, this guy and girl at the bar next to the seating area got into a fight - much cursing, much accusations of being a 'broke ugly ass bitch' and 'weak ass nasty nigga' which ended with homeboy being gently escorted from the club. I watched the girl celebrate with her friends how she had just played him, and made a consious decision to stay as FAR away from her & her girls the rest of the night.
The DJ played NOTHING but hiphop, and the occasional slow jam (or assgrinders as he so colorfully called them). Now, don't get me wrong - I dig hiphop. It's not the easiest thing to dance to - but you can get down. I danced pretty steadily for about an hour, but after slapping four DIFFERENT pairs of hands away from going UP my skirt (annd I was actually dancing rather conservatively - comparing), and witnessing a girl literally hump a guy on the floor (and I was just praying that the bits I couldn't see had clothes on them), I decided that I needed to be MUCH drunker than the almost stone-sober I was to enjoy this. I held out dancing on and off until 1:45, then decided that it really wasn't going to get any better, and besides, I had to go to work in the morning. The club closed at 3am, and I didn't think I wanted to see the effects of any more alcohol in the bloodstreams of the folx around me. I had the distinct feeling that people had been shot as they were leaving this club, and I wanted to be gone WELL before that.
As I was leaving, there were still people coming INTO the club - white eyeliner and gold fronts everywhere. I laughed as I left - I swear, sometimes there are REALLY perfectly good reasons for not going out. As I left, the security guard told me to be sure to come back Saturday - as the club "gets a lot more live". I don't think I could HANDLE any more live than that.
So - now I'm on the hunt. I've GOT to find someplace that I can go and dance and have a good time without having to deal with nasty ass dudes and trampy acting girls and nasty attitudes in general. I hope it wasn't simply the almost all-black clientle that made it so...unpleasant (my people, my people) but I figure I'll try Have a Nice Day Cafe next Thursday - once again a cover free ladies night. Anything has GOT to be better than that - and it's much closer to home - on a MAIN street even. *sigh*
I'm a dancing queen with no club to call home.....

Wish me luck.

Ignorance

Honestly, sometimes I don't understand people. I'm not sure if it's mainly American people, or if it's just people in general - but it rather frightens me how sheeply people are.

I don't understand how women can take birth control (of any kind) without fully understanding the side effects.
I don't understand how anyone can go to the doctor and NOT realize that they didn't complete the examination before they leave.
I don't understand people who immediately dismiss anything that ruffles their world view without even CONSIDERING if it's true.
I don't understand parents who feed their kids food that they KNOW isn't healthy.
I don't understand how people can so easily abdicate responsibilty for their own lives by taking everything that they have ever learned at face value.

Maybe it's because I know a little bit about so MUCH stuff, and that I rarely (if ever) take what I first learn at face value. I'm naturally suspicious. But it's downright EXASPERATING when I try to share that knowledge with others - and they don't even CARE. ESPECIALLY when it has to do with health.

For example - several of my coworkers (for some reason) were having a conversation about milk. I mentioned the FACT that after the age of TWO most humans rapidly lose the ABILITY to fully digest milk - any kind of milk, especially cow's. One of my coworkers (without having ANY other information besides what the Diary Farmers of America have been pumping into the social arena) more or less called us 'crazy'. *sigh* And we aren't even going to TALK about how they dismissed the facts that the hormones in milk and meat cause girls to develop faster (and gain weight). It's KNOWLEDGE. It's understanding more about your body and our world and... I just don't GET how people are willing to just dismiss it - without even checking to see if it's true.

I'm usually a very outspoken person. I live in the heart of the Midwest, and a good majority of my personal choices are distinctly outside of the norm. I've adopted those choices because of the research I've done on it - not because some commercial told me to. Lately though, I've noticed myself keeping my mouth shut more and more. I'm TIRED of defending my choices because some NUMBNUT doesn't have to drive to inform themselves about the choices they are making.

I really need to find some 'unconventional' friends, otherwise I might bite my tongue off. I know that I can come off as VERY 'know-it-all' and I've been told sometimes that I am a little 'holier-than-thou', and truly, I try to remain concisous of that and let people make their own decisions - even if I viruently disargee with them. The hardest thing for me though is staying silent when I KNOW they aren't coming from a place of complete knowledge - that they are relying on what' they've been told rather than what they've learned.

I've got to get out of this state.

Stronger.

I was talking to AOIM …umm…Gemini Complex a few days ago, and somehow we got on the topic of seeing how many issues people have, and she asked me if that was a bad thing. (Kelly… I know I am saying this reallly bad… but bear with me). And my reply was that I was amazed every time I read something about the hurts and pains that people go through, and yet still manage to exist and love and write and feel joy and fight on. It amazes me how STRONG people are, how much pain people can suffer through, and yet still mange to share a joke or laugh or try to cheer up someone else’s day. I am awed by the simple endurance of people, and how so much of what we think we know of people is really a shield over the pains and joys of their lives. Most of the diarists I read probably don’t even know that I am there, looking over their shoulder as they struggle through life, being inspired by the courage that they show in just living…in moving and loving and growing. Reading all of ya’ll *waves hand to encompass the whole OD* has let me know just how BLESSED I am in being able to do things without even thinking that some others have had to struggle to be able to do. Sometimes I am shamed at the petty problems that I bitch about in light of the struggles that others go through. But I am always always always encouraged…to push on… to not just stop and let life pass me by..to keep on going even though I really have no clue where I am going.
I didn't say what I was trying to say as well as I wanted to...but I hope somebody hears me and understands...

Thank’s ya’ll…


Stay Jazzed.

I need more sleep

Fascinating. The world of internet personal ads.
Dream-time...drifting in a land of dreams with half seen images and memories floating through your every move.. I drift through dream-time until consciousness forces me back into the limited skull that I as human am doomed to endure.
Lately I have been feeling like I am limited in.. perception of what I can see and understand by being human. Like If I could somehow peel out of everything that I once thought I knew that I would be able to see what was wrong and what is right and somehow change my very skin so that it would fit smoothly over the lumps and bumps that I can’t even see. *sighs* I feel like I am sllloowly going crazy.
Anyway.
I have leapt into locking my hair full fledged. Over the weekend I tightened the roots, then washed it. It is much neater looking than I expected it to be, but it doesn’t have the same dense/heavy/thick feeling that it had before. Maybe it’s just too clean. But I am happy with it… *sighs*
Something is wrong with me and I can’t figure out what it is. My period is almost a month overdue, but according to *thinks* five pregnancy tests, I am not not not not not pregnant. : ( I don’t like it when my body starts to do it’s own thing. Especially after me being so regular and all. Hmmph. Made an appointment with the doctor, but the earliest I could get in was Jan 11th 01. *sighs* oh well…
Still trying to find a cheap flight to Philly for Christmas (from the Catholic Term Christ’s Mass, which was the mass that was performed near the winter solistice to lure the ‘pagans’ from the worship of their gods) break, but as I want one that is under 200.00 I think I might be out of luck. Ah well…

I’m off looking for more surveys…. Ta-ta…

Stay Jazzed.

The Final Days...

All I have to say is I realllly need to learn how to drive. Traipsing across the little behind city is no fun…and mercy knows I am not going to want to do it in Indy… but the money the money the money… it’s always the money.

Today (since my plans were interrupted yesterday) I spent wandering around, visiting my old teachers and giving out thank you cards. Once again I had that feeling of a paragon… something to be looked up to. It really isn’t a good feeling… because it makes you scared to be human, to fail, to change from the high high road that you were balancing on, to a lower one that you can walk on with freedom. It limits you in what you can do, constrains you to what a paragon would be, and not who you are. Anyway… I did all my last visiting today… went to see my grandmother again and raid her closet, went to see my great-aunt… who seems trapped in her house with her husband like a mouse with a cat at it’s door….

I visited Mrs. J a woman who defies all of that ‘When you get old you can’t do blah blah blah’ mess that my grandmother chirps… every time I visit Mrs. J she refreshes me, and make me think that HEY…. that is how I want to be when I grow up and older.. I want to be a go-getter… a hot ass and an active woman…someone who knows that she has paid all of her dues.. and the world is there for her to enjoy..swung past the library one last time… got some email addresses of folx that I HAVE to keep in touch with.. some of those solid grandmothers and great grandmothers that remember how this city once was…

My mother then took me out to eat… *smiles * MAN but I love her…. so cool so wonderful and still my Momma… without a doubt or a bit of shame… she is the MOTHER, and I can do nothing but respect that.

After we got back in the house Little One came over and we went down to south street (another of those traditions) to browse about… that had to be even more depressing than MyTown. I have never in all of my life seen so many empty young people. Girls with the eyes of whores, dressed to get the most dicktention that they can, and the men who swivel their heads to look. The men who are rude & feed upon the young girls… and I do mean young. *sighs* I don’t even think that I can fully explain what I saw.. but I felt it… it was an utter lack of spirit…there was no peace on the street… no looking towards anything that was not either sexual or material…there was no thought of what could be, of what there is within themselves that could make them more beautiful than any amount of Mac or Lancôme ever could. There was no understanding that a fat wallet cannot conceal an empty heart… that a fat ass does not make up for a lean spirit. *sighs* It Hurt me to watch that… painful painful… painful….

Stay Jazzed.

Oh.. the Humanity!

Sometimes… I think that people forget that they are human.

I had to reread that sentence about four times before it started to make any sense to me. Yes….I did write the sentence ..and think of the sentence.. but it still took a while to sink in to my head what I am feeling..what I am trying to say… sometimes…people forget they are HUMAN. The things that we bitterly complain about others not doing…we don’t do ourselves. And I am not talking about the major things.. the life changing ones… I am talking about the little things.. the things that remind us that we are humans… not walking talking thinking animals. *sighs *

I’m talking about saying excuse me when trying to get by… I’m talking about treating someone with respect because they may be somebody’s mother father sister brother..and you would want yours treated the same way. I’m talking about smiling good morning… or wishing people a nice night….I’m talking about holding open a door… smiling at a baby… offering help. *sighs* I don’t know.. I’m tired and stressed and feeling despondent and…. I just don’t know.. I am surrounded by people who are so.. unfeeling so cold so heartless aht you wonder who raised these people… what happened to that attribute of caring and understanding that is captured in the word humanity.

People…show so little humanity to each other on a day to day basis… *sighs* It steps on my spirit and makes me want to cry fort he hopelessness of trying to do anything good in the world when people can’t even remember that we are all human…. That we all need love and shelter and warmth and family and…. Kindness and the little stuff that makes life more than just a day to day run for money and possessions.
I’m tired and sad and *sighs* I think I will go to bed now….

Stay Jazzed .
Stay Human.

The Rise and Fall of Humankind

Things that rub me the wrong way:

Black people who denigrate their own people, assuming that everyone who is black is inferior and can never do anything right.

Men who assume that lesbians hate men.

Women who play the helpless and dumb role in order to attract men

Any human that treats children as idiots. You were a child too once upon a time.

Men or women who brag about the number of sex partners they have had, and have no shame about enumerating their children’s various mothers & fathers.

Men (boys) who act as though the burden of procreation is not on them but on the woman.

---

Yeah, okay... I was doing a bit of ranting... but I had a long ride home last night, and I was hearing things that...I didn't need nor want to hear. I swear, sometimes I simplt get so sick & tired of HUMANS in general that I don't know what to do with myself. *sighs* I don't know...somedays it seems like intelligence is being sucked out of people at an exponential rate, and that most folx are already too damn stupid to care. *sighs* There are times when I wonder what use there is to.... to caring about others. And by that I mean the 'world' in general. Some things are so patently obvious that it seems like either there is someting seriously lacking in that person as a whole, or I am simply not comprehending where they are coming from. For my own sanity, and for the continuance of the littel bit of hope I have for the human race, I assume that I simply just DON'T get it. And then.. there are the things that people do...thinking that is it utterly cool & right & wonderful...and never seem to comprehend the utter chaos it will throw thier life into. *sighs* I don't know. I thrive on simplicity... rolling with the punches... delicately bending life to do what I want it to do... *sighs* and chaos...I just don't work well with. ah well. I am making myself tired....so...

Stay Jazzed.

Of a Chicken and It's Head

Okay.. so I'm tired. Grumpy. Hating most of humankind right now. And so...into it all it is amazing.

My labor Day weekend was lovely... I had two old friends and one new friend staying in my place for Black Pride and we ran the streets every night. The only thing that I regretted was the fact that there was not more of a mixed scene. The women had their own parties and the men had theirs. So I was living in a happy little gay world for a while. Then Monday... I was on the train..having spent and absolutely lovely day hanging out with JEH.. and I hear the comments start.... there are two obviously gay & in love Black men sitting in front of us.. and when they get off the comments.. nasty hateful cutting comments start.

My whole little happy bubble of peace and contentment crashed in hard & sudden. I felt so furious & so sad & so helpless all at once. I just left the company of men who were better then those who threw the comments.. so much so that it would put them to shame.. yet since they fuck women they are considered some sort of superior being.
I wanted to cry.
I have never felt so...so hopeless. How...why do people hate so much? It goes beyond the human thing of fearing what you don't understand...it goes beyond a social thing of thinking that it is immoral.. it goes into a whole nother level... a entirely different realm of the blackness of the human heart.
I wanted to scream.
How DARE they say such things? What gave them the right? And why...why did those two brothers have to walk out of the train hearing those words in thier ears... keeping THAT as the last memory they had of this city? How can people be so cruel...to those that they don't even know?
And...worst of all I felt ashamed.
Shamed because I kept silent...shamed because my heart wept and I could do nothing. Shamed because I was so secure in my appereance of hetrosexuality that I would be approved...even tho I love just as they do. And I wondered...as I looked around the crowded train... how many other hearts were weeping in the silence... where all we could hear echoing in our ears was

North Avenue Station. Where all the faggots and the sisses and the girly boys get off to fuck each other and fuck up the world. Man I HATE them bitches. I wish they would all die.. I wish they all had AIDS. I wish one of them would look at me so I could beat his punk ass down


I'm running around
like a chicken with no head
I have gone beyond
being a chicken head
to something far more rare
and far harder to see
a woman
who wants
the world to be
like me.

Stay Jazzed.

So Long.. Farewelll

People can really really REALLY be idiots sometimes. (I’m taking Tuesday off as a holiday Darwin!) okay..today’s examples of idiocy.

1) Road Rage… two different stories related by my co workers of people getting SO enraged on the expressway hat they swing in front of the person who was bugging them (on the EXPRESSWAY..going ohhhh 70-90 mph) and slam on the brakes. Now…. There are a few possible results and only one (the person slammed on is a good enough driver to avoid an accident) is even remotely good. The rest are bad bad bad…and increase the number of possible deaths. But.. let’s say you really don’t GIVE a damn about the other folx.. why the HELL would someone try to rearrange the contours of the back of their car in such a manner? Whiplash anyone?

2) I work in a credit card company.….we send out occasional letters that inform people that somehow..something is about to with their account..limit going down….APR going up (nothing really good) Why… oh why…. Do people not write back and opt out (yup.. we give them chance) but instead wait until faaarrr after the deadline and THEN write an irate letter because we did just what we told them two months ago that we were going to do? Idiots Idiots Idiots.

*sighs* okay.. I just HAD to get those out. I mean… *shakes head* We…as individuals can be brilliant, amusing, funny, kind & loving. But as a race *rolls eyes* we are STUPID. The mean (in the mathematical sense) of us pullls everyone down.

*sighs* Not long now…. Oh my god… I am about to go for almost four days WITHOUT access to a computer of any type. Hm. I packed my black journal and I will have to ‘borrow’ some pens from work so I will be able to write down what I’m thinking and feeling in DC/MD. I mean.. I’m going to be meeting CAK for the FIRST (and hopefully not the last) time, going to my FIRST Pride Celebration…going on my FIRST road trip *grins* I’m acting like a college student! Really! Really! I am.

4:00p.m. I have an hour left. What shall I do? Hm… I think I’ll make a gift for CAK. I wanted to send him this a while ago.. but I never did. *thinks* I wonder if I will ha e enough time tog et the other part of it?? *frowns* well… it is SOMETHING to do… and if I can’t put it all together before I get down there.. I will just give him this part of it. I made one for myself a looonnnng time ago…. And as I made it I designed one for him too, but could never find the perfect backing.

4:29p.m. Okay.. I’m just starting but it will be lovely… *grins* I hope….trying to clean off my desk…chat with co workers… and create at the same time is NOT an easy thing *grins*

Okay… I’m shutting down the OD so I can focus… *sighs* *grins* I will be back..but while I’m gone….you can bet your BOOTY..that I will….

Stay Jazzed

Heal the World

Okay... sometimes my maddness when it comes to reading a good bok get's strecthed a bit far. I was up until 3:30 this morning reading an MOST excellent book called The Deed of Paksernarion, by Elizabeth Moon. It is actually a triloogy, three books in one. But it wassucha good read that even tho I kept looking up and seeing the hours creep by, and even though I KNEW that I would have to come to work in the morning, I drifted right back inot that world. *sighs* So of COURSE I made it in to work late... ah well. I will do better time wise next week.

I am surprised that MS. (the magazine) is under new ownership. You can feel a diffence in the magazine somehow, it isn't as....womanish anymore somehow. *shrugs* Or that could just be my reaction to the fact that they had almost 12 pages dedicated to Monica Lewinsky. I tend to distance myself from daily news, and the rest of the world in general. They are crazy.. they are ALL crazy. And it is kinda frightening that people get so involved in the little things... perhaps it is our societes way of pulling blinders over their eyes to the BIG problems... that if you listened to most of the folx in power, dont really exist.

I got an email acouple of days ago that linked the Columbine shooting to everything from taking prayer out of the school to supporting abortion and safer sex to voilence on TV to rap music to *sighs* even to the internet. It is amazing to me that someone can blame things that have affected hundreds upon thousands of children on a daily basis, and point to these things as the 'reason' why those young men reacted as they did.
Once again, we (as a soiciety) are trying to ignore the fac that any demons that are in our midst have been created BY us. Through either sins of omission or comission, we (as a SOCIETY) are to blame. When the governemnt itself is more concerned with how & when & why she sucked him off than with the fact that at LEAST 25% of children live so far below the 'poverty' level that it is terrfiying,, why do we have the nerve to wonder why SOME children don't understand the preciousness of life. When good 'Christian' folx blow up, burn, & kill abortion doctors and those who are in their clinics, in order to STOP the destruction of one life, that the mother & father have decided cannot be raised in a healthy heart & head whole way... we wonder why those boys thought the violence solves all. When we have a war going on to STOP killing....can we have the audacity to ask why they were so comfrtable with guns?? Don't blame a lack of 'godliness' on the worlds ills, because that isn't the source either. The so called "word of God' (as interpeted by man) has been used over the years & eons to destory so many & so much it is no surprise that some shy away from those 'standard practices of belief and religon'. Instead blame the fact that money, power & respect (as the rapper said) rule everything. And those boys KNEW not from fictional shows on TV that guns = power, they knew from watching the news... they Knew from Desert Storm, from Kosovo..from the fact that even tho we (the US ) is acknowleded as STILL being the most pwerful (arms wise) nation in the world, the Defense Budget is larger than the Department of Education...or that of health and human services... or hell.... it's bigger than the budget of the two PUT TOGETHER. . And who can deny that the power to destroy is the second greatest power after the power to create &LOVE
Until showing a woman kissing WHOEVER she loves is less shocking than the sight of someones guts being ripped out on Prime Time TV.... until the sight of two men walking down the street is no more disgusting than the random & meaningless violence that occurs on Thunder (a WWF wrestling show) every Thursday night, until loving someone ANYONE ina healthy and beautiful and supportive way is as acceptable to us as the fact that yes the sky IS blue & yes sun will rise..... is it any wonder that until we realize these things we (as a SOCIETY) will not be able to...


Stay Jazzed.

J said - Hands & Notes

I have changed in the past few months...changed in how I look at people. Not to long ago, when I first looked at a person, I would automatically looked into their eyes to see what was going on behind them, or what they were trying to conceal behind them. Now, I look at their hands. Hands can tell such interesting stories, or at least they look like they can. Long hands, small hands, hands that don't seem to belong to the body they are on...short nails...long nails...smooth skin..veins... rings...tattos...all sorts of things. I find myself staring at hands, wondering at their history. Have they hit today? Have they loved? Have they hugged? Have they comforted? Have they caressed? Have they held? Have they pushed away? Have they healed? Have they hurt? What have they done? what has been done to them? Women's hands... men's hands.. even childrens hands...watching how they hold onto things...how they hold onto each other...how they adjust their clothes...how they stroke their hair...hands almost seem like separate entities to themselves...different from the rest of the body. Any way.. I stare at hands now...I think they know almost as much as the eyes do about the person they are attached to.


Okay.. onto the next Topic...the whole note thing. *sighs*

While I have never had one of those ugly notes.. I have seen some.. and I have heard reprecussions from some...people who have exposed their SOULS and have had them ripped & wounded & denigrated by some wandering stranger who gets a kick out of leaving their own brand of foulness on anothers work. But alllll the same....somehow saying that EVERYONE outside of this space (the OD) is/will be harmful..is hurtful both to those who would wish to share their thoughts..as well as those diarists who would leave their thoughts here.

I KNOW the DM did this to protect us...but at the same time...is there a point at which we can be TOO sheltered?


J.

J said - Inertia

Lately I have been fascinated by homeless people. You know, the ones who walk around the streets of any big city, drunk & dirty, talking to themselves or anyone else who will listen. I wonder about them, what brought them tot hat point? What would it take to bring them back to where most of the world considers to be a normal life? Are they ashamed of being homeless? Do they dislike the state that they are in? Or are they even aware of the state that they are in?

Once...if I get enough free time, and the sun starts staying up longer, I want to photograph these people.. whose folks who stand at the bus station and we turn our heads from.. the ones we lie to and say ‘no...I don’t have any change’ the ones we look down on and ask.. why can’t they get a job. I want to know their stories…are they really drunkards? Are thy really drug addicts?? Or did that come later, after they had been on the streets? After they had been spit on, and cussed out, and laughed at? Did the simple misery of no longer being a ‘real’ person drive them to this point…or did they start from a low state and sink even lower?

I wonder if they would mind speaking to me…if I brought them some food, or offered them some money…I wonder if they would mind me photographing them in their states of misery…I wonder what it would take to put me where they are…and I’m afraid to find out that it wouldn’t take much at all….



I like the OD…I like the fact that my writing is always neat and understandable. I don’t even really mind that I and one or two other people seem to be the only ones reading this. Why? Because it is my catharsis...my self expression.. I can sit here and talk about things that I have never said before… perhaps because I couldn’t.. perhaps because I wasn’t ready to…

I find myself on the bus thinking about things that I can write about in here...things that I can share with myself. It’s incredible how the things that are a part of me, things that I KNOW without a doubt...aren’t really fully explored until I write them down.


My “I get so Lonely’ entry is so true...because I’m so alone. It’s scary, because I realize that I don’t really have any hanging partners.. folx that I can call and kick it with. I suppose you could say that I don’t have a life. *laughs* I go to work, I go home, I eat, I sleep…I wake up and do it all over again. Yet, there is so much more that I want to do…but I have no one to do it with.. and yeah...there are some things that I like to do by myself.. like go to the movies.. go to a bookstore.. go to a museum...go to a performance...but then there are things that sometimes you just WANT to share with someone. Not always a S.O., but just some human being. I miss my friends...they used to be here.. and most of the folx at work are too old. They are interested in totally different things than I am. So where do I turn? Why.. to my net friends of course…I talk to them...tell them about all that sort of stuff…yet still don’t do it.

I need some initiative pills…something that will make me get offa my ass and DO something…but I’m usually so tired, or so broke, or so drained, that I just don’t have the ENERGY to do anything…I tell my self...if I had a car.. I would do more…true & not true…if I had a car I might have a wider range of movement, but having a car would bankrupt me I’m sure. *grins* and of course before I get a car I need to learn how to drive…and Of course that means getting my learners permit...and of course that means dealing with those ass holes at the DMV.

I think that I have so much potential…but I always need an outside push to get e going…

I need to learn how to push myself…I need goals. *laughs*

J said - Notes from a Bus

Morning all....


Riding the bus is a wonderful experience... when you know where you are going, and you know what time you need to get there. Therefore riding the bus to work is superb.

An added benefit? You get to see and meet folx, that otherwse you would have NEVER encountered. Old young wealthy dirt broke and everything (and color) in between. But most of all, you get to flirt. yup, that's right, FLIRT. I think that flirting is a craft that has lost alot of respect lately, simply because now adays we are so blunt in talking about what we want. Why flirt when you can come right outand say "ay... you wanna do something later (like each other?) ". There is no need for flirting. But I'm an old fashioned kinda girl, and I like to flirt. It is fun, innocent (mostly) and it gives you a chance to intereact with anyone.


Flirting to me.. is the body langauge that says hey.. I'm interested in you.. are you interested in me?" With as many sexual or non sexual over tones as you like added in. You can flirt with anyone... man woman young old (or at least I can). Brief eyecontact...shifting of the eyebrows... tilting of the body... random empty or deeply meaningful conversation...it's enjoyable, and gives one a sense of connectedness with those around us.


Back to the bus. and flirting. when you ride the bus every day, at the same time, clearly you are going to see alot of the same people. The bus driver, other folx going the same palce you are, other folx going to work a the same time that you are. And they are perfect flirting partners. There is a long period of time when you are sitting on a bus, that unles you brought something to read, or have some musical device, is very very very boring... unless of course you participate in a little active fliritng with those around you. ALL the good bus drivers flirt.. it is a symbol of HEY! how are you.. i care... and I hope you are good. some of the riders flirt.. strike up conversations with strangers.... and you can find out the most amazing things. so.... to conclude my essay on flirting \sarcasm

I strongly reccomend that you climb out of your car... hop on the bus... and FLIRT!!



Until you ride the bus regularly.. you don't realize how much you can find out about people by simply listening..... now I don't purposely eavesdrop, but when someone is telling their life story in a nice loud projecting voice, clearly they want me to hear... right?? I have heard about a guy who found out that one of his friends was pimping his girlfriend.... the trials and tales of extended childbirth, with various hospitals and drug combinations thrown in for reference, the tale of one cook's woes against the upsart youngun's who thought that they could run HIS kitchen better than HE did.... and othes that don't stand out as much... and those stories were from just two days. Buses are prime sources for anyone who wants to write about people.....


Yeah.. I might be harping on this for a while...


J.