Blinding

I'm not nervous - not yet. Right now I'm just - jittery. I've thought about little else all week - and while I could back out, I'm not. Tomorrow, I'm going to undergo LASIK surgery - and if you've heard any horror stories about it, please don't tell me now.
I don't think I've EVER been able to see well. I was homeschooled, so the normal way of telling that children can'tsee wasn't there. I didn't watch TV either, so that was another sign missing. Yeah, I always had my nose ina book (literally) but I was a bookworm - that wasn't much of a suprise. It wasn't until I was eight, living in my great-grandfather's house, that my parents figured out I couldn't see. I was found out as I tried to sneak an Oreo cookie of my stepfathers which he jealously (and in hindsight obsessively) forbade us to eat. He was laying on the couch a few feet away, and I was trying to see if he was asleep. His face was blurred, so I squinted my eyes to try to see him better. He asked me why I was squinting at him, and when I told him I couldn't tell if his eyes were open or shut, he (a glasses wearer, unlike my mom) promptly sent me to the eye doctor. I think the other reason that no-one noticed my bad eyesight was because I had hearing problems. Well, not really hearing problems - my mother was worried that I did because she did, and because if you called me and I Was reading a book, I wouldn't respond until I was actually touched.
But anyhow...I started wearing glasses when I was eight. Horrid ugly things they were, and I knew that then. However, the novelty of actually being able to SEE beat any unattractiveness I might have felt at that age. I continued to wear nothing but glasses until I was 16 or 17. I think it may have even been at 15, as when I was 16 me and my mother went to an information session about RK, which was the first version of laser surgery for eyesight. I was firmly turned away, being told that I was too young and had too much variation in my eyesight. I stored that away, and promptly started pestering my mother for contacts. She stood firm (and I'm not sure why) about me not getting contacts. I think she was more nervous about me sticking my clumsy fingers in my eyes than I was. My summer before my junior year of high school, I started wearing contacts. I haven't turned back since.
When I moved here, I found a great eye doctor downtown. I already knew that my presrception hadn't changed in a year, and I was hoping that it would continue to stay steady. Each year when I went to get my check-up and a prescription for new contacts (only once for new glasses as I don't wear them often) it was confirmed - yup, your prescription is staying steady. Then, two of my coworkers had LASIK done, and they both sung the praises of the surgery. The seed was firmly planted in my head. In November, we were setting up our benefits for the next year, and something whispered to me "Do the flexible spending thingy - you can get LASIK then". I thought about it, checked it out, determined that I could afford to have the money taken out of my paycheck every month, and at least partially offset the outrageous cost of the surgery.
So. That brings me here. I've lived a life based on my sight. I find joy in reading, writing, taking photographs - all things that without the amazing gift of sight, I would be utterly unable to do, and now I'm taking the biggest risk I have ever taken with my eyes. But...I don't want to live my life utterly dependant on glasses on contacts. I want to be able to SWIM and SEE. I want to be able to ride rollercoasters and not worry about my eyes tearing up so badly that oneo f my contacts flies out - and yes, that's happened to me. I want to be able to CRY and still see more than 6 inches in front of me. I want...I want to be able to see clearly, solely with the orbs in my eyes. Greedy? Maybe. But it's so worth it. For all of you people who have perfect vision and have ALWAYS had perfect vision - I envy you. And I'm willing to take a risk to join your ranks.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be nervous. But right now, I'm just looking forward to watching a hundred sunsets on my own.