Polishing my Pretty

I'm not a bad looking woman, overall. Some days, I feel prettier than I do on other days - but I think that's just how things are.

However, I've realized that there are several minor things that I can do - that I would actually enjoy doing - that will make those 'I look good' days pop up much more frequently.
It's a logical extension of my hair obsession - starting from the top, and trickling it's way down.
I'm already all over my face - I've got a pretty good routine (OCM, TTO Cream, Ayurvedic Cream) going on there.

I'm in the process of working on my body - and interestingly enough, for once, it's not REALLY for appearance reasons, and I'm happy with that. I'm motivated - highly - to lose weight, but it's not because I want to change my body - it's truly because it's healthier for me. That 'clicked' as I was leaving the gym last night, and realized that I was down 6 pounds from where I thought I was. So, this year, so far, I've lost 17 pounds - without really feeling like I've been on a diet, OR really pushing myself all that hard. That's impressive - to me, at least. A loss of 3.5 pounds a month, WITHOUT really working all that hard at it? Nice, very nice.

Also, the Metformin has really given me hope. I've ALWAYS felt like I was fighting my body when it came to loosing weight - that it rather stubbornly WANTED to hold onto to the fat, and damn whatcha heard, it was GOING to.

As I was telling C, I'm pretty certain that my insulin resistance is what caused Atkins to crap out on me. I lost 60 pounds - sticking to the diet, and doing some minimal exercise. Then I plateaued, and plateaued HARD. I added exercise - nothing. I maintained, yeah, but literally - I didn't lose another POUND - and then, my eating slipped, and it slammed back on like white on rice. I think that Atkins was able to suppress my insulin response enough that I could drop those initial pounds - but once my body got smaller, Atkins was no longer able to suppress my insulin enough to allow me - in a smaller body - to keep losing weight.

I'm already eating a low GI diet - definitely NOT very lowcarb, but I really don't want to go back to low-carb - I'm much more into eating REAL food, now, and the low-carb stuff - meh. It's just as bad as the other processed options out there. The lowGI diet though, is really what I lost those 17 pounds on - seriously cutting uberstarchy stuff out of my diet (though, popcorn, I still love thee!!).
And, I'm already exercising - not consistently, but that's my goal for May - to be pissing on point, 5 of out 7 days. C only works out 3 days - but now that he has a job, he's not home when I get home, so I can work out EVERY DAY if I want to. Fridays are always the hardest, as I just wanna fall out once I get home from work - but I think that it will always be 'weight' day, which, while sucky, is a shorter period of suck than cardio. *lol*

So, yeah. I think that I've got the body stuff down.

My next area of work?

Clothes.

It's really kinda sad, the clothing that I wear. It's old, it's decrepit, it's holey - but I keep on wearing it because I like it, it's comfy, and it fits my body type.
Which, really, is sad, considering that I OWN a sewing machine.
So. Over the last few days, I've been plotting out my wardrobe.

Really, I'm pretty consistent in the things that I like to wear, and the things that look good on me. Rather simply, it's this:

Long skirts - preferably ankle length. I really don't like how I look in most pants (because of the thighs almighty) and short skirts make me look stubby because I have surprisingly small calves/ankles relative to the rest of my body. Not too full, but definitely not straight, either.

Babydoll Shirts - with a band/pull in right under my boobs (which are, despite my belly, STILL the biggest part of my upper body), so that it accentuates the positive, and lightly skims over the negative. I don't care if it 'makes me look pregnant' as I've got a 4 month belly on me, anyhow. I realized that almost EVERY single one of the shirts I wear on a regular basis are that style, and there's a whole range of ways to make them look different, and still be the same basic style.

Tank Tops - I live in these, seriously. I sleep/exercise/work/cook/clean/live in a tank top, 90% of the time. I'm sure I can make them for cheaper (and sturdier!) with some ease.

Button Down Shirts - these are usually used as cover-ups/layering over tank tops during 'inbetween' weather. Preferably no chest pockets, and 3/4 length sleeves.

Tunic Sweaters - my standard winter time gear - hip length sweaters, layered over a tank top.

Dresses - for those days that I really don't feel like coordinating anything - an empire waisted (or wrap) dress, preferably ankle length as well - and 3/4 length sleeves. Basically, a shirt and a skirt joined as one.

And that's IT. Most of my wardrobe that I actually wear fits into one of the above categories.

It's stupid easy to sew long skirts, and tank tops - those are what I'm going to start with, just to get me in a sewing mindset.
Next, I'll tackle the babydoll shirts (as shirts are kinda easy for me to buy, it's bottoms I'm never happy with), and then the dresses. The last thing I'll start to work on are the buttondown shirts, as I suspect they'll be rather 'tricky'. And that's it.
I don't knit, so I won't be making any sweaters - but my sweaters are actually holding up rather well. They need to be throughly defuzzed, but otherwise, I can definitely rock them for another year.

So, yeah. I'm feeling - really, really, really good about things, just, overall - I feel - healthy. In spirit, mostly, but it's been a while.

Friday

My definitely, no shadow of a doubt, most favoritist day of the week. An expanse of free time (at home, none the less) stretches out in front of me..... and almost everytime, I make a huge list of stuff that I would like to get done, and usually doesn't.

Doesn't mean I'll stop making the lists, though.

I want to....

...refile/file the papers that are starting to take over the computer room (but that would involve cleaning out the closet that the litterbox/catfood bowl is in, and I'm not ready for that. For fucks sake, there is still catfood in his bowl)

...clean the bathroom (that might actually get done - I want to try out some of the biosafe cleaners I got - the laundry detergent rocks, thus far)

...take down the tent (it should be dry by now) and deflate the air matteress (likewise, should be dry)

...clean all the random junky shit from in front of the house/garage to the junk pile.

Otherwise, there will be sleeping - reading (I plan on finally getting into Nourishing Traditions!) and general layaboutedness. Actually, I think C is working all weekend, so I MIGHT actually get a little more stuff done than I do when he's home.

I want to find a cheaper substitute for the 'no-cut' cutting boards that I can use. I cringe at the thought of spending 40 odd bucks on a TINY cutting board - that just seems insane to me. I suppose I could use the cardboard one - but I think that repeatedly cutting through paper like that will dull the blade of the rotary cutter. I was thinking of a HUGE white board from the thrift store might work (I could even make lines on it) but I don't know. Those rotary cutters are SHARP - but I really think that'll be the only way I'll be able to cut fabric STRAIGHT. *sigh*

Only an hour left. If I had a book in my car, it would be less than that - I could escape and chill between now and the accupunturists appt.

Hrm, maybe I'll play some Cake Mania instead.

So - I twisted my hair up - it took me four hours - laregly because I was moving slower than molasses, and secondly because I did some TEENY TINY twists - I don't know WHAT I was thinking.

Okay, really, I wasn't thinking - my fingers just automatically 'grab' a certain amount of hair, and that amount tends to result in an itty bitty twist.
Two things I've noticed - it's been what - about a month since I've done two strand twists - and either a LOT more hair is breaking off than I'm realizing - or something I'm taking/doing is changing the texture of my hair.

I'm used to my twists in the back being - meh - the curl isn't as tight back there, so my hair didn't hold the two strand twists very well - but now the whole head is - mehlike. They look thinner overall and longer - not by much, but I'm blaming that on the several chops I did before I decided to start moon trimming - but it's DEFINITELY different, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. *lips quiver* I loved my thick boingy two strand twists - now, they are more spirally, and a little less boingy.

The other thing that I've noticed is that my dyed hair is DISTINCTLY finer than my virgin hair - it's funny seeing how much my twists thin down as they get to the end.
I think that I'll do a twist out at some point in the middle of the week, and then go back to my flat twists (safety! cuteness! simplicity! protection!).

I've been - thinking lately - about my overall apperance. I really really REALLY am not a fashion maven - I like long skirts, and comfy shoes, and fitted but comfy shirts in soft fabrics that let me move, flatter the good and conceal the bad, and can stand up to me twitching, running, getting dirty, and can be tossed in the washer. I'm a simple woman, really I am, and the clothes that give me - twinges of pleasure - tend to be 'old fashioned' clothing - and I think that my hair style is 'old fashioned' (though I did see a picture of me in the SAME hairstyle in college - cracked me up), but I'm so NOT old-fashioned, and it's puzzling me.

I was in desparate need for a new (cheap) pair of shoes, and after the thrift store let me down, I went to a 9.99 shoe 'outlet' - and I swear - it was rows upon rows upon rows of high (and low) class hooker shoes. 3-4 inch heels (and I LOVE wearing heels - just not stilettos!) - bright garish greens and oranges and reds and pinks - and - all I wanted was a simple, sturdy, comfy pair of black shoes. I wouldn't have MINDED a little style, a little flair, but I wanted something classic. And in my floor length skirt, and my flat shoes, and my neatly braided hair - I felt SO out of place - so out of TIME - that I wondered if I was turning into an old woman long before my time, or if these 'fashion' designers simply couldn't satisfy MY needs.

I LIKE being comfortable - but at the same time, I WANT to be - attractive. Now, hubby certainly has no complaints, and I've gotten hit on often enough lately to not be TOO worried about my 'sexual' attractiveness - but I feel - insecure in my personal style, and I just don't know WHY. I think I look good, but I'm worried that other people might think that I look dowdy and barely put together, and considering I usually dont give a figs fart about what other people think of me, I'm not sure why suddenly - it's bothering me.
Hm.

Marvelous Monday!!

Only because I'm pretending it's Wednesday. That way, tomorrow is Thursday, and the day after that is Friday - and then it's time for the very long weekend! I mean really - Monday's are generally unneeded in the scheme of things anyhow.

Me thinks that me & the hubby are actually going to cook a Thanksgiving meal this year. Hm,  I need to ask him if he's actually OFF on T'giving - we might ahve to postpone our celebration til Saturday. We've already got the turkey, and I'm making bread and cornbread specifically for the stuffing. *thinks* Sides - must pick up some cranberry sauce, and we've got the stuff for green bean casserole at home. Desert? An apple pie would be nice - maybe with the crumbly topping stuff? Hmm.... I need to make a list of stuff to get. I suspect that I'll be making everything BUT the Turkey.

I've been abusing myself - or more specifically my hands - lately. Let's see - on the right hand we have: a nice sized burn on the back of my hand, a gouge out of my thumb knuckle, and a gouge at the base of my pointing finger on the palm side. The left hand - a burn under my ring finger on the back of my hand, and a HUGE cut in the fingertip pad of my middle finger. I think hubby's bad luck is rubbing off on me in the kitchen - this is the most beat up my hands have been in a LONG time. 

I'm still stubbornly refusing to pull my coat out of the closet. As I was telling some coworkers - when I have to put the coat on, it's REALLY winter, and - well, I'm jsut not quite ready to admit that just yet. I've already switched over my wardrobe - isn't that bad enough??  Hubby has pulled his out however, but since he's the one that LIKES the cold, I suppose that's not really a suprise. Sepaking of which, I need to call the folx back who we are going to get our firewood from. 70 bucks for 1/2 cord of seasoned, split oak - not bad, eh? The fireplace got cleaned on Saturday, and a small mystery was solved at the same time. The house had been - COLD - despite the fact that the thermostat was on 75. Come to find out, our DILLY ass landlord had left tham damn damper open after he came in to look at the fireplace the week before. *rolls eyes* Thanks, dude. Really.
I'm trying to figure out if I can slowly drop the house temp, and see if we will jsut wear more clothes to make up for it. *le sigh* I suppose, wearing heavier clothes is jsut another nasty side effect of winter, eh? But - we are certainly looking forward to being able to kick the fireplace off and have a nice roaring fire to work with.

*thinks* Well, that's all for now. More later, I'm sure - but I ahve lunch with a friend, so I need to get moving!

More shopping

So, I also tossed the cash into the ether for my swimsuit(s).

After reading around for a while, I realized that the kind of swimsuit I wanted was more the 'lounging on the beach, sipping tropical drinks, dipping toes into the ocean on occasion' kinda swimsuits rather than the '4 times a week wear, swimming laps, and sweating underwater' kinda swimsuits. Soooo..... I got this one instead....

 

in 'Smurf' and 'Black'. I figured if the classes are going to be four times a week, and if I plan on swimming at least three times a week, it might be smart for me to have MORE than one swimsuit. I got it from Junonia which specialize in active wear for the size 14 and up woman. It's not nearly as 'cute' as I wanted, but hey - this is business wear so that at some point I CAN put on a swimsuit that looks like this:

ohlalaaaaa babbbyyyy!!!

Swim classes start the 3rd......I'm thinking I'll join as soon as I get the swimsuits, and that way I can at least splash around a little and TRY to teach myself some stuff.

let the hunt begin!!!

I am, if nothing else, a very deliberate person.  So, in this three week long search for a swimsuit, there are certain things that I would like to have.  If I can find all of these things - I'll snatch it up in a heartbeat.

1) The top has to go by BRA size - I'm a 38/40DDD, and dammit, I need the support - those damn 'shelf' bras don't do a damn thing for me. And why, why, must plus size women's swimwear come with ATTACHED 'padding'. I can understand it being there, but at least make it DETACHABLE.  
2) Boy panty bottoms - I went looking for a picture, but couldn't find one, but I did find that the real name is 'boyshorts'.  They are comfy, and they actaully are the cutest little things for my booty and belly.
3) Cute. As in attractive. As in, I'm 28, and I don't want my swimsuit to be anything my grandmother would even CONSIDER wearing - yet at the same time, I don't wanna have to worry about the girls making a break for freedom.
4) I suspect that this will be kinda optional/end up getting thrown out the window - under 100 bucks. Please?

Hmm...all together, I figure I'll HAVE to get a two piece tankini set - simply for the boy bottoms. I'd actually like the top to be sports bra styled, because if I going to be doing some serious swimming, I'm going to need the freedom of movement.....and.......sturdy. Okay, yeah - the last 'real' swimsuit I got was cheap as hell, but that's still no excuse for the strap to pop (see item #1).

My last set of swimsuit(s) were actually created out of desperation - I was going to the Dominican Republic in a little under two weeks, it was the middle of August, and I NEEDED to take more than one swimsuit.  After nearly crying in one 'speciality' swimsuit store (I found a lovely swimsuit that cost TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY dollars) I finally threw up my hands, took my tail to Victorias Secret, brought three bras (the current ABSOLUTE favorites in fact) and three sets of matching tank tops and boyshorts, and matching thongs (to go UNDER the boyshorts in case of an 'accident' cuz ain't NOBODY I'm not married to seeing THAT much of my ass), and 130 dollars later, left VS a happy lady. Of course, as the fabric wasn't DESIGNED to be a swimsuit, they just lasted the week and a half of the trip - I still wear the bras and the bottoms, but after all the salt and the chlorine, the tanktops are a little worse for wear.  I'm actually considering getting a maternity swimsuit - as I was leaving the mall from VS, I remember seeing them and noticing that they DID have 'real' bras in them, but hmmmm.....my belly isn't THAT big.

I swear though, if I could find them in the right fabric (ie, not cotton!) I would just do that again. It was SOoooooooo easy...and cheap.

 

Wanted: A Dancing Queens Castle

went out last night - I was really looking forward to it. I had picked out just the right outfit - clubbin appropiate without being slutty (oh, if I had only known then....). I wore a tank top with "I [heart shape] my freedom" on it - which everyone amusingly enough assumed to be in SUPPORT of that foolish war on Iraq, and a smidge over knee length skirt that I had trimmed last weekend but never wore, and a nice study pair of clunky shoes. I was a wee bit nervous about the tank top as it was a WEE bit tighter than I usually wear, and I've got a little jiggly belly that showed through some(oh, if I had only known then....)
I've gotten directions off of Yahoo! and I knew that ladies get in free before 11, so I figured I'd try to make it there by ten - just to be on the safe side. The directions took me down the back roads to some of the CREEPIEST neighborhoods I had ever seen in my life (foreboding anyone??). There were few street signs, fewer street lights, and even fewer fools besides me going down these roads. I'm guessing where Yahoo! led me was it's version of 'shortest time'. They've got 'most direct' and some other category but I really think they need to add another category - 'least creepy'. So - I finally get to the shopping center the club is in (after turning around twice) - and realize that it is BARELY a mile from an exit on the MAIN highway in the city - which I LIVE a block from. We all know how I went home, don't we? But I won't jump ahead.
I had to stop and ask a cop in front of the just closing (and very abandoned looking) LoBill to figure out how to actually get to the club - which ended up being behind the shopping center down a road that was in a MOST disreputable state. I pull into the parking lot at almost ten on the nose, and there were less than 10 cars there. I finally started to get worried. Then, I thought - okay, CP time, no one is really going to GET here until 10:30/10:45. I was brave enough to GO to a club alone, but there was no way in hell I was going to be the first person to walk into an empty club. So - I sat in the car for 45 minutes, smoking cloves and listening to my 'get pumped' CD.
Two guys stopped at my car - one security guy to see why I was lingering there (most likely thought I was stalking one of the non-existant club-goers) and another cheerful young fellow who tried to sell me three CD's. It's interesting - I always thought unsigned, uncommercial hip-hop was called underground, not indie, but after I sweetly told him I wasn't buying anything, he gave me a free CD of indie hiphop. I've yet to listen to it, but I'm sure it will be, if nothing else, interesting.
Around 10:30, suddenly the parking lot started to fill up - cars of women. This is when I REALLLY started to get nervous. I haven't lived in the hood, or associated with hoodlike people since I left Atlanta 3 years ago, and I've done enough maturing at this point that they aren't even FUNNY anymore. Every single woman who walked through that door personfied hood-trick in a different fashion. Whether it was the bootyshorts showing off the tattoo on both thighs (and the generous cellulite) with the droopily braless halter top, or if it was the big gurl who borrowed her ten year old (her SKINNY ten year old) little sisters dress for a shirt, it was worrisome. And I'm not even going to TALK about the hair. I may have been the ONLY woman in that club who grew all of the hair that was on her head. So - I watch this parade of women for about 10 minutes, then decided that I had better go on over before the line got too long. I brought 5 bucks, my ID, my car key, and my smokes with me - which shortened the search process considerably.
What is it wih black women and the whte eyeshadow? I could never get that - I NEVER thought it looked attractive, but that's clearly just me as the group of girls in front of me were sharing a stick before we got in the club, and the girl behind me looked like she had been slapped with a stick of it.
I make it through the search, and enter the club. This place was actually HUGE - I was really suprised by the size. There was a little bar and grill (hot wings and french fries), 4 bars, a nice sized VIP section, a pretty roomy dance floor and a smaller one, and a area in the back with 6 pool tables in it. Plus, there were several nice little seating areas - with TV's. I grabbed a good seat (so that I could watch the parade as it went by) and proceeded to wait. My ONLY reason to go was to dance - not to hookup, not to really talk to anybody, not to get drunk. Hell - I had to go to WORK the next morning. I waited...and waited...and waited some more - about a good 30 to 45 minutes had gone by before the DJ got set up really good and started playing music. In that time, this guy and girl at the bar next to the seating area got into a fight - much cursing, much accusations of being a 'broke ugly ass bitch' and 'weak ass nasty nigga' which ended with homeboy being gently escorted from the club. I watched the girl celebrate with her friends how she had just played him, and made a consious decision to stay as FAR away from her & her girls the rest of the night.
The DJ played NOTHING but hiphop, and the occasional slow jam (or assgrinders as he so colorfully called them). Now, don't get me wrong - I dig hiphop. It's not the easiest thing to dance to - but you can get down. I danced pretty steadily for about an hour, but after slapping four DIFFERENT pairs of hands away from going UP my skirt (annd I was actually dancing rather conservatively - comparing), and witnessing a girl literally hump a guy on the floor (and I was just praying that the bits I couldn't see had clothes on them), I decided that I needed to be MUCH drunker than the almost stone-sober I was to enjoy this. I held out dancing on and off until 1:45, then decided that it really wasn't going to get any better, and besides, I had to go to work in the morning. The club closed at 3am, and I didn't think I wanted to see the effects of any more alcohol in the bloodstreams of the folx around me. I had the distinct feeling that people had been shot as they were leaving this club, and I wanted to be gone WELL before that.
As I was leaving, there were still people coming INTO the club - white eyeliner and gold fronts everywhere. I laughed as I left - I swear, sometimes there are REALLY perfectly good reasons for not going out. As I left, the security guard told me to be sure to come back Saturday - as the club "gets a lot more live". I don't think I could HANDLE any more live than that.
So - now I'm on the hunt. I've GOT to find someplace that I can go and dance and have a good time without having to deal with nasty ass dudes and trampy acting girls and nasty attitudes in general. I hope it wasn't simply the almost all-black clientle that made it so...unpleasant (my people, my people) but I figure I'll try Have a Nice Day Cafe next Thursday - once again a cover free ladies night. Anything has GOT to be better than that - and it's much closer to home - on a MAIN street even. *sigh*
I'm a dancing queen with no club to call home.....

Wish me luck.

Dustbunnies

I've got another two monthes before I renew - and I'm debating on whether I want to. I've got no issues with downtimes - I figure they are part and parcel of the internet experience. It's something different - I don't feel as connected here anymore and I'm not sure why. I think that I might be withdrawing from my internet worlds and trying to live more fully in the real world and I'm really not quite sure how that's going to work.

I'm still losing weight - but I'm getting smaller faster than I'm losing weight which drives me crazy because the numbers and the results don't match up, but I'm totally not complaining. I also joined Curves! the fitness center dealie for women - and I REALLY like it. I think that I will be able to actually maintain an exercise program at this place.
While I was in Ge. I noticed how the women dressed. They dressed like they LIKED thier bodies and wore clothes to compliment who they were rather than just as something to conceal their bare skin. I've noticed a distinct difference here - people in general just seem to toss anything on - whether it compliments them or not. And what's up with the Mommy Outfit?? You know the one I'm talking about - jeans, a teeshirt, sneakers and shoulder length hair with bangs pulled back into a ponytail. Is there some rule that when you have kids you have to stop being anything resembling stylish? One of the main reasons that I want to lose weight is so that I can wear better clothes. I LOVE clothes - I just hated dressing my body. As I'm losing weight (and coming to a point of comfort with the fat girl I still am) I find that I've gotten A LOT more picky about my clothes and shoes. My outfits have to be - good. It takes me close to 45 minutes EVERY morning to get dressed - and the fact that 75% of my clothes no longer fit really RIGHT as they are a little too big certainly doesn't help. But - I LIKE what I wear everyday, no matter what. There have been somedays where I've nearly been in tears trying to figure out something to wear - and I'm supremely frustrated because I can't AFFORD to buy anything else.
Speaking of money - *sigh* I got paid today and I'm broke today and there isn't a damn thing I can do further to slim down my spending - besides getting a roommate (hurry home luv!!). And then I got a speeding ticket *sigh* for going 85 in a 65 on my way to Chicago, which I truly cannot afford. I finally broke down and called the IRS to arrange for a paymeny plan for my back-taxes, and....ya know, I don't even want to think about it. I can't DO anything about it because I REFUSE to get a second job again - though once I get close to goal weight I might try to find another retail clothing job so that I can rack up another complete wardrobe for less. For now though - I just have to mudle through the best I can.
I'm going to go and fill in my expense report now... *sigh* Maybe I'll score a little extra money from that. :)

Stylin'

So - I'm going to go and buy some CLOTHES!! WHOO HOOO!!!

Okay - I'm going to need at least 7 unique outfits that can be combined with each other, plus 3 weekend outfits, plus 2 travel outfits cuz I KNOW what I wore to get there I'm not going to want to wear to come back home.
I plan on going home today and ravishing my closet to see what in there is in any sort of professional looking condition. I feel like I can get away with looking half-asssed at work in the US, but I think that I should look A LOT more professional going to meet these new people that I'm going to be working with. In other words - 2 WEEKS of pantyhose. Oh my.
I was in Walmart and I tried on a 12/14 jacket. I could put it on, but I could't button it - however I know that a full 14 might fit, and a full 16 will definitely fit, so that's cool.
One of my favorite shows is "What Not to Wear" (both the UK and the US version). I told Corey that if he ever feels the need to sign me up for one of those "Makeover" shows, I won't be the least bit upset at him. In fact, everytime I watch WNTW, I start to drool just THINKING about having 5K to spend on a whole new wardrobe.

I'm going to go home tonight and figure out what I can wear and what I'm missing - like I know I need a nice black blouse and a pair of nice black heels and maybe a pair of brown ones - and put together a list so that I can take it with me to the store tomorrow night. It's really high time that I do this, since every warm day, it takes me close to 45 minutes to find an appropiate outfit to wear. *sigh* I plan on keeping all of my sweaters from this past winter just in case I end up being pregnant during the winter time. I don't plan on getting pregnant for at least another few years, and by that time I should be small enough that they can be ready made maternity clothes.

This should really be fun.

Impressions

I felt like I was back in college as I walked from my car to work this morning - not because my head is full of scholarship and GRE thoughts, but because I was wearing my sorority jacket. A jacket that I could fit when I brought it, but I WANTED one and I had the money so I got it anyway. It's now a tiny bit too big. I'm smaller than I was senior year in college. But - I still don't feel it.

One of my coworkers told me I looked "Fabulous!" today. I'm wearing my favorite pair of stretch jeans (and NO - they don't look like that - they are just fitted and bend and stretch easier - no belly binding) and a very old short sleeved thin sweater. "New clothes?" she asked - and I cold honestly say no - they aren't new, I just haven't worn them for ages because my self confidence wouldn't let me. The sweater's not tight - but it's definitely formfitting, and I usually wear the jeans with a nice mid thighlength shirt to cover my poouch. I had to TALK myself into wearing it today - because when I look in the mirror, all I see in my belly poouch and the rolls on my back. Yeah - it's all smaller, but it's still THERE. What finally convinced me to wear the outfit was thinking of one of my size 6 coworkers who yesterday wore something that showed her little poouch. If she can show her poouch, why can't I? And even still - when I look in the bathroom mirror at work - I don't feel very fabulous.

It's strange. I've (FINALLY) passed the 40 pound mark - and while I FEEL better - I don't LOOK better to me. In some ways - I think I actually look WORSE as my skin adjusts to the weight I've lost and the remaining blubber shifts around. I wonder if any of the 'professional' weight loss systems have a psychological component to help them adjust to seeing a new body? I would hope they would - especially for people who have had gastric bypass surgery. I'm having issues seeing myself as a new person after losing 40 pounds in a little over 9 months - how would I be feeling if I had lost 100 pounds in that time frame?

- sidenote -
That means I've lost at least a pound a week. Slower than I HAVE to go as two pounds a week is safe, but still - that's not half bad. If I actually exercised more who knows where I would be...
- end sidenote -

I've gotten used to the new way of eating enough that it's almost second nature now - so I'm not nearly as focused on my weight loss as I was when I started. But occasionaly, I wonder what if ANYTHING I've done. I'm in 16's now - from a 22/24 - but I don't feel like that is a real change, because I still see that big girl in the mirror. I think someone told me once before that I should be able to clearly see a difference after I lose half of what I want to lose - which is another 10 pounds. I doubt it, simply because I should be able to see that change NOW.
The other thing I wonder about is whether I was in such denial about how big I was that the size I am now still fits my mental image of the size I was. So instead of it being that I still see the big girl - I NEVER saw the big girl, and instead saw something else that looked like what I look like now. So - until I get smaller than my mental image of me, I won't feel like I'm getting smaller at all. Hm. I think I'll go with that one - I'd much rather have been in denial THEN than be in denial now.

One thing I have noticed is that I like it more when Corey touches me. Him rubbing my side FEELS so much better now that he isn't hitting rolls, and instead simply slides up my side. It matches what my mind tells me sexy is - so I feel sexier. Heh. I refuse to analyze those reactions at all - I figure anything that makes me like my man and what we do more, I'm going to blissfully roll with.

I think when I see my friends and family who haven't seen me for a while and get their reaction, I'll be able to tell whether or not the changes I've made are REALLY noticable. Though I have to admit - when we went to go see Corey's family at Easter, one of his aunts said 'Hey Ms Skinny' but - I'm not sure how much I can really rely on THAT opinion.

Competition

Corey has no clue - but I'm near in LOVE with this man. Solely for his cutting, insightful, and utterly uncensored writings on his feelings about life as a black person in America.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

---

Went to my first belly dancing class yesterday - I got there a few moments late because I couldn't figure out how to get into the building. I finally just gave up and hiked up my skirt and jumped the fence. Heh. It's - interesting. Takes a lot more thought than I expected - you have to concentrate on isolating sections of your body and ONLY moving them. And can I say that standing in front of a mirror THAT big on a weekly basis is going to keep me on the path of no dietary 'deviations'. I'm looking forward to keeping on with this class though - it's fun and it works some muscles I didn't even know I had. After just the first one, I'm sure I'll take it at LEAST once, and I want to take the Intermeadiate and Advanced classes too.
I've discovered something rather frustrating too. Actually - two things that are rather frustrating.
1) I'm VERY disconnected form my body. I have a hard time tapping into getting myself to MOVE the way I want to. I'm way too far into my own head to get further into my body. I'm sure its a side effect of YEARS of utterly NO physical activity more coordinated than walking, so I should be able to improve on that.
2) I am VERY flexible, and while that isn't a bad thing in the least, it makes it really impossible for me to stretch out certain parts of my body (like my shoulders, hips, back and obliques). I can bend until I simply CAN'T bend anymore (due to flesh getting in the way) and STILL not be stretching anything. I think I might swing by a bookstore tonight to and see if I can find a book about stretching - there's GOT to be something I can do.

I finally washed ALL of my clothes yesterday - seven loads (and that was JUST clothing). I counted, and I own 32 pairs of bras (retail price about 800.00 - I paid about 360.00). Once I narrowed them down to ones that actually FIT right - I was at 10 pairs.Well, only having ten bras will at least force me to wash clothes every week.
The ones I can't fit anymore aren't old (under a year - and with THAT many obviously they haven't been worn hard), and still in rather good condition. I'd feel HORRID to throw them out, but is there any place (womens shelter or something) that will actually TAKE bras? I know that Dress for Sucess won't take undergraments - but maybe I can call and double check with them - esp. since they are so big. They bend their rules for suits over a size 14, so maybe they will do the same for bras? I mean good support is the BEST way to look good in your clothes - esp. if you have some big ole bazoombas. I KNOW someone can use them...

This weekend, I plan on lounging about the house mostly. Cleaning some, finishing my centerpieces, and buying my COMPUTER & digital camera!! I got the money, and after a bit of internal debating because having one of those cards reflect a balance of 0.00 is just SO lovely, I decided to go for it. I want to start up a small business, and I simply don't feel RIGHT trying to operate that on the company's equipment. Ethically, it's just a little too far on the shady side. I have no problem with working on my novel(s) at work, as I have no plans of making money from them...
I don't know what computer I'm going to get (though I'm planning on getting a Gateway), but think I do know what camera I want - it's a tie between two very similar ones. Both Canons, as I love the 35mm Canon I have, and both PowerShots. One is the S40, and the other is the S45. *shrugs* Not a big difference between the two, and about a 50 dollar difference, but I need to get in a store and actually hold them to figure out which one I want.
And I'm going to get my tattoo too. On my way home tonight, I'm going to stop into Artistic Skin Designs and schedule some time with Tony (whose work I like the best) to get it done Saturday or Sunday. I'm soooooo excited. If I can, I'll take pictures with my new digital camera....

The Bold and the Beautiful

So - I woke up this morning with the conscious thought that I was not going to go and try any dresses on this weekend. :) Yeah, I was going to wimp out AGAIN.
I got dressed, went to the post office to mail off the signed contract to the Flamingo (YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!)
and then to Value City so I could get some bathroom rugs for my transmation into a domestic goddess. There happens to be a David's Bridal right next to the Value City, and I was going to go in just to get a closer look at the flutter sleeve dress they had in the window - mainly because of the mint green color. I wanted to see if it was a gown or if it was a bridesmaid dress.

20 minutes later I somehow ended up decked out in a gown, tiara and necklace. The dress was actually one of the ones I picked out from their website that I wanted to try on - and it fit perfectly. If I planned on staying the same size between now and the wedding, the only alterations I would have had to get done to it were to bustle it - even the LENGTH was right!!

I had picked up four to try on at first glance - a poufy ballgown skirted one:



A flutter sleeve one (the same one that drew me into the store - and I never found out if the green one was a gown or a bridesmaid's dress):



a strapless one with flower accents (the very FIRST Davids dress I fell in love with):


and a strapless wrap waisted one:



Okay - the ballgown one just plain didn't look right on me. I think the skirt was WAYYYYY to full for my hips. I looked plain old odd in it. I most likely spent about 5 minutes in it.

The flutter sleeve one I liked - I felt like Guinevere in it - VERY medival. :) So, it was pretty - but not really the vibe I wanted.

The flowered one was sooo pretty - feminie, flowery, but - eh.

The wrap waisted one though - it was PERFECT. In every way shape and form, this IS the Dress. It fit PERFECTLY for one thing (if I planned on staying the same size, the only alteration I would have to get would be to have it bustled - even the LENGTH was perfect) and when I put it on - I glowed. :) I kept saying that I felt like a Pretty Pretty Princess in it - but that's not quite accurate - I felt like ROYALTY. THe image that I have of it is in white, but the dress I tried on was ivory - and after I put it on, I had no doubts about getting a 'bridal' gown rather than a less formal gown. The only downside? The price! When I picked out the gowns, before I even tried them on - something TOLD me I would fall in love with the most expensive one. True to form, I did. It's ONLY 550.00 - but to me that's still and outrageous price to pay for a dress I'm only going to wear ONCE. So... as soon as I got home I went hunting to see if I could find a dress LIKE it - for less. That style seems to be popular as ALL get out :) (I think a certain M.S. has something to do with that - and I ain't talking bout Marta Stewart either) and so I found one on bridesave for 200 dollars LESS. :)

So let's do the side by side comparison



The Davids picture doesn't show A LOT of detail - but the main differences that I see between the two are that the davids one has a opening in the front, and the opening is beaded (which would account for the price jump) and I think the wrap bit on the davids dress was a little bit lower than the one on the Ginnis dress.

So - choices, choices. I'm wondering if I can talk my mother into buying my dress as my wedding gift - if she is willing - I can almost guarantee that I'm going to go with the David's dress. I also LOVED a tiara they had there that went PERFECTLY with the dress (and happened to be 150.00 - a perfect example of me and my selection of the most expensive thing I can!) I can't find a picture of it on the website, but it was made from natural colored and pale pink seed pearls, with little crystals and beads on it. The beads are the EXACT same color and style as the ones on my dress. (Notice how I'm calling it MY dress now??)


So - that's my adventure in Bridalhood for the day. :) I'm thrilled and excited all at once. And ya know what? Honestly - even if my mother DOESN't get the dress - I STILL will buy it for myself. *grins* Esp. since if I lose enough weight to get out of the womens sizes, the price DROPS by a hundred bucks. I'm not gonna comment on that at all... I've slowly come to just plain ACCEPT it.

I've found my dress. I've found it found it found it!!!!!

*bouncy* jasmyn

stumbling into something....

That might just be wonderful. Okay - this actualy has a kinda long lead in, but you gotta get the whole picture.

Where I work is in a kinda industrial area - not too far from downtown, but not the nicest part of town either. Occasionally, we would drive somewhere for lunch, and we drove past this huge rickety looking building.
Shortly after I got engaged, I noticed seeing what looked like wedding dresses in one of the windows - but they looked - odd. Almost like it was a consignement shop, or a thrift shop or something. I could tell they were NOT the run-of-the-mill dresses - but couldn't figure out why.
Okay - fast forward to today...well yesterday really. I went out last night for a lucious steak dinner, and I had about 5 or 6 oz of sreak left - that I knew I wanted for lunch. However, by the time I got home the LAST thing I wanted to do was put together lunch. Since I only live 8 minutes (I timed it today) from work - I figured I'd go home for lunch. So - on my way home for lunch today I notcied the shop again - and slowing down -yes, those were DEFINITELY wedding dresses. I went home, ate lunch, watched half an old episode of SNL, and then headed back to work. Naturally - I stopped in front of the shop to look better. Yup - wedding dresses - but they looked NEW. So I went in the graveled parking lot, and inside waht turned out to be a rather nice little office building. Wander the halls for a second - and VOILA! A Custom Bridal Desginer. Yup. As in she MAKES and DESIGNS wedding gowns. :) I was almost giggling the entire time I was in her shop. It's a small shop - but the dresses that she had on display actually looked rather nice (from the light inspection I did).
I'm excited. Of course - she said the gowns range from 300 to 5,000 (depending on fabric, intricacy, and decorations) but STILL!

So. An odd little encounter today. :) My next step is to take some time and go to a GOOD fabric store and get a general idea of how much the kind of fabric I want will cost. Oh yeah - and try something like that dress on. Heh.

jasmyn

*does a lil dance*

Okay. I'm excited - ys I am.

I know, I know, I said I was going to leave the dress thing alone right? But then! I was on the Knot (it's like a car wreck most days - sad & scary and utterly enthralling all at once) and was looking at this one girls stuff and she had a picture. What picture, you ask?? This picture:


which looks A LOT like this:

and then, I also found this one:

which also look alot like the one above it. The first one is a Simplicity Pattern, the second is a Mc'Calls pattern. I'm excited. I'm thrilled. I think that even if my mom can't/won't make it.... I could make it myself.

PS: After seeing them all together...I like the Mc'Calls one (with the blue dress) best. It's closet to the B.Moore dress.

*dancedancedance* The only thing is now - I need to be sure that I actually LIKE the dress on me. Wouldn't that just be SAD? After all this - if I don't like the dress. *sigh*

jasmyn

The Dress Dilemna

Something just crossed my mind - what is it that is so darn special about a wedding dress that demands 50 trillion alterations? It's (when you come right down to it) a white or ivory or whatever colored evening/formal gown. In other words - a really dressy dress. I know that most women can stroll into their neighborhood Saks and pick up a dress off the rack that FITS - no major bust/waist/hip/length alterations needed. Why is it then, the second you step into a bridal salon, you are almost EXPECTED to have five or six fittings?? Come on - I can understand that for a custom made dress, but when you are working off of a basic pattern? Is there something right fishy here or is it just me missing something? If everyone in my high school class who wanted to go could find something off the rack to wear (and we varied widely in sizes) why the devil can't bridal manaufacturers do the same thing?? I think they PURPOSELY make the dress shaped 'wrong'. It doesn't cost the designer anything extra as they can custom make ONE for their model - and the dress shops get a HEALTHY boost in their income because women come back to them for alterations. Just think - the worse fitting the original gown is - the more alterations you need. If one designer made rather wonky dresses, giving the bridal shop more alteration money, maybe the bridal shop will buy more of his or her dresses - perpetuating a cycle that only the designer and the bridal shop benefit from.

*shakes head* I really don't know what I'm going to do as far as my dress goes. I don't want to even try ONE on right now because I expect to be a nice bit smaller before the wedding - and what may look good on me now, my not look good on me then, and vice versa. Besides - I don't want to deal with bridal shops AT all. Everytime I walk into one I hear this huge sucking sound. And I might be a WEE bit oversensetive - but I swear the level of customer service has been down right nasty in every bridal shop I have entered. I've gone to about 4 now (2 David's *shudder* and 2 little boutiqey ones) and neither of them gave me a warm and fuzzy - oh I want to give this business 400.00 for one dress for one day kind of feeling. And I don't have the smallest engagement ring - so any observant clerk would have guessed that I was REALLY there shopping. Maybe it's because I either came alone or with Corey - they figured that unless I had an older woman or two or three friends in tow I wasn't serious.
Eh.
I was flipping through Harper's Bazaar a few nights ago - and realized that I really dug some of the gowns they had in there. While the magazine itself is irratating as all get out (who ARE all those people - and are they the dirty rich that aren't famous? Maybe I don't like it cuz it makes me jealous. I wanna be RICH!!! and what's up with the sexy starvation look??) I for some possesed reason used my soon to expire airmiles on a free subscription. At this point, I'm starting to appreciate more though because it is giving me more ideas as to what I could wear. If a style/color is good enough for the Oscars - I'm thinking it will be fancy enough for a wedding, eh?

I bet they only need one or two fittings too.

jasmyn.

Before Lunch - After Lunch

Hm. I think today will be a day of prolific entries. I actually feel like writing, and there is not a damn thing else going on here today. What’s going on in my life?? Nothing much. I feel so much better after the Bra Rant, but *shrugs* I don’t know. I finished reading poppyseed’s diary, so that wonderful source of entertainment is gone.

Hmm. Lunch. What a delightful interruption to the day. There was a ‘cookout’ here, that due to the weather they moved inside. Food wasn’t half bad. I have noticed that I eat a lot less now. *shrugs* I’m just not as hungry, and I get full a lot quicker. Good bad.. I don’t know… I’m just working with it.

I have changed my mind…I’m not going jean shopping tonight. I’m tired, I’m certainly wearing the wrong shoes, and I need to wash clothes. I haven’t worn these shoes in a while (professional looking heels rather than my usual summer sandals) and my toes are NOT happy about being slammed into confinement once again. *sighs* Besides I’m just TIRED. I need to get my rest… there is nothing worse than going on vacation and wasting a day or two just getting your rest. I think I’m going to duck out of here a little early too… especially if it stays this dead.

Hm. I guess I will have to go back to reading comics to pass the time. Fox Trot is hilarious….

Stay Jazzed.

A tale of two Boobs

Ah. A brief rant.

I hate hate hate hate the idiots who make bras. I hate them with a passion. Would you like to know why?

1) They are under the delusion that the bigger your boob are the bigger your back is. HELLO??? Some of us are just well endowed without having a back the size of a linebackers.

2) The change well above 30 bucks for a few scraps of fabric and wire and elastic. I mean REALLY. Why is it that I can buy a shirt (off the rack, not even from a discount place) that covers my ENTIRE upper body…for less than it costs to buy a bra that covers roughly one third of my upper body?

3) Another delusion is that the endowed ladies are all 50 and above. Don’t most women’s breasts tend to get SMALLER as you get older?? Then why are bras of a suitable size (if you can find them) All white or beige and utterly utterly hideous?? I mean I KNOW my boobs are big but if I wanted something to scare small children, I would buy a mask.

Why the rant you may ask?? Because the bra manufactures KNOW that you have to wear bras to fit into most clothes properly…if you aren’t like amazingly perky. And once you slide above that DD line… perkiness tends to be the first thing to go. So I have to wear a bra every day of my life. No choice. However, every single solitary bra I own (and I own a lot…I figure through trial and error I will hit on something right) has something wrong with it. As I am ranting… I’m gonna go through them.

a) The cup stops about a quarter inch above my nipple. If I lean forward too fast… PLOP…out comes the whole boob. Okay for the club and verrrryyy low cut shirts…bad for work.
b) The underwire is 1) made of old knife blades and slices through the bra in two washing flat or 2) the underwire is made of some cheap stuff that as soon as I lean back breaks right in the middle and stabs me in my rib cage for the rest of the day.
c) The bullet look went out with Marilyn. Nuff said.
d) The underwire meets in the middle and pokes out from my chest like an odd third nipple.
e) The cup is justttttt small enough so that while it fits comfortably, I have the dreaded boob-bubble if I shift the wrong way.

Most of the bras that actually fit me right, fell victim to issue b in some form or another. I know of no way to fix an underwire once it has escaped. *sighs* So…where does that leave me? It leaves me with seriously having to consider dropping over 50 bucks on a single bra to get something that fits me right and will last for more than two washings…just because I’m blessed with an abundant bosom. It’s NOT FAIR!!!

My large breasted readers….any ideas or suggestions? The bras I’m considering (only because I have heard good things about them) are carried only by Nordstrom’s (yeah.. I knew I was screwed then) and the brand is called Lunaire (I think) Do any of you ladies know where I can find a reasonable 38-40 DDD-F sized bras for less than an expensive steak dinner? I have even considered buying nursing bras. *sighs* But that little snap opening thing would just freak me out a bit much. I’m not totally sure of what size I would wear because I haven’t been able to FIND any that size…except for on e-bay… and some of them fit and some of them didn’t. And since one of the twins is just a teensy bit bigger than the other one...not enough to eyeball (unless you are starting REALLLLLY hard) but enough to make a difference in bra fit...it REALLLLLLLLLLLLY doesn't help. When a supposed 40 DDD bra fits tighter than an old 38 D I still have… there is CLEARLY a problem.

HEEEEEELLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay Jazzed… and perky if you are so lucky.

Go SpeedRacer Go!

Ugh. So tired so tired so tired. After I left work yesterday, I ran home (not literally.. trust me) changed clothes as it was getting a little chilly, hopped n another bus and began my Cat Carrier adventures. I didn’t get back home until 10:30. Ugh. I feel like I have been running full blast for the past few days, even though I really don’t think that I have been. *shrugs* Anyhow…
Tonight’s plans are to wash clothes, do my hair, hopefully talk to Cheffy, and maybe pack. Ugh. I was hoping to be able to pack light, but looking at the weather forecasts that may not be a good idea. A cold Jazzy is a grumpy Jazzy, as we all know, and so I won’t be able to pack my usual light summer wear. *sighs* Hm. This is an EXCELLENT excuse to buy a new pair of jeans. *thinks* I would have to do it tonight, as Gio has a vet appointment tomorrow and I am leaving Thursday morning. *sighs* Well. My money isn’t TOO shabby, for a week long fun trip in the sun. And then there are only two weeks after that when I get back before the next pay day so… I should be set. *sighs* Yeah… I’mma go and get some jeans tonight. Old Navy I’m thinking…they tend to have cool stuff in roomy sizes.

*yawns* It’s sad. It’s only quarter till nine ad I can’t WAIT until today is over.

Stay Jazzed.