Generations

I come from a line of fatherless women. My mothers father left my grandmother and her three children when the youngest, my mother, was ony two. My mom has often wondered if she was a last ditch attempt to keep a failing marriage together - especially considering the fact that her older siblings were only 2 years apart, but 9 years older than her.
My grandmothers father left my great-grandmother when my grandmother was 7. He lived in the same city for the rest of his life, and they never got an official divorce. The only thing I remember of him was that he was black as coal with bright eyes and a constant smell of pipe tobacco. We lived in his house for a few years after he died.
My father & mother were never married, and she kicked him out when I was under a year old. He didn't have a good grasp on fidelity or responsibility, and my mom thought it best to cut her losses (and heartache) sooner rather than later. I vaguely remember meeting a few aunts and cousins - but I couldn't have been any older than three, and I'm not sure if the memories I have are true ones or if they are hopes that somehow turned into memories.

My mothers best friend from college (A.) is married to my father best friend (D.), thus he kept track of what I was doing - but he never contacted me. The first time he contacted me, it was the first semester of college, within the first few days I was on campus. He sent me a brand new computer with printer and all the software - a letter inside told me that it was a gift from my father provided with D.'s help. I've always been a rather cynically pragmatic type, and I remember telling my mother that if he wanted to buy his way into my good graces, he was making a fabulous start.

I heard nothing else from him for 2 years. I finally broke the silence next and sent him a letter. He replied, and in our following conversations we made arrangements to meet the next time he was in Atlanta. It was the saddest, strangest encoutner I could have ever imagined. He looks like me, a little - or more accurtely I look like him. He's very tall - close to 6'7 I believe, and totally dwarfed me. We talked about innane things - what I was doing in school, his job, my half sister, the small talk that all strangers make. We never got into the real stuff...I never really wanted to hear that he didn't care enough to even pretend to care.

Since then, I've gotten one birthday card (on my 21st), two emails (both of which I've iniated) and nothing else. I invited him to my graduation, and never recieved a response. We made plans - actually I made plans to meet up here at some point - he never showed. That was the straw that broke the already weak camel's back. I gave up at that point. I ranted and raved to Corey that I was tired of being the adult - I was tired of trying to get him to do what he should have done years ago and make him a prt of my life. So I stopped. That meeting was supposed to happen in April of 2000, I believe. I haven't heard a single thing from him since. I actually think more about what Imani - my now 17 y/o half sister is doing than I think of him.

I'm about to start a new generation (no, I'm not pregnant), and I fear having my children grow up without a father. It's not that I think it's a bad thing - it's a fact of life for many children - but I think it's a much, much, much better thing for a father to be there. It's rather like formula - if you HAVE to use it, well - it's okay - but breastmilk is always better. I know that Corey would never willingly abandon our children - but my subconsious often shows me life as a single mother.

I'm disconected from my own blood in a way that can never be repaired. I don't know the names of anyone on my fathers side, only know a few people on my grandfathers side (and that's only because they still live in the same city as my grandmother does) and I know absolutely no one on my great-grandfathers side of the family. I often wonder if they think of the offshoots that have been cut away, and wish that history could me changed to bring this family back together. I could do a geneological search and piece my family together - but it simply would not be the same as growing up with a horde of cousins and aunt's and uncles and - family. All I would have is a sheet of paper with the names of all those who share my blood that I'll never know.

Corey's family isn't coming to the wedding. They've never flown, and have no plans to start flying now. He doesn't really get along with most of his family anyhow - mostly because of their comfort and satisfaction with having narrow minds and living in even narrower locales. We know that we are moving away from here, and in both our hearts we know that we are breaking away from his family - and lately that has weighed very heavily on me. I want my children to be a part of a FAMILY - and while I will settle for one that is made of hearts rather than of blood - I truly wish (for our sake and theirs) that it could be different.