Impressions

I felt like I was back in college as I walked from my car to work this morning - not because my head is full of scholarship and GRE thoughts, but because I was wearing my sorority jacket. A jacket that I could fit when I brought it, but I WANTED one and I had the money so I got it anyway. It's now a tiny bit too big. I'm smaller than I was senior year in college. But - I still don't feel it.

One of my coworkers told me I looked "Fabulous!" today. I'm wearing my favorite pair of stretch jeans (and NO - they don't look like that - they are just fitted and bend and stretch easier - no belly binding) and a very old short sleeved thin sweater. "New clothes?" she asked - and I cold honestly say no - they aren't new, I just haven't worn them for ages because my self confidence wouldn't let me. The sweater's not tight - but it's definitely formfitting, and I usually wear the jeans with a nice mid thighlength shirt to cover my poouch. I had to TALK myself into wearing it today - because when I look in the mirror, all I see in my belly poouch and the rolls on my back. Yeah - it's all smaller, but it's still THERE. What finally convinced me to wear the outfit was thinking of one of my size 6 coworkers who yesterday wore something that showed her little poouch. If she can show her poouch, why can't I? And even still - when I look in the bathroom mirror at work - I don't feel very fabulous.

It's strange. I've (FINALLY) passed the 40 pound mark - and while I FEEL better - I don't LOOK better to me. In some ways - I think I actually look WORSE as my skin adjusts to the weight I've lost and the remaining blubber shifts around. I wonder if any of the 'professional' weight loss systems have a psychological component to help them adjust to seeing a new body? I would hope they would - especially for people who have had gastric bypass surgery. I'm having issues seeing myself as a new person after losing 40 pounds in a little over 9 months - how would I be feeling if I had lost 100 pounds in that time frame?

- sidenote -
That means I've lost at least a pound a week. Slower than I HAVE to go as two pounds a week is safe, but still - that's not half bad. If I actually exercised more who knows where I would be...
- end sidenote -

I've gotten used to the new way of eating enough that it's almost second nature now - so I'm not nearly as focused on my weight loss as I was when I started. But occasionaly, I wonder what if ANYTHING I've done. I'm in 16's now - from a 22/24 - but I don't feel like that is a real change, because I still see that big girl in the mirror. I think someone told me once before that I should be able to clearly see a difference after I lose half of what I want to lose - which is another 10 pounds. I doubt it, simply because I should be able to see that change NOW.
The other thing I wonder about is whether I was in such denial about how big I was that the size I am now still fits my mental image of the size I was. So instead of it being that I still see the big girl - I NEVER saw the big girl, and instead saw something else that looked like what I look like now. So - until I get smaller than my mental image of me, I won't feel like I'm getting smaller at all. Hm. I think I'll go with that one - I'd much rather have been in denial THEN than be in denial now.

One thing I have noticed is that I like it more when Corey touches me. Him rubbing my side FEELS so much better now that he isn't hitting rolls, and instead simply slides up my side. It matches what my mind tells me sexy is - so I feel sexier. Heh. I refuse to analyze those reactions at all - I figure anything that makes me like my man and what we do more, I'm going to blissfully roll with.

I think when I see my friends and family who haven't seen me for a while and get their reaction, I'll be able to tell whether or not the changes I've made are REALLY noticable. Though I have to admit - when we went to go see Corey's family at Easter, one of his aunts said 'Hey Ms Skinny' but - I'm not sure how much I can really rely on THAT opinion.