Years and years and years....

That's what forever is - or more accurately until death do us part. And sometimes it's sad and scary to think of it, because he could die tommorow - I could die tommorow - and we would be parted.
But at the same time, if we DO live to be 93, it's scary to think of all the years and all the LIVING that's going to go on in those years. Just to start there's both of us growing, changing, learning more about ourselves and what we want from life. Toss in cildren, moving, different jobs, illness, money, and looking down that long road - it seems like love is such a tiny amount of a fragile glue to hold us together.

I read (and see) so much BITTERNESS towards spouses. Repressed (or not so repressed anger). Expectations. Loneliness. Plain old dislike. And I have to wonder what changed to allow them to end up where they did. I'm sure it didn't start out that way - I'm guessing most people start almost exactly where I am - looking down that long road with love and hope, looking forward to the Golden Years together. Instead they find themselves trolling for 'lovers' online. Having conversations that sound more like a running litany of complaints than an interaction of ideas. It's scary...

But...but then I look at US. Two people who reflect each other. Two people who talk TO each other. Two people who understand the NEED to occasionally ask (or demand) forgiveness. Two people who try to be honest - sharing feelings, sharing fears, sharing anger. Two people who know that they aren't perfect. We know our life together won't be perfect or automatic...and I guess that is what strengthens our love.

I wish I knew 'the' magic formula for loving someone for life. We're going to try - making mistakes and bumbling along to find the formula that works for us - but sometimes as I'm drifting off to sleep I worry that we will make so many mistakes that we can't find our way out of them, and we will stop being able to love each other.

I don't know. And usually that is simply an admission and an encouragement to go forth and find out. But for this - a relationship that WE have alost total power over and that WE want to keep strong and wonderful - there is no way to actually KNOW. It's just a matter of making it through the years with grace and love (always love).

And all I can hope is that we can tell our children and grandchildren on our 50^th anniversary - "Guesswork, effort, communication, and love. That's what it took."

I hope that IS what it takes.

jasmyn