39 Things you'd LOVE to say outloud at work...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in  public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're  saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point  of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

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*wave*

Hi. Don't have much to say, but that amused me DEEPLY. The bolded ones are my particular truths.

*hugs all around*

I am reading, but I think I'm PMS'ing, so no notes. :lol I know how to keep my fingers still, at least.

Hold On, Please

Dealing with Telephone Pests:
Three Little Magic Words

Steve Rubenstein
©2002 San Francisco Chronicle

Humanity could defeat its greatest scourge if everyone would repeat the phrase: "Hold on, please."

Three simple words, enough to change the world. Whenever a phone solicitor calls in the middle of dinner, don't get sore. Don't slam down the receiver. Don't hang up. Just say, "Hold on, please." Then gently set the receiver on the table and go about your business.

Why will this change the world? Because the solicitor will hold on, too. While the solicitor is on hold, he cannot bug other people in the middle of dinner, can he?

No, he can't.

For years, I have employed the Hold On Please technique. The mathematics behind the HOP technique are truly amazing. Phone solicitors make money because one or two saps in every 100 calls actually listen to the sales pitch and buy something. But what if each unsuccessful call took the solicitor a few minutes instead of a few seconds? What if a phone solicitor could make only a dozen calls per hour, instead of several hundred? Then it would no longer be cost-effective to bother people in the middle of dinner, would it?

No, it wouldn't.

A small idea, invented by me. My gift to the race. Simple, like the wheel.

(Some minutes later, after the solicitor decides you are not coming back and hangs up on his end, you will hear the distinctive wah-wah sound from your receiver, meaning it is OK to hang up your phone.)

Developing the Hold On Please technique is my way of atoning for an abysmal night I spent years ago in Oakland as an honest-to-God phone solicitor. The taskmaster of this enterprise -- a smarmy guy in used-car-salesman boots and mustache -- had jammed dozens of us youngsters into a cramped, stuffy room above a pizzeria. Each of us got a huge list of phone numbers, along with a script. (The charity that I was trying to raise money for, it turned out later, would only get 30 percent of the take -- the phone soliciting company bagged the rest.) Most of the time, I never even got to finish saying, "Hi, my name is Steve Rubenstein and I'm calling on behalf of . . ." before I would hear the Click.

Every few seconds, another click. Over and over. Click, click, click, click, click. We newbies were getting plenty frustrated. The head guy came over and said not to be discouraged, because quick clicks, as he called them, were a phone solicitor's friends. The true enemy, he said, were lonely people who kept you on the line for five or 10 minutes, and still didn't fork over any dough.

After an hour of the phone calling, after bugging dozens of people during dinner and being justifiably cussed at, screamed at and having my ancestry challenged in unsettling ways, I quit the job. The guy paid me my $5, not even 30 pieces of silver, and I slunk downstairs to the pizzeria for a beer and a sausage pizza to assuage my guilt. (Sausage can assuage, but Budweiser is wiser.)

It was then I came up with the Hold On Please technique. I mentioned it later to the head guy, after he came down for a beer of his own, and the edges of his used-car mustache seemed to droop. He said if everyone in the world did it, he'd be out of business.

Don't tell anyone, he pleaded. Just between you and me, he said. OK, I promised. So much for honor among thieves.

So there you are. It is nearly spring, a time of renewal, of rebirth. A time to give the world a fresh start.

Three simple words can do it. Remember, all great movements started small!!

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Mwuahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Cool Riddle

Hmmm... this is a fun riddle that quierodiado (I KNOW I messed up her name) dug up.... It's alot of fun, and a great logic exerciser...

This is a quiz written by Albert Einstein. He said that 98% of the people in the world would not be able to solve this quiz. Are you among the 2% (Mensa's admission credentials)
FACTS
1. There are 5 houses in different colors.
2. In each house lives a person with different nationality.
3. These 5 owners eats a certain dish, drinks a certain beverage and keeps a certain pet.
4. No owners have the same pet, eats the same dish or drinks the same drink.
HINTS:
1. The British lives in a red house.
2. The Swede keeps a dog.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the left of the white house.
5. The green house owner drinks coffee.
6. The owner who eats pork chops rears birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house eats fish and chips.
8. The man living in the middle house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who eats beefsteak lives next to the man who eats fish and chips.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the one who keeps cats.
12. The man who eats grilled chicken drinks beer.
13. The German eats lamb chops.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who eats beefsteak has a neighbor who drinks water.
THE QUESTION IS:
WHO KEEPS FISH?


Note: If you look for the answer on the web, the original riddle was house, drink, CIGAR, nationality and pet. :) Ask me for the answer and I will drop it in your notes.

For Peter and his Shadow

*grins* Some jokes for my favorite pilot:

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach speed was just a little too fast. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight!"

*grins* Hope ya'll enjoy....

A Fairy Tale for the Assertive Woman of the 90's

Borrowed from Cultured Pearl
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, as the princess dined sumptously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."