Expectations

Sometimes I think that I have exceedingly high expectations of the kind of mother I'm going to be, and I worry that I will look DOWN on myself if I am not the parent I plan on being. Yet, at the same time, I am not willing to mentally 'settle' for being any less. I think that every parent plans on being the BEST parent they can possibly be - or at least in my mind I would hope so. I would also hope that those same parents would have taken some time to THINK about how they want to raise their kids and how to guide them along. Corey and I have constant discussions about our kids. What we're going to name them, how we are going to raise them, discipline, school, friends, TV, bedtimes, eating habits, privacy - just EVERYTHING that we can think of (or some brat reminds us of) we talk about.

But there are so many parents who aren't - bad - per se, it just seems like either 1) they haven't thought about the consequences of THEIR actions 2) they don't care or 3) they don't realize how smart kids are. My latest bit of confusion on this topic - I have a coworker who has a gorgeous strapping 16-month-old son. We were sitting at lunch one day, and talking with another coworker whose wife recently had their second child. She begins to ask him about strollers as she plans on taking a long trip with him in a few months, and she doesn't want to have to carry a big stroller. Then she says He is SOOO strong - if he doesn't want to do something, I can't make him do it. In that case, she was talking about him staying in his high chair, but I had to wonder if she thought at ALL about how that is going to play out as he gets older. She is TEACHING him that if he struggles, complains, or whines enough, she will give in to his demands and give him what he wants. Obviously, right now the kid staying in his high chair or not isn't such a big deal - but what about when it comes to bigger things? Homework? Bedtimes? Meals? Bathing? General attitude? She is going to bitch and moan and whine about how she has to fight with him to get him to do ANYTHING that she wants - or that he throws temper tantrums - but she won't realize at ALL that she TAUGHT him that form of getting what he wants.

Looking back, I don't think my mother was mean or overly harsh to me. I honestly can't ever remember her having to physically discipline me - and I can honestly say that I KNEW better. Even as a very young child - I KNEW better. And I knew that there were certain things I could get away with, and certain things that I couldn't, and nothing more than the respect and LOVE I had for my mother kept me in line. I wasn't one of those children you see now-a-days in stores cringing as their parent reaches in to scoop them up - I was one of those children who never HAD to be scooped up for acting out. I also wonder if that is more the fact of the KIND of child I was, or if it was because of how I was raised. I believe that it was because of how I was raised.
There are several things that my mother did that I have SWORN to do for my children - simply because it makes sense.
1) Let them pick out their own clothes. My mother would select several mix & match options, but I would pick out what I actually wore that day. I did this from - 2? 3? years old.
2) Feed them what they need to eat. The concept of a child not eating anything but apples & hotdogs sounds like nothing BUT lazy parenting to me. I was usually consulted about what I would LIKE to have for dinner. Sometimes I go it, sometimes I didn't. If I didn't like what was served, I didn't have to eat, and I could go to bed hungry. It wasn't a punishment - it was me fully feeling the result of my actions. She never tried to feed me food that I hated, and she never had to fret about making everyone at the table happy.
3) Allow privacy. I firmly believe that every member of the family DESERVES privacy. Always. I had a friend who wasn't allowed to close her bedroom door - and that always creeped me out. Forbidding your child privacy insinuates that you do NOT trust them, no matter how much you may say that you do. I think the one and ONLY time my mother 'searched' my room, I was sitting there on the bed, bawling about something, and I fully deserved to have my room searched. I was 15 then, and I still believe that she never snooped in my room without my permission.
4) Mutual Respect. Some parents feel that they can treat their children as they would rather NOT be treated - and wonder why the kids treat them the same way. I won't snoop through my kids’ stuff. I will ask permission before I use anything of theirs. I will knock on their door before walking in. I will apologize/admit when I'm wrong. I won't act like I know everything & that I'm always right.

So. I know that no parent ever wants to FEEL like they are raising their children 'wrong'. Hell, I don't know if there really is a WRONG way to raise your child if you provide love and boundaries. But in my heart, I know that I have an image of a right way to raise our children - and I can only hope that we are strong enough to do it.