A Woman's Sexual Abstinence and Celibacy
By Elizabeth Davis
The woman who decides, for whatever reason, that she wishes to abstain from sex has been looked upon by our society as something of a anomaly. Sexual activity so deeply pervades our cultural definition of happiness and fulfillment that a woman going without is automatically presumed to be deprived and longing. As will be shown in the following pages, nothing could be further from the truth, at least when abstinence is a choice.
In fact, more and more women are deciding to take time off from sexual activity when preoccupied with personal issues and problems. Social autonomy has set the stage for women's emotional self-determination. The cultural constraints of the 1950s that defined sex for women as either taboo or obligatory no longer hold sway. Women may be categorically portrayed in the media as sex objects, but they are increasingly shown to have sexual identities and lives of their own. That a woman would, under circumstances of stress or emotional strain, decide it best to keep her vital energies to herself is certainly understandable.
To illustrate, here is a story of my own experience some years ago. My husband and I were going through a particularly difficult time in our relationship; we were not yet married (a bone of contention between us) and were working out negative consequences of an affair he had had some time earlier. That these issues were disrupting our sex life was quite natural, to my thinking, although I won't deny I was concerned. Our therapist, who had additional training in sex therapy, showed us a tape one day of a couple engaged in foreplay according to specific recommendations and step-by-step instructions. This experience both mortified and frustrated me, and I told her outright, "I don't need this, I don't think we have any problems with technique. My problem is with my feelings, my pain and vulnerability, the trust issue. I think if we work on these, I'll want to have sex again." This is not to minimize sex therapy for those with unusual aversions or physical difficulties, but for the vast majority of women, sexual dysfunction is emotionally based, and nothing more. We don't need another survey to tell us that a woman cannot be loving, open, and orgasmic if she feels her partner is treating her poorly or unfairly, let alone if she can't do right by herself.
What is it like to take a sexual time-out? It depends on the situation, but most women report a typical progression from loneliness to self-confidence and clarity. Brenda, a single, career-oriented woman in her thirties, tells how a series of relationships frightened her into abstinence that then became voluntary for a period of seven months.
I had an outrageous affair with a fellow who turned out to be royalty, a Scottish lord in fact. It was a whirlwind romance -- in a matter of weeks he proposed marriage. On the one hand, I knew I'd be "taken care of" for life, and all my friends were telling me to go for it. But this is a pattern that keeps reoccurring in my life -- guys go crazy for me, and the situation becomes overwhelming. Maybe I have something to do with it -- after all, I let it happen, to a point. Then I feel this pressure of being swept away, and I notice that it happens more when I'm unsettled or stressed at work.
So, I said no to this guy with much relief, and then the same thing happened with a man who turned out to be married -- there were signs and signals that I never followed up until it was way too late. After this I pulled back completely from men and sex.
Being celibate for all these months has given me some important things. One is protection -- I can feel vulnerable with myself and not be at risk. Another is a very clear picture of what I want in relationship: marriage to the right man. Eventually, because now I'm content to wait.
Other comments from women in similar circumstances: "I'm pleased and proud to be nurturing me"; "I see the seeds of myself beginning to grow"; "I have inner conviction now -- I'm my own person." It would seem, in a way, that voluntary abstinence is something of a right of passage for women today, particularly in reaction to tremendously eased sexual mores.
Yet another factor in the upsurge of celibacy may be women's desire to reconnect with the monthly cycle, particularly the menstrual phase. In examining menstrual taboos, it is unclear whether these were culturally imposed by men or formulated by women themselves. Nevertheless, ritual isolation while menstruating gives women the opportunity to be celibate for a few days, to disentangle themselves from routine obligations, and to reflect on personal issues in the company of others doing the same. Perhaps we all need such a respite, a chance to have body and soul to ourselves periodically without guilt or anxiety. Without this, we may manifest patterns of self-denial and subservience.
Let us examine this premise by way of example, taking first that of Lynda, who explains:
I grew up in a household where mom's main task was taking care of everyone else's business. I loved her for it, hated her for it, learned to depend on her and not myself. Even though we fought bitterly when I was in my teens, I found myself continually dependent and wanting to please her before myself, even as an adult. Three marriages and three children later, I still don't know all that much about me. My sexuality has been restrained, I think, confined to what's expected. I've been abstinent for three months now, and it's been a good way for me to sort things out and get to the heart of who I am. To tell you the truth, I feel like a child now, discovering broken threads from the past and reweaving them. Right now, I don't want anyone else but me.
This points to a primary need of women throughout time, that of self-containment. Women and Madness, by Phyllis Chesler, explores the consequence of diffusing the self for the ease and pleasure of others until complete disintegration of personality threatens to occur. When a woman rallies from this position it is usually with passion and fury; a passion that requires no other partner than herself.
Sometimes sexual excess leads to celibacy. This too is a classic theme, and women are not exempt. Here is what Alena has to say:
I was rather repressed when I was young, living in a house that was immaculately clean and bound by strict rules of behavior. There was love, but there was also fear; my mom was afraid of herself, I guess. I took the road less traveled (at least in my family) and dropped out of school. I met wild and wonderful people, and found I could make good money selling sexual favors. Not prostitution exactly, but intimate massages, blow jobs, that kind of thing. I was choosy, though, and never a slave to anyone. For a while I felt free, for the first time in my life. Then good friends turned bad, a few died of drug overdoses, and I turned to religion. I needed to purify myself, and I didn't have sex with anyone for three years.
As we enter our second decade of confronting HIV and AIDS, stories like this become increasingly rare. Nevertheless, sexual addiction and overindulgence remain major pathways to celibacy for a number of women.
More commonly, women complain of feeling prostituted in seemingly conventional relationships. Often this comes from repressing the pain of unmet needs, or of being ignored or belittled. The result is that sex becomes quite sporadic: a few encounters over a period of a day or two (perhaps after an argument) and then weeks with no contact. Recent research has shown that sporadic sexual activity is more likely to cause menstrual irregularity and subfertility than is celibacy. (Orgasm via masturbation does not seem to compensate.) Either regular sex, or none at all, tends to maintain normal hormonal levels and rhythms.1
Nothing disrupts sexual closeness like infidelity. Trust is so basic to a healthy relationship that once it is violated, intimacy may be nearly impossible to regain without a break or time alone to heal. Again, a classic account from Harriet:
My husband was unfaithful from day one, but it took me years to acknowledge it. Once I did, I went crazy with jealousy and fear. I started having anxiety attacks, even in public places. I'd just be going along fine, when suddenly I'd feel breathless, lightheaded; my heart would be racing and I'd have to sit down. I ended my marriage, but the same thing happened with the next guy. I finally realized that sex had become so full of fear and pain for me that I would probably keep losing again and again, unless I broke the cycle on my own. So I quit looking for validation from men, for breathtaking romance, and got down to being by myself. Some days I felt so alone that panic and anxiety nearly got me, but eventually, I could catch these feelings right away and set myself free. I discovered the things that nourished me and made me feel complete, instead of trying to fit other people's notions of what I should be.
Pain and heartbreak aside, it is time for women to recognize that the sexes definitely differ in erotic temperament. According to research presented in Brain Sex, there is overwhelming evidence that men are by nature polygamous and tend to focus on sex for its own sake.2 This does not preclude romance or even monogamous commitment, but a woman needs to know what she is up against. In any case, happiness comes not from seeking some idealized version of masculinity. Accepting men for what they are is the first step toward strengthening our own position. Relationships involve conflict because male and female desires appear to be at odds, but they can also be viewed as complementary. Each sex has certain basic needs that are fairly consistent; John Gray has illuminated this quite well.
For example, women need to feel cared for and loved in order to be able to trust their partners. Men, on the other hand, need to be trusted in order to give; a man without a woman's trust loses his momentum, his vitality. Naturally, men will fail to care for women as women would like, and women will find reason to lose trust in men, but that doesn't change the basic needs of each. The more realistic we are about differences between the sexes, and the more we accept our own traits and tendencies, the better we will be at weathering the ups and downs in relationships, the inevitable challenges and disappointments.
When a woman chooses sexual abstinence, she has the opportunity to own both her masculine and feminine aspects and bring them to terms with one another. For example, she can look at how much love and nourishment she gives to herself, and, if minimal, at the resulting lack of trust and vulnerability she feels with others. This will not change her basic needs once she is in a relationship: no matter how well she has learned to care for herself, she will still be vulnerable to a lack of caring from her partner. However, she may be better equipped to deal with breakdowns in communication and estrangement when they occur and go on caring for herself regardless.
How positive or constructive a period of abstinence is for a woman largely depends on how deliberate it is. When abstinence is by choice, negative side effects such as depression, lack of motivation, and disinterest in personal hygiene may not occur. Note that just as it may benefit a woman to be free of overconcern for her appearance, her self-esteem may be negatively affected if she doesn't keep herself up. More than occasional depression demands attention, and perhaps assistance. Counseling can help, as can time spent regularly with other women in group process or circle. Starting a woman's circle is not all that difficult; you can make your time together whatever you want, perhaps with ritual and planned discussion of topics such as money, sexuality, jealously, or whatever feels relevant from meeting to meeting.
Another possibility is to choose a book on women's issues or ritual celebrations and work through it together. In my experience, great revelations can occur in these situations without any professional assistance. One reason that women do not find much cultural support for sexual abstinence is that men find sex a prerequisite for emotional release, a precursor to love. Women, on the other hand, are more readily able to love themselves and others without sexual demonstration. When women choose celibacy, they threaten male needs, male control; we see this reflected in our language by terminology that is far from flattering, such as old maid, spinster, and prude.
In the days of witch burnings, it is notable that the vast majority of victims were single women of advanced age, so unacceptable was it for women to refuse to be vessels for male satisfaction and procreation. Some women worry about needing sexual contact to remain physically youthful and attractive. Certainly masturbation can serve to relieve tension, stimulate pelvic circulation, provide pleasure and the benefits of oxytocin. And there are innumerable ways to find physical satisfaction and emotional and spiritual release that have little to do with sex. Some women just don't want sex, whatever the reason, and that's all there is to it. Ultimately, women are more autonomous than men in this regard because they are better able to incorporate the erotic in all aspects of life.
What, if any, are the physical effects of long-term abstinence? With so many motivating factors, it is difficult to generalize. Some women do notice symptoms of pelvic tension such as chronic backache, increased premenstrual tension, or menstrual difficulties, but just as many report cessation of the above, particularly when abstinent after ending a miserable relationship. Occasionally, women report losing touch with the monthly cycle, becoming less aware of fertile and premenstrual signals. If fertility awareness was used contraceptively, this is certainly understandable. But perhaps these women are merely revising emotional and spiritual aspects of cycling to suit their newfound autonomy; most state that abstinency clears the way for more honest acknowledgment of feelings.
Many women notice increased awareness of diet and health when on their own. Without the distraction of another's needs, they are better able to see the results of their own eating and lifestyle habits, and to experiment with what makes them feel best. Particularly if a woman has been living with someone and cooking and eating more to suit his or her wishes than her own, she may find this aspect of being alone most illuminating and beneficial.
Women often say that the less sex they have, the less they think about it. Sometimes the longing for contact is strong, but usually it is more a desire for intimacy than sex itself (unless a woman is peak-fertile or premenstrual). Being celibate is less about not having sex than it is about being alone, dealing with one's own body, psyche, and soul. The periodic desire for intimacy is part of the deal and should be seen as a personal manifestation of need rather than the result of having someone attractive around.
Other reasons why a woman might choose to avoid having sex temporarily have little to do with relationship. For example, a woman friend of mine recently shared plans for a year-long trip around the world and her decision to forego sexual involvement until she left. No dates, no serious flirting, just packing and settling affairs. Similar indications might be plans to move house, change career, or focus on a creative project. As a spiritual discipline, celibacy has long been reputed to enhance one's concentration if undertaken with clear and serious resolve: something all women should think about and keep open as an option.
And what if a woman elects to take this option in spite of the fact that she is married or in intimate partnership? We read and hear much about differences in sexual desire between partners and, at last, the periodic desire for abstinence is coming out of the closest. National surveys on the frequency of sex deal in averages only. One must figure in the less-than-desired episodes and unsatisfactory contacts, as well as the flurry of sexual activity common in the initial stages of a relationship when major challenges to intimacy have yet to be faced. I can think of no long-term study that reflects the phases of closeness and separation in enduring relationships.
How does a couple get by when one wants sex and the other does not? Ideally they discuss the matter and set themselves limits. If emotional issues arise or become acute, they may decide they need outside help. Marriages in distress are frequently challenged to redefine sex from an obligatory or perfunctory activity to one of free will. Periods of abstinence may be crucial to sorting out individual needs and concerns. If either partner has been unfaithful, physically abusive, or psychologically brutal to the other, so much more case. After all, what possible tenderness, joy, or security could come from sexual contact under such tenuous circumstances?
Personal trauma of any kind is likely to interfere with a couple's sex life, particularly the loss of a loved one. The death of a child, a parent, or a dear friend or relative may cause either a desperate need for contact or complete disinterest. If only one partner is affected, the other may provide stable ground. But if both are devastated, as by the loss of a child, getting into the emotional intensity of sex may be just too much to handle. Rhythms of processing grief may also be at odds so that when one partner is raw and vulnerable, the other is shut down and unable to feel much of anything.
Here is Amanda's story of what happened to her after the death of her son at eight weeks from crib death, or SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome):
I don't think there is anything more horribly painful on earth than losing a child, at least, I hope there's not, because I don't think I could endure it. Jerry and I had many sad and upsetting experiences trying to make love after Jason's death, but this one time was so amazing I must share it with you. We were fucking and crying, really, fucking and crying, when we felt something descend on us, a great break in the tension, a feeling of warmth and healing. It was so wonderful, I can't tell you -- a perfect state of grace. Sex aside, orgasms aside, in that moment, time stood still and we felt whole again. After this, we stopped doubting and blaming ourselves so much. The guilt began to lift, and we began to live life again.
Reestablishing intimacy after any kind of intensely painful experience or shock is a difficult process; this couple was lucky to find common ground. Time heals, more than anything else. Realigning oneself after deep trauma is hardly a simple matter; layer upon layer must be permeated with new hope, definition, and resolve. For a time, we strongly encouraged people to express their grief profoundly and immediately; we now see that mourning and grieving are in fact cyclic processes and may take years and years to complete. The same is true, by the way, for anyone recovering from experiences of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
Tina relates: "Pat and I had known each other for about a year, while she was still living with her previous partner. Then she and I became intimate, and she decided to leave Sue. She felt great guilt about this decision, along with new sadness and confusion regarding patterns of passivity from childhood abuse. Just as she became free to be with me, she decided she couldn't be sexual for a while. That was okay; I understood." Coping with the effects of debilitating illness, handicap, or mutilating surgery such as mastectomy or hysterectomy may also call for a sexual time off.
Sometimes the desire for abstinence becomes permanent, as in Joan's case:
I'm 69 now, and my husband died six years ago. A couple of years after his death, friends tried to set me up with men, and at first I was curious, interested. But each time it was so obviously wrong that all I felt was revulsion. I'd think to myself, "I have to get in bed with that?" I had such a wonderful marriage, and now I have my children and grandchildren. I've got used to being alone, and honestly, I like it.
At the other end of spectrum we have the plain, old-fashioned desire to wait for the right relationship. More and more women are choosing to remain virgins late into their teens or throughout their early twenties, no longer feeling so intense a pressure to prove their sexual liberation. This has much to do with living in the shadow of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Thus, for the first time in modern history, women are discovering the freedom to choose from a spectrum of sexual options. And now that sex by coercion is being defined as abuse, women have an opportunity to explore themselves as sexual beings in nonsexual phases. The ultimate dictum of sexual therapy -- "Don't worry about pleasing your partner, start by pleasing yourself" -- may soon be realized by women on a mass scale. In the process, women will see that their sexual energy is vital to their own well-being and instrumental to creativity, health, and happiness, whether shared with another or not. Indeed, it will seem increasingly natural and acceptable that a woman (or man) should have phases when sexual interaction is either inappropriate, undesirable, or low on the list of priorities, and that there will be times when sexual energy is channeled into highly personal pursuits.
