Bitchin...

At least I'm healthy again, but now, I hate people.

I really don't want to be at work (and ooh, look, it's only noon) but that's most likely my eagerness to get home and start my vacation time.

C & I had a huge, stupid, fight last night, mostly because of a straw that broke this camels back, and him being thickheaded - I hate it when people agree with me just to shut me up - no, the conversation ain't over til it's done. *sigh*

Anyhow, now I'm all moody today because I know he's gonna be grumpy for at least two more days (oh, the delights of being married to a man moodier than you are)

And there's the trip 'home' that I have not planned for, thought about, prepped or packed for, and I know that I need to do all of that, as well, otherwise we'll leave Monday sometimes and spend the whole time at GMIL's house - and ugh. At least I've figured out our answer - we just brought a house, we're in no rush to have a baby! I have no issues whatsoever with lying to that bunch.

Hrm, what else? Had a wonderful potluck at work, and made a really good beans and rice recipe - used some Zatar, which gave it a nice full-bodied flavor. It really needs a hunk of ham to simmer with it, but I made it vegetarian so our veggie coworker would be able to eat it.

I've been spacing on taking my pills for the last few days - either walked out the house without them, or never took them at work. *shrug* I don't know - I know I need to be still taking them, but missing a day or two here and there doesn't seem to be too bad. I take them at night pretty faithfully, so it's not even a whole day, it's just a dose that I'm missing.

I SOOOOOOOOO want this day to fly by. Please?

Thankful things....

Thanksgiving started out fabulously - the drive there was easy (though I got snarky over the last hour, as I always do on long trips)

The food was wonderful....

The fellowship was fabulous..... ETA: from left to right - leon, Nee, me, Tam, Corey - all friends - family was too shy for the camera - but we LOOK related, don't we?

And I cried a little - just a wee bit - when it was time to leave.

The trip back was good...... until it wasn't....around 5:30am on Sunday morning - in Bumfucksnitty, E. Tn we were looking for a place to pull off and have breakfast and switch drivers and in the blink of an eye.......ETA: We actually aren't sure HOW it happened - we're thinking that C dozed off for a second, causing us to drift off the road, and he overcorrected and we spun, and hit a tree - the tree caused all the damage....

But I'm fine, and Corey's mostly fine (he was driving, and just ended up with a few bruised ribs) - and we get to pay off some bills, and I get to buy a new car and.....well....

I'm just glad - so very glad - unspeakably, cryingly, praising all that is and shall be glad that WE are okay. Cars are metal and glass and rubber and steel - and as much as I liked it - it compares nothing to how much I love my hubby and myself.....

I've got more to be thankful for than I have to NOT be thankful for - screw a car, I would want to die without my husband.

Kiss the ones you love today - a split second could mean its the last chance you have.

au revior!!

The family was here, but now they are gone. It was fun having them here - I wish my uncle would have come - but oh well. He's having girlfriend drama. *rolls eyes*

Apparently, the bugs are sitll in love with me. Every TIME I step foot out of the house and am not covered from head to toe, I get bit. The latest is a huge bump on the back of my thigh - ouch, ouch, OUCH!! I actually have a piece of tape on my ankle so that I won't break the skin when I scratch  - and silly me, I left the topical benadryl at home today. *itchscratchitchscraaatch* Ah. I can't wait til I'm no longer itchy.

What else? Got my IUD pulled out yesterday - it's a fascinating little piece of equipment - but it was MUCH bigger than I expected it to be. Hurt like hell pulling it out - she didn't dilate me like they did when they put it in, and ouch. But - the cramps only lasted for about 20 minutes, so no real complaints. I got a Nuvaring and put that in this morning - hopefully the hormones won't make me all crazy & stuff like the pill did - talk about being on an emotional rollercoaster.

What else? Blahblahblehblehbleh.

I still want to go to the ocean. Camping was fun *itchscratch* but - *sigh* I need some ocean.

Fridaze....

Ummm. Hi?

This week has gone by in a blur of blurriness. My family arrived yesterday (sans my uncle, as usual *roll eyes*) and I spent the whole evening getting them settled in. It was very nice seeing them though - I've missed my mom & gramma. *pppppppphbt* Uncle.

This weekend? Um........hanging out with them, I suppose.  They are most likely coming over the house tonight - we are thinking about grabbing some takeout/something to go, and eating at our house - which should be fun. Hah. We soooo have no food in the fridge, so yeah - it's good that we plan on bringing something back.

Um. Bored STUPID at work. Stupid I tell you, stupid. And the consistent/persistant sleepiness doesn't help. Of course, if my ass got to BED before 1am, that might help a lot, ya think?

Talked to my doc yesterday - she confirmed that my IUD is remarkably low in the uterus, and it's NOT that it doesn't work anymore, but the efficienty is severely reduced. Going to see her MONDAY to get it yanked (ouchie - I hope that hurts less than putting it IN did) and to get a script for the NuvaRing - it makes no sense to get another one, as the shortest time they have is five years (which is the one I have now) I refuse to do Depo *shudder* and I'm even slightly nervous about going back to the hormonal stuff, as I became a miserable raving bitch on the Pill, but we shall see. Condoms suck. Gah, how I wish we could afford for me to get knocked up. It would be so much simpler. I wonder how that sponge thingy works.....maybe I should try that? But messy....ew. I've loved not having to THINK about it. I'm gonna miss my little tin man.

Umm....good seafood in Memphis?? Any suggestions??

*blinks* I've actually been writing  - I've got about four chapter of one of my favorite ideas done. Okay three and a half. I'm trying to write the adoption story now, and my brain is too damn dead to be properly creative - the right idea hasn't tweaked me yet. I refuse to think about what I'm going to do after writing it - besides rewriting it, of course. If I can keep up this rate of writing, I think I'll be done with the first draft by the middle of next month - which as I understand, is the easy part. It's odd - even considering how much I read, there are lots of things about WRITING I'm utterly ignorant of - like how the heck to do write dialouge? What's the proper punctuation? I've been really anal about keeping track of some of my most hated quirks in a book - weird timing, and....something else. Hell, can't remember what it was now. I think that today, I'll write the synopsis. Every time I tell someone I'm writing - they ask (naturally) what it's about - and I stammer and mutter and finally pull something out of my ass. So yeah, doing that. What genre? Fantasy, I suppose you would say.

Okay - now that I've gotten something short and basic to focus on, I'll do that.

I think that's another reason I've been writing here less - I'm usually actually writing, so journaling is like - eh. I try to note - but sometimes....brain fart. I think I might start leaving blank notes - I'm thinking of ya'll.....

psyche

without knowing
her story
how can i consicously
avoid her
pain?

I watched my mother become a virtual Jekyll and Hyde - all for love of a man who after 9 long years of confusion, love, paind and dedication, she finally gave up on. She changed into another woman when he was home, from the one she was when she was alone. During the times they were broken up, she was an entirely DIFFERENT woman - strong, agressive, intelligent, outspoken - and the second she got married again it was like all of her fire just whoosh! gone. By the time I was 10, I hated it. I LIKED my mother unmarried, and I didn't care if we had to live in a shelter - I'd take that woman over any man and any kind or amount of love ever. But she kept going back. Three times. 9 years. What change finally broke her down? Was it the long simmering grief of the first, or last - and with it the sudden realization that she wasn't herself anymore - and that she COULDN'T be herself with him? And that - I think - more than anything else buried in my pysche, is what makes me so hestitant to change myself for love. I don't want to step even the least bit on that slippery slope of reshaping myself into an image that best pleases him - and forgetting (or just plain neglecting) what pleases me. I don't want to change into a wife and lose who I've worked so damn hard over these last 27 years to become. I'm not ready to just fold and become this - other woman. I happen to like the one I already am.

I've no clue what their sex life was like, but I do know that she never taught me that sex was a requirement, prerequisite, or reflection of love. It was somethng that adults did, some something that lead to disease and babies, and something that felt remarkably good - but sex was  love? Never that.  I grew up knowing how to laugh with ease at the boys who told me that if I loved them I would have sex with them - I was never that naive. I learned that love does make sex feel better - but some of the best sex I've ever had in my LIFE has been with folx I don't love in the least - and most of the people that I love most - I've never had sex with. The connection jsut doesn't - exsist for me. At all.

And now - I'm facing more or less the same - comment - but now in a grownup wrapping. He's my husband - and I'm supposed to want to have sex with him, right? Because I love him, right? And the fact that I even question it makes me feel - guilty. Unnatural - broken somehow. And at the same time - I feel deeply resentful of the thought that I will haveto change something about me to please him - and the pressure, and the guilt, and the resentment of my stubborn refusal makes it worse - I mean - how dare I not want to please him, and how dare he demand that I please him and why can't we just get along in peace?

Because he won't change and I don't want to.

And then there's the compromise - of course.  Once or twice a week - nicely scheduled. How delightful. A onerous duty that comes at a certain time is no more a pleasure than one that sneaks up on you in suprise. And perhaps there's the issue - why do I think of it as an onerous duty? Because I'm not interested. Why aren't I interested? That - that is the crux of it. It's not as if I'm sexually repressed - I'm about the most cheerfully phsycially affectionate sensual person I know - I just *shrugs* have little to no interest in the actual dirty. Do I come? Yup - no problems in that area. It's just - *sigh* I don't know. And I feel like finally I'm adult enough to admit it - and I married the wrong man for that particular admission. So - either I change, or he goes.  And both options make me cringe.

Oprah

For a while, I could never really understand the attraction that SO many women have to Oprah. I've known some women who are TOTAL Oprah-fanatics - and in a way it's alway freaked me out.

Today - she had a show on called "What Should I Do with my life?" and my mother stopped to watch it. Can I say HALLUEIEH??? There was a lawyer who was making 300K who quit his job to open a bakery. There was the rocket scientist who started a dating service. There was the 4th generation corporate mogul - who quit to become a cop. And as my mother watched the show - something in her eased. I think that she was reassured by the fact that I'm NOT crazy to be willing to give up loads of money in order to be happy. So - she's agreeed that our next conversation about money will not focus ON money - but instead on what it will take for me to be happy.

So - thank you Oprah. Thank you sooo much.

People

 I've got to vent SOMEWHERE - and as I don't want to vent on the other diary, and I refuse to vent to my mother or friends - I've got to do it here.

I cannot STAND Corey's family. It's true, it's true. I really don't like my in-laws. Corey is one of those people who grew up to be totally NOTHING like the rest of his family - he used them as a guide to 'what NOT to be'. Anyhow - the last straw was this - I got a letter (error #1) addressed solely to me (error #2) asking us (oddd, considering error #2) to consider allowing his grandmother to give us a reception in their hometown. I truely do appreciate the gesture, however - what I DON'T like is the fact that his ENTIRE family on his mothers/grandmothers side (exclusing his brother - and he's still on the fence about it) has decided to NOT come to the wedding because it's too far away. HUH?? How can you say - No - I WON'T go to my OLDEST grandchilds wedding because it would require me to step out of my comfort radious of 100 miles? No - I don't think I have any interest in meeting my future daughter-in-law/granddaughter-in-laws family? How can someone be so selfish? I could totally (and CAN totally) understand someone not being able to come for financial reasons - that was the main reason we moved it to Vegas rather than Jamaica. I can understand someone not being able to take time off to come - that's why we put it on a holiday weekend. I could even understand someone being TOTALLY terrified of airplanes (like MY grandmother - who IS coming)  being not all that willing to come. But - these people have never even BEEN on an airplane. They've never been any further than a day's drive from home - and the fact that they are willing to totally CRUSH Corey by stating that they WON'T come to the wedding (which most likely means his beloved baby brother won't be there either) reallllllllllyyyyy tweaks my nipples.
*sigh* Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I just accept it and shrug it off and guess that maybe they don't see a wedding as important of an event as I do? And it's not even the fact that it's MY wedding - cuz I don't like em ANYHOW. It's more the fact that it's COREY's wedding - and they are giving off that 'it's not worthy' vibe - which I so easily transalte into 'he's not worthy'. And dammit - if there is a man who DESERVES to have a family worthy of HIM - it's Corey. He ain't perfect - but he is soooo very good.

So. I'm upset. I'm not going to show it (and I'm wondering if ettiqute dicates I STILL send them invites) and I'm not going to let Corey know (I can only talk BUT so much bad about them) but... I had to get that off my chest. It hurts my feelings cuz I KNOW it's hurting his feelings.

Eh. Screw em.

Jasmyn

Generations

I come from a line of fatherless women. My mothers father left my grandmother and her three children when the youngest, my mother, was ony two. My mom has often wondered if she was a last ditch attempt to keep a failing marriage together - especially considering the fact that her older siblings were only 2 years apart, but 9 years older than her.
My grandmothers father left my great-grandmother when my grandmother was 7. He lived in the same city for the rest of his life, and they never got an official divorce. The only thing I remember of him was that he was black as coal with bright eyes and a constant smell of pipe tobacco. We lived in his house for a few years after he died.
My father & mother were never married, and she kicked him out when I was under a year old. He didn't have a good grasp on fidelity or responsibility, and my mom thought it best to cut her losses (and heartache) sooner rather than later. I vaguely remember meeting a few aunts and cousins - but I couldn't have been any older than three, and I'm not sure if the memories I have are true ones or if they are hopes that somehow turned into memories.

My mothers best friend from college (A.) is married to my father best friend (D.), thus he kept track of what I was doing - but he never contacted me. The first time he contacted me, it was the first semester of college, within the first few days I was on campus. He sent me a brand new computer with printer and all the software - a letter inside told me that it was a gift from my father provided with D.'s help. I've always been a rather cynically pragmatic type, and I remember telling my mother that if he wanted to buy his way into my good graces, he was making a fabulous start.

I heard nothing else from him for 2 years. I finally broke the silence next and sent him a letter. He replied, and in our following conversations we made arrangements to meet the next time he was in Atlanta. It was the saddest, strangest encoutner I could have ever imagined. He looks like me, a little - or more accurtely I look like him. He's very tall - close to 6'7 I believe, and totally dwarfed me. We talked about innane things - what I was doing in school, his job, my half sister, the small talk that all strangers make. We never got into the real stuff...I never really wanted to hear that he didn't care enough to even pretend to care.

Since then, I've gotten one birthday card (on my 21st), two emails (both of which I've iniated) and nothing else. I invited him to my graduation, and never recieved a response. We made plans - actually I made plans to meet up here at some point - he never showed. That was the straw that broke the already weak camel's back. I gave up at that point. I ranted and raved to Corey that I was tired of being the adult - I was tired of trying to get him to do what he should have done years ago and make him a prt of my life. So I stopped. That meeting was supposed to happen in April of 2000, I believe. I haven't heard a single thing from him since. I actually think more about what Imani - my now 17 y/o half sister is doing than I think of him.

I'm about to start a new generation (no, I'm not pregnant), and I fear having my children grow up without a father. It's not that I think it's a bad thing - it's a fact of life for many children - but I think it's a much, much, much better thing for a father to be there. It's rather like formula - if you HAVE to use it, well - it's okay - but breastmilk is always better. I know that Corey would never willingly abandon our children - but my subconsious often shows me life as a single mother.

I'm disconected from my own blood in a way that can never be repaired. I don't know the names of anyone on my fathers side, only know a few people on my grandfathers side (and that's only because they still live in the same city as my grandmother does) and I know absolutely no one on my great-grandfathers side of the family. I often wonder if they think of the offshoots that have been cut away, and wish that history could me changed to bring this family back together. I could do a geneological search and piece my family together - but it simply would not be the same as growing up with a horde of cousins and aunt's and uncles and - family. All I would have is a sheet of paper with the names of all those who share my blood that I'll never know.

Corey's family isn't coming to the wedding. They've never flown, and have no plans to start flying now. He doesn't really get along with most of his family anyhow - mostly because of their comfort and satisfaction with having narrow minds and living in even narrower locales. We know that we are moving away from here, and in both our hearts we know that we are breaking away from his family - and lately that has weighed very heavily on me. I want my children to be a part of a FAMILY - and while I will settle for one that is made of hearts rather than of blood - I truly wish (for our sake and theirs) that it could be different.

Mothering

So. I've just got off the phone with my mother. We've been having these kind of conversations a lot lately - where she tries to tell me what I should do with my life, and I gently try to tell her that there is no way in HELL I will ever willingly turn myself into a wage slave again simply for the pleasure of 'having' stuff.
L. tells me that because we grew up around money (which maybe he did - but I certainly didn't) we had the freedom to be able to see what else would make us happy besides money. I don't know - maybe that is it. But, I do know that as I've gotten older, more in touch with myself, and wiser - I've begun to realize that the 'money first' attitude isn't mine. It's no longer the #1 thing on my list of need to have. Maybe I can fix my mouth to say that because I've never TRULY been short of money. I've never had to decide whether to pay the phone bill or the electric bill because covering both wasn't possible. I've never had to make excuses to my children as to why we are having the same thing to eat for dinner AGAIN. But - at the same time, I don't want to have to chose between going to a meeting or going to the ballet recital I've worked so hard to afford. I don't want to work so long and doing something that I hate - simply for the money. I don't want to HAVE to work to the bone to have the 'things' I've been told that I need/deserve - but not being happy.
She told me tonight - sometimes if one has a goal, one has to sacrifice to reach it. I agree. And I've sacrificed - but it should be okay to draw a line in the sand and say "Here. I can give up no more - I WILL not give up anymore in order to have more THINGS around me." It should be acceptable to say - No more. The money isn't worth MY LIFE.
I don't plan on being poor - heavens no. I've got too much of a champange taste for that. But - I do plan on being HAPPY. And if being happy means that I don't make as much as a dentist does - hey. I can live with that. If being happy means that I won't be able to afford to drive a new car every other year - hey. I can LIVE with that. But - she doesn't see the huge realm of possibilities between working 80 hours a week at a job I hate but lets me bring home 150,000 a year - and working at a 7-11 struggling from paycheck to paycheck with no money to take my children to art classes or museums.

I haven't had the heart to tell her that I'm pretty sure of what I want to do with my life - simply because I'm almost sure that she wouldn't approve. It doesn't make enough money for her - besides not being the least bit impressive. Sometimes, I really wonder how she managed to raise a child with so much of her sense of money, but with such an unattraction to it.

I imagine it must be hard for her though. To see me, her pride & joy, talking madness about being happy - no matter the money. It must be worrying for her - to see me so willing to apparently toss everything she's taught me away for some 'emotional' feeling.

I don't know. Maybe I am a little too idealistic. Maybe I have painted a rosy picture in my mind of what a simpler life would be like. Even still, I yearn for it.

Blood

I'm an only child - but I still felt the ned to write an entry about my siblings.
I am the only child of my mother. My father (who I've seen three times in my life that I can remember - two of those because I initiated it) has (last I heard) one daughter who is about ten years younger than me. Thankfully, my mother and my stepfather never had children - which I'm sure saved us from a life of misery tied to that man.
But - I have brothers, and I have a sister. My best female friend from the previous entry - she is my sister. And I have two males friends who without a doubt I would classify as my brothers. So - how have they changed my life?

I've been spoiled by them. I see what real strong friendship and love is all about in my relationship with them - and because of them I have much higher standards about who I associate with. They taught me how to interact with people my own age, and they helped me learn that mature doesn't always mean dull. They are my rocks of stability - and while I don't expect them to drop everything and come running to my rescue (though they would if I lived closer) I know that no matter what we may disagree on, on what me may clash about, and no matter how far away we live from each other they will always be my friends.

I'm often jealous of those with siblings - whether they are close to them or whether they can't stand each other. I'm jealous of families as a whole - because a large family is something that I crave. I'm learning to settle for having a community around me that feels like family.

It's amazing how conscious caring and respect can almost always trump mere blood.

Years and years and years....

That's what forever is - or more accurately until death do us part. And sometimes it's sad and scary to think of it, because he could die tommorow - I could die tommorow - and we would be parted.
But at the same time, if we DO live to be 93, it's scary to think of all the years and all the LIVING that's going to go on in those years. Just to start there's both of us growing, changing, learning more about ourselves and what we want from life. Toss in cildren, moving, different jobs, illness, money, and looking down that long road - it seems like love is such a tiny amount of a fragile glue to hold us together.

I read (and see) so much BITTERNESS towards spouses. Repressed (or not so repressed anger). Expectations. Loneliness. Plain old dislike. And I have to wonder what changed to allow them to end up where they did. I'm sure it didn't start out that way - I'm guessing most people start almost exactly where I am - looking down that long road with love and hope, looking forward to the Golden Years together. Instead they find themselves trolling for 'lovers' online. Having conversations that sound more like a running litany of complaints than an interaction of ideas. It's scary...

But...but then I look at US. Two people who reflect each other. Two people who talk TO each other. Two people who understand the NEED to occasionally ask (or demand) forgiveness. Two people who try to be honest - sharing feelings, sharing fears, sharing anger. Two people who know that they aren't perfect. We know our life together won't be perfect or automatic...and I guess that is what strengthens our love.

I wish I knew 'the' magic formula for loving someone for life. We're going to try - making mistakes and bumbling along to find the formula that works for us - but sometimes as I'm drifting off to sleep I worry that we will make so many mistakes that we can't find our way out of them, and we will stop being able to love each other.

I don't know. And usually that is simply an admission and an encouragement to go forth and find out. But for this - a relationship that WE have alost total power over and that WE want to keep strong and wonderful - there is no way to actually KNOW. It's just a matter of making it through the years with grace and love (always love).

And all I can hope is that we can tell our children and grandchildren on our 50^th anniversary - "Guesswork, effort, communication, and love. That's what it took."

I hope that IS what it takes.

jasmyn

Registration & Resignation

Okay - this weekend is THE weekend to register. :) No - I STILL haven't done the STD's (I'm staying HOME next weekend so that I can work on them) but we need to register BEFORE we send out the cards that have the website that list where we are registered at on it. Target, we can do in store. Crate&Barrel we can do online, PierOne we can do in store (I just need to find one) and William&Sonoma will just have to wait until we both come up here. So - that will almost leave the website in 'ready to go' condition.

And then there is one other little niggling thing that isn't done on the website that I really don't know HOW to handle. I want to put up a family listing somehow, and I was thinking of a family tree - but I'm not all that thrilled about creating a family tree. I'm - embrassed - I guess about the sparsity of my knowledge of my family. I don't even know my paternal grandparents NAMES, and it sucks. I don't know my maternal grandfaters name by heart - though I can find that out easily enough by checking with my mother. I've more or less gotten OVER it in my daily life *shrugs* my father was a selfish asshole, but there are times (like now) when family becomes SO freaking important, and I don't quite know how to handle it. And honestly, I don't even want to THINK about it too much because then I get all upset and bitter and sad that my father didn't have the decency (and still doesn't) to acknowledge me. I wouldn't even mind if he didn't want to halp raise me or donate any sort of financial assitance to my mother - but damn. And then I wonder about the REST of his family. On their side I'm the oldest female grandchild. I think. *shrugs* Ah well.
So. I don't know what I'm going to do with the family section. I might just swallow the icky feeling and make a family tree - even though it will be ugly and lopsided - it's true. And I have to say - the fruit is a good bit better than at least half the tree it feel from.

Jasmyn

The Grinch Woman's Family

I'm a Grinch. I fully admit to, and have no shame about the fact. Generally, I just plain don't LIKE Christmas. I suppose I could blame it on the fact that I never had Christmases as I was growing up, so instead of catching the feeling of the 'Magic' of the Season, instead I simply observed the materialism, artifical joy, and artifical trees.

This year though - it's been worse. I remember the odd agony of going back to school after Christmas break, and having no exciting news (or gifts) to talk about and prattle over. No visits from family, no big dinner - Christmas was just a chance to not go to school. And suddenly, I'm aware of the fact that - oh my god! I'm starting a FAMILY - me and Corey are about to join together and be a family - including kids...and I don't want those children to have to experience the outsiderness that I felt after Christmas. But at the same time - I just can't get into it. I want to start a tradition - something that we do as a family and that will be carried on to our children - and I just can't think of anything that doesn't feel either patently false or that doesn't feed into the American Xmass excess.

Kwanzaa - I simply can't get into. It's more of a made-up holiday than Christmas is, and heaven knows that if I felt false doing Christmas stuff, I would feel even MORE of an artifical person doing Kwanza stuff.

Solstice - That I can do - could do, with ease. It's roughly the same time of year (which is no accident), it's ancient, and it's all about honoring and being grateful for something OUTSIDE of yourself. It's almost anti-materialistic, and it can incorporate many of the more common aspects of Christmas (once again, no accident). The interesting part might be getting Corey to come along - he understands that I'm more pagan than anything else, but would he be willing to roll with me and to incorporate such a distinctly pagan holiday into our family tradition?? :) And then I feel rather guilty doing it - because heaven knows that I am, at best, an erratic pagan. :) But I feel that if there is any tradition I could accept (in both spirit and action) it would be Solstice.

I've been tossing around the thought since Thanksgiving with his family...because I realized that there was no way that we would be spending many holidays of any sort with them. Thankfully, Corey is NOTHING like the rest of his family - and we have agreed that we want our childrens exposure to them limited and strictly supervised. It's a matter of the young being so innocent and open - and us not wanting them to soak up any of the poison that floats about that house.

We talked about it - in a rather general and vague manner on our way back that night. And ever since I've been thinking about it - I mean it's not like you can AVOID thinking about Christmas from Halloween until the middle of January (when the 'post' Christmas sales finally die down). I've been debating wheter or not to buy a tree...to put up my lights...to burn some candles. And I haven't yet come to a real state of serenity about any of it.

Our conversation about Christmas then morphed into a conversation about religion. I've experienced two of the Big Three (Islam and Christianity) and I have absolutely no intention of indoctrinating my children into either one (and plan on attempting to limit their exposure as well) until they are old enough to truly understand. Corey - who grew up as a nominal Baptist - agress with me. Church will have little to no place in our home, nor will Jesus. But at the same time, I want to expose our children to religion - explain it - without expecting them to follow it...or to believe.

It's interesting how many little things I've started to notice that are missing from what I do today, and what I want to do (and have always planned on doing) once I have a family. As the wedding creeps closer (270 days!) I'm slowly becoming more and more aware that I'm part of my own Family now. That's almost as scary as realizing that I plan on binding myself to one man for the rest of my life. Actually - it's a little scarier, because I'm starting to feel ALL grown up. And I'm still too young for that. :)

jasmyn

Success!!

and on more than one front!!

I met the family and things went sooo well. :) I'm not anyone's new best friend, but still...they like me! They really like me!!

 And the other front? I FINALLLY talked to my love about the ring, and he is sooooo cool with it. :) Happy Jazzy. Happy happy jazzy!! *nods*

 Umm... I have slacked off on the book though... mainly because I have been busy/brain dead all weekend, and because I know I can work on it during my dull times (which are so many times lately) during work.

 Ummm... what else? That's about all that is new in my life.... how about yours?

 Stay Jazzed.

Nervousa

 Getting nervous, getting nervous. I'm going to go and meet Corey's family tommorow after chruch, and for some reason I'm scarrrred. :(
MAybe it's cuz I jsut want to make the absolute best impression without seeming snobby? *shrugs* I don't know.

 Wish me luck.

 Stay Jazzed.

Family Life

inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale

Breathing is such a simple act. Air in, air out. Such a simple act that insures life…gives you the chance to do it again. *shrugs* I have been weirded out for the past few days…feeling like I’m working on borrowed time. I haven’t felt this…aware of death since that terrifying car accident I was in shortly after LittleOne’s senior prom. *shrugs* I don’t know why I’m so…eerie, but I just have a weird ass feeling. Either I will get over it, or I won’t. I am assuming it is stemming from the fact that I am just, as I told my momma, feeling ‘off-kilter’. I feel fragile…like a mote in God’s eye….

Anyhow…over the weekend I straightened up my file box, and as I was going through it, I found the letter from the sperm donor. *sighs* I need to think of a better name for him…maybe I’ll just call him Ray. Anyhow…this was the letter that he wrote back to me after I broke the ice the first time and sent a letter to him. It’s odd…because I had been thinking off him on and off for the past few weeks, feeling like I should get in touch with him.

You’d suppose after 24 years I would have gotten used to the silence, but I still can’t…can’t just walk away from the silence and accept it. I have accepted that as far as true family goes, I am a child of my mother, and my mother’s mother, and of my mother’s mother’s mother. Yeah…I can count three generations of women, and not a single generation of men. My father… gone. My mother father…gone…I don’t even know if he is still alive. I doubt that my mother knows. My mother’s mother’s father…gone. I have half of a family tree…half of a history.

I vaguely remember my great grandfather…a coal black man who always smelled of pipe smoke. I had to be about 4…no older. I’m not sure what happened to him…maybe he died. My great grand mother…I remember her well. My grandfather…I met once. When I was about 15…it was a birthday for one of our ‘cousins’, and along with him I met a lot of his family…strangers all. As for my father…I met him once as well. I have aunt’s and cousins and uncles and all the like…that I will never be family to. I have a 14 year old half sister, who could slap me in the face and I wouldn’t know who she was. It’s a…interesting state to be in. Well… what all that rambling boils down to is that I am going to write Ray again…well… just a card. I…I think I am still… no..

I am still a little….ouched by the fact that he didn’t…acknowledge my graduation announcement…but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he didn’t get it. I am…bitter about the fact that after many…words of sincerity and concern, I haven’t heard from him since…my 21st birthday. A little over three years ago. And I’m trying to figure out how to put it all into one card that I am hurt and angry and sad and bitter…and that I want something from him… but I have no clue what that would make a damn bit of difference at this point in my life…and how to say all this in a way that doesn’t sound childish and doesn’t sound ragingly mad and doesn’t sound like mushed mealymouth either. Hallmark doesn’t make cards for fathers who aren’t. And then I further wonder if I even have any right…any reason to be acknowledged. I am…a 24 year old memory that has been ignored for 24 years…hell I’ll give him 21 years of forgetfulness…is there a statue of limitations on blood? Is there a time after which you should just give up and say fuck it…I don’t HAVE a paternal side? Is there a time after which a child can no longer claim anything from a … sperm donor that she never knew anyway?

Am I being a fool for even trying…and a bigger fool for even caring? Should I just suck it up, and start to believe in parthenogenesis and accept that the only closest ancestor that I have is my mother… and will always be her? *sighs* I don’t know…I feel like I am too old to be this conflicted over this. I feel like I should be ‘old’ enough to let it go…to let him go…like he did me. *sighs* And how the hell do I even try to fit all these conflicting feelings and emotions into a itty bitty hallmark card?

Stay Jazzed.

Holiday Recap

Well… I’m back at work the first time this year. Blagh I say once again. Nothing really new, but I guess I need to make some newness on my own.

The holidays were…different I must say. This break was…odd somehow. I can’t really put my finger on it, but it wasn’t the usual orgasm of fun and fremily love that I am used to. Maybe it is because we are all working folx now, and so that whole air of leisure that we used to have is gone. Or maybe it was the fact that I was sick as a very very sad dog for the first three or four days I was there, and I never really recovered from losing that time. I don’t know. The time simply flew by, and before I really knew it I was packing up to come back to Indy. *shrugs*

Christmas Eve – I was on an airplane early in the day, got picked up from the airport by one of my friends, ran out and got the very last present I needed and then crashed on the couch for the rest of the day.

Christmas Day – Got off the couch only to find more tissues, pour more orange juice, and go to the bathroom. If I actually celebrated Christmas, it would have been the saddest and most depressing Christmas ever. As it was.. it simply sucked because I HATE HATE HATE being sick.

One lovely thing that DID happen over the break was that I met my cousin, one of the many frist cousins that I have, but because my uncle is such a LARGE asshole, most of his children’s mothers have fled the area. Hm. That puts them in a worse light than it should. Let me put it this way. He has *thinks* 8 kids, by five different women, each of whom married him after dating him while he was married to the previous wife. *shakes head* And now he thinks his current wife is cheating on him…I say he is getting a taste of his own medicine. Anyhow…This girl-cousin is 15, one of the children of the wife who hates him the least. They live in Florida, and she wanted to spend Christmas with her father. I met her once, *thinks* didn’t really hit it off with her, mainly because I don’t like seeing my grandmother being treated like a fetch & serve girl in her own home and J (the cousin) followed her fathers lead in how she acted towards my grandmother.

We were supposed to have a family dinner together later that week, but as usual my uncle pulled a lovely asshole of a lie from SOMEWHERE to finagle his way out of it. The dinner was still nice though, with me, my mommy, my grandmother, my great aunt, my great cousin, and her man-friend. We had a good time and a lovely dinner. It’s a shame that J never really got to see the whole family…or at least her dad’s side of it. : ) It’s funny, I don’t evny her her father, knowing what I do of him. Such an asshole…anyhow…

New Years was quieter than I had planned. Originally the plan was for a group of 6 of us to get together in a hotel suite, and drink and play games and party and so forth. It ended up being a hen party, when all the guys punked out leaving the three ladies to sit in a suite ( a much smaller suite) eat good luck food and cheesecake, drink waaayyy too much wine and champagne, get jerked out of our comfy beds twice by a fake fire alarm, and sit up & watch the major Sex in the City marathon that HBO was kind enough to provide.

Oddly enough the best part of my holiday was the few days I had at home. I missed Chef so so much.. : ) It was lovely seeing him again. We exchanged gifts and he loved the gift that I gave him…at least the second half. The first part was a store gift some lovely Hugo colonge. Ladies…if you like that fresh airy smell of your man… TRY IT OUT. *grins* Get’s my tummy tickling just thinking about it…anyhow. The second part of the gift was a kinda memory book with pictures and thoughts and collages and bits of poetry and stuff in it. He enjoyed it a lot. What did he get me you ask….. a TRIPOD. A simply lovely tall as me sturdy collaspes to a little under 2 feet long TRIPOD. Oh… this man may have my heart I tell you. Umm we spent lots of time just lingering around the house. I have money issues. I didn’t want to go out anywhere because I knew that I couldn’t afford it, even though knowing him he would have paid for it all anyhow. *sighs*

Hmm… anything else exciting going on in my life? Not really… after I finished the drugs they gave me my period FINALLY showed up…but I am going to the doctor again this week and see if they can tell me something good, as well as to get a much much more reliable form of birth control. Then I am going to my regular doctor for my initial appointment, as well as to get him to put me on some sort of weight reduction plan. It’s got to come off, and as I don’t really trust myself to do this right, healthly and on my own, I figured I would get the doc to help me out. My goal is to lose at least 100 pounds by the time I turn 25. That gives me about a year. I might not hit 100 on the nose, but if I am with 15 pounds of it I will be happy. And the scary part is…I can lose 100 pounds and not be the least bit anorexic looking. *sighs*

Well… ending on a slightly happier note… I have made it through everyone’s diary… (except for Kelly who made her diary private… What’s going on lady????) and left many a note. I hope that everyone has a happy and lovely year…better then last year and worse than next year. : )

Stay Jazzed.

Still Motion

I don’t know how aggressive to be in my life. I don’t know where I should draw the line in my work, social or love life. Where is the point when it is no longer ‘being nice’ and ‘getting along’ and turns into me being a silent doormat? I have hard time drawing limits in my life, because I don’t want my intentions to be perceived wrong, and silence can be perceived as so many things to different people. *sigh* Sense? No… okay.. two situations:
1) work. I am going CRAZY…. And I am really unsure of how aggressive I can be. I am learning, slowly slowly slowly, but I KNOW that my skills and my intelligence are not being used or taxed to their fullest. Is it appropriate for me to just roll to my boss and basically say: Hey! I’m bored shitless. Either give me something to do or let me go somewhere else. *sighs*
2) Chef. I know that his job makes him keep some odd ass hours, but…a call every once in a while during his ‘morning’ isn’t really too much to ask is it? I don’t want to be the one forever calling up ‘just to see what’s up’. I don’t want to start making correlation’s and assumptions, but occasionally I feel like my middle name should be ‘Best Western – We keep the light burning for you’ and he calls me to make a reservation. UGH. Why do I always feel like I am being used.. whether it is true or not?

Then… Oh m’godness, I love my momma to death but sometimes I just wanna… SCREAM! I so understand that JJ & MJ song now.

And then… I don’t know how to talk. I know that I am blunt, and when it comes all up to my feelings I am sensitive as FUCK….but UGH!

The general aura of evverything I do is a state of limbo’d confusion. I don’t know what to do or when to do it or how to do it and so I sit in one place and rock and mutter to myself. ARRGGHHH… I am so tired of being still but I am scared to move in any direction because it might be the wrong one, but I know that not moving at all is most definitely the wrong thing to do so I bounce back and forth between manic activity that leads me in circles and a frozen deer-in-the-headlights kind of stillness. AHHHHH!

*deep breath* Maybe yoga?

Stay Jazzed.

Wednesday Monday Blahs

Hello, Beautiful People!! I’ve been off in the land of Mommy-ness for a while now…didn’t really feel like I had any time off of work as I haven’t had a single lay-in-bed-all-day day…and of course not a single snuggle-session with Chef. *sighs* Anyhow…. I am enjoying having her here, although I have been spending way way wayyyyy too much danngone money.

Anywho… I’m back at work, checking up on all of my email & favorites…I swear, when I leave for Christmas break it is going to take me a WEEK just to catch up on everyone. 51. That’s how many people lives I poke into on a daily basis (or on a how often they write basis), but either way.. I feel like I know so many people…that I DON’T know. It always makes me smile to read one favorite, and see a note left by another favorite, who has a note from another. Sometimes I find new people through my other favorites, sometimes I randomly hop to them, and other times I see a bit of writing on the main page that just drags me into their diary. So, after missing 5 days, I had plenty to read.

And what’s up with this election stuff? Talk about MADNESS….It looks like Gore will win according to popular vote, but that damn Electoral College in Florida is still out. *rolls eyes* Madness I tell you…
Ugh. I’m blabbing.

Stay Jazzed.

Emotion

swaying
in the sea wind
my toes rooted
to the center of the world
my arms raised
hands like twin moons
I take in
the sea
the sky
the sun
and become whole

I got my new CD’s from Columbia house yesterday, and one of the ones I got was Jazzyfatnastees The Once and Future . Can I say that these sisters are jamming? They remind me of someone but I can’t figure out who. They are singing…forgive me sanging and it is a really peaceful groove. Especially the songs Unconventional Ways and Related to Me .

I’m all disturbed. My innards feel all flip-floppy, like there is something that I was supposed to do and have neglected for so long that nothing can fix it. I think I might just need some sleep (I am going home and going STRAIGHT to bed tonight…really),but…I think it is something more. Something is nagging at the edges of my mind, and I wish it would just be bold and step out, or I would be bold enough to pry into myself and figure it out. I feel like I am forgetting to breathe, and am living on borrowed air and memories.

I have to do something for my mommy. I have been reading through some of my favorites diaries, and talking to people, and I realize that the peacefully beautifully strong relationship I have with my mother is priceless. I can honestly say that I LOVE my mother, without any hesitations, without any quibbles, without even the thought that she could change. She is perfect just the way she is…*smiles* for an example… I WANT to turn into my mother as I get older. I think that nothing else would make me feel better that to grow into the woman that she is.

*shivers* I’m all emotional for no clear reason…and I’m not even hormonal. Ugh. This sucks. Maybe it’s the music. I have been listening to these women all last night, and all day today (since I’ve been at work). But the music you listen it reflects your mood… right? I can’t imagine listening to anything else right now…

Stay Jazzed.