Internal Damages

I've always been - well, no. Not always. Lately, I've been wondering if my abortion (8 years ago! holy cow!) maybe - damaged my uterus somehow. I've heard of the cringing and problems that D&C could cause, and - well, the thought was always there.

Then, today, and I don't know why (maybe my period starting? or maybe something I read on cbirth) I started thinking about the actual procedure - and it struck me that they used some sort of vacuum type thing - definitely no blades. I looked it up, and apparently I had a EVA (Electronic Vacuum Aspiration) done - which has a much lower rate of uterine damage than a D&C does.

So, that's an oddly huge relief. What impacts the abortion may have had on my heartfeather, I don't know - I felt enourmously at peace with it then, and I still feel at peace with it. If I end up being infertile, I doubt that I'll feel much peace with aborting the only child of my blood I would have ever had - but once again, I hope that I never have to cross that bridge.

Of course, the IUD could have done something odd too.

*sigh* It's insane, and it sucks, that almost all of the procedures/hormones/methods of NOT getting pregnant so often affect your long term ability to get pregnant when you are actually ready.

I've decided, since we are going to buy another Fertell test anyhow, I'll take the FSH test Saturday morning (CD3 according to FF - I'm totally dismissing the barely there spotting Tue/Wed), and it I fail (which oddly enough, I'm pretty sure I will - just like C did) we'll both retake them in 3 months, once we've finished our bottles of FertilityBlend.

I'm a little - relieved - and a little ashamed at the same time - that we are 'officially' in a NT/NA period right now. It gives us a little time to relax, and to reconnect. It gives me a little time to lose some bloody WEIGHT. In addition - it'll shift the end of the pregnancy more towards the cool months - as I'm really not looking forward to being 9 months pregnant in an air conditioned house in the South.

I wish I could find that article that mentioned that babes concieved during certain months have a lower IQ, overall, and how they believed that was a side effect of the higher levels of pesticides/pollution in the air in the summer months.

Hrm, I'll see if I can dig it up.

10:58

I finally STOPPED BLEEDING!!

I haven't wanted to write, as I was afraid I would jinx myself, but finally, after - 27 days, I think it was, I've. Stopped. Bleeding.

I've gotten some ass twice, too - and enjoyed it, BOTH times. I took an OPK on Monday, and as I had been working outside all day, my pee was damn near brown, but I got a NICE dark line. We had sex that morning, and then again last night, so I think I'm covered.

I've started staying away from the areas other than my 'groups' on FF. I don't WANT to read about getting EWCM and not O'ing, or OPK's lying to people - I don't want to infect my mind with that sort of worry. So.

Hopefully, I'll get my coverlines in the next day or so, and then the 2WW is on! DotM is in 16 days - I could have a BFP by then! Actually, I'll think I'll wait til AFTER DotM, so I can be sloshy and shit if I want to.

*smiles* I love this point - the cusp of potential. I think there will be more sex tomorrow, and then..... the wait begins. Oh! I need to add another blinkie to my siggie over on CPP.... there aren't enough people trying to get knocked up over there!

I'm bubbly happy. Goddess. I hope TTC doesn't turn into an insane manic/depressive cycle for me.

11:03

12:59

 

I took the cup out tonight - just a few minutes ago in fact. It's CD26.

I'm slightly scared to go to sleep - worried that I'll wake up in a pool of blood. At least, I have the waterproof (and thus blood proof, I would assume) mattress pad on the bed - so at the worst, I'll just have some sheets to wash.

I'm starting to cramp a little - I wonder if that's my ute's sigh/sign of joy at finally being free of the bloody cup.

I THINK the OPK was a little darker than it's been tonight - something else to remember - always take pictures, no matter how light the test line might be.

Seriously, I might need to get C his own camera, cuz I mean, SHEESH. The man downright bogards mine.

I'm happy. It might still be possible - this month. Oh, squee! Seriously. I'm Squeeworthy, over here.

G'night

1:05

12:38

CD12.

And. I'm. STILL. BLEEDING.

The clots are smaller and finer now - though I do still get some honkers of a clot. Still no cramps - it's really rather amazing.

I've started taking the B-complex again. I'm wondering if the vitex actually HELPED, and that my wonky ass cycle is from my body actually trying to RESET itself. Okay, I think I've gone over this before, but lemme knaw on this bone.

Anyhow. I'm starting the B-Complex again. I'm thinking - just thinking, mind you - that if this cycle is a bust, I'll add the EPO back in, and if next cycle is a bust, I'll add the Vitex back in.

But then, if the vitex was balancing things enough that it caused this wonky cycle, maybe I should add that back in first? I donnnn''''ttttt kkknoooowww.

And I still haven't talked to the Midwife. *sigh*

But - I'm about to plant stuff in my garden, and hopefully, I'm about to plant stuff in my belly too.

Anna is pregnant, and Rey is pregnant (with TWINS!) and Kristen is pregnant, and - dude - spring has sprung in a whole buncha bellies.

12:44

10:08

Cherry Clots.

I'm passing these huge cherry sized (and colored - like extra wipe cherries - shiny and so red it's black) clots.... I'm amazed by this - it's like my uterus is shedding itself it clots rather than liquid.

The thing that really amazes me is that I haven't cramped - not once - I'm passing these clots like they are liquid graceful thin and smooth.

Was it the vitex? I don't know - now I'm torn. Should I? The pure - THICKNESS of this lining is amazing me - little pieces of liver. What a wonderful place for an embryo to plant it's head/villi.

I'm on CD7 now, and - it's interesting.

I jsut wanted to note that. Cuz Dude.

And I WASN'T pregnant. And I'm not cramping - that's what's really amazing me....normally, I cramp anytime I have a really clotty period. This time - nothing. I FORGET I'm on my period on a regular basis. Okay.

Maybe I will start taking Vitex again. Hrrrrmmmmmm.....

10:20

5:14

My temp dropped this morning, and I've had an achy sense in my lower abodmen - at this point, I'm all - if I'm gonna GET my period, come the hell on already, so I can get another one started!

So, yeah. But I'm - interestingly enough, I've become more relaxed over the last few days.

C & I had a funny conversation a few night ago about getting pregnant. And I said - I'm ready, cuz well - I am. But at the same time, I'm so NOT ready. Hello? Baby? Small person that totally depends on me? Totally? TOTALLY? AHHHHHHhhhhhHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Urm. Yeah. So.

So.... *sigh* I feel so much more relaxed - so much more - whooo! Missed the bullet this time!

And really, May IS a much better month - if I concieve in May - I think that maternity leave (paid) will actually cover us til vesting, and then I can just quit, rather than fucking around with the unpaid leave - I mean really, that's just toying with IP at that point.

*grin*

So.

 

Ah!

 

I had a dream last night/this morning. About a baby, and breastfeeding. She was hanging onto a towel bar in the bathroom (http://www.cerebromente.org.br/n09/fastfacts/comportold_i.htm) and she started crying - so I whipped out a boob, and in mid cry, shoved what seemed like 80% into her mouth. She gagged for a second, then stopped crying with this - suprised/expentant look on her face, and then she started sucking. And - it felt - different. It finally clicked that usually, when there is sexual breast play going on, the nipple is the main focus - but in breastfeeding - the nipple is just PART of the whole - and the most force ISN'T on the nipple, but is on the aerola. So. Anyhow, in the dream, I had NO milk - dry as a bone, and she stopped - and the dream changed/ended/I woke up - that was it.

But I felt giddy - like thanks brain! I'm role playing motherhood in my sleep. God. Obsessed much??

And I'm EVER so much more aware of what's going on in my yoni than I've even been - and *shhh* it makes me hornier. I'm not thinking about sex persay - but I'm much more tuned in.

This - this is going to be - interesting, to say the very least.

And - I've decided that I'm going to wait until AFTER my period should have started to test before I actually test - I mean - I KNEW that I should have done that this time, but I gave in to pressure, and tested (and tested, and tested - I think I've taken 4 or 5 tests at this point) - and why? Waiting would tell me the same thing, and tell it even clearer - so why not wait?

Besides. I like the idea of just - listening. Watching. Waitng. Letting nature - and life - flow.

And speaking of flow - I swear - my uterus is slowly peeling it's insides downwards, and flushing me out right now - I feel it, and it feels right.

Okay!

So - I don't need B6 - my luteal phase is QUITE long enough, thank you very much. I'm going to keep taking the EPO (for good CM - even though I didn't see any this time around), and the Vitex - hrm. I don't know. I'll have to think about that one.

I'm also going to start working out again - Monday, in fact. I'm going to copy the final workout plan that I got from Dexter, and use that one as a long term plan.... alternating three to four days I week I think. I think that my cycles were shorter when I worked out as well - so that might do more for me than the supplements would.

*grins* Here we come MayDay - ooohweee, I need to find a spell for a girlchild.

5:41

5:46

And just - eta - because I don't know if I've ever stated this before - but deep in my heart - I think that I will throw only girls. I'll be - thrilled and suprised to give birth to a boy. I don't know WHY I think that - but - I'm just - calmy certain that my babies will be daughters.

5:47

Whoohooo!!

Baby, can I TELL you how long this week has felt?? And how HAPPY I am that not only is tomorrow FRIDAY, it's also the start of a long weekend??

Let's do general updates, shall we??

Home: Doing good - got some elephant ears from the sister of a coworker, need to find someplace to put them. I understand that they spread (which always makes me giddy anytime someone says that -all that land, I NEED spreading things!!). Haven't touched the library since last weekend, plan on finishing the wallpaper this weekend. I think C is off, so it should be a quickie.
Got my books from bookscloseouts.com (more deadly than eBay if you love books) (I got 250 worth of books for 70 bucks - including shipping) and drooled over them for a while. Forgot about the Egypt book I got (The Mind of Egypt by Jan Assman) (hush! he's a well known Egyptologist!) which is a VERY dense, very intense look into how the Egyptians actually - ticked. What made them work. Is a DELIGHTFUL read (but VERY dense) - and I realized that a good bit of my problem is that I don't know HOW to study - I've literally never had to study for ANYTHING in my life. Ever. I was always one of those chicks who just rubbed the book lightly across my forehead and got a B. *shrugs* So - how exactly is this 'studying' thing done?
Anyhow - most of the books were good soild reference books - mostly on gardening and plant identification. Can I tell you - I was - quivering with excitement over the plant identification ones - just QUIVERING! And in the back - pictures!! With proper names for various leaf shapes, petal formations, and the like. Not saying that the whole BOOK isn't full of pictures (gorgeous, full color ones) but it's nice to actually know what the heck a bipartriate leaf is rather than squinting at itty bitty pictures of a leaf on a tree and trying to guess. The indexes aren't QUITE as cross-referenced and as detailed as I would like it to be - but oh!! Rapturous joy! I think this weekend will also involve me wandering around the outside of the house with a huge book in each hand, a pen behind my ear, a notebook clenched between my teeth, and many muttered curses.

Work: Arrrrgggghhhhhhhhh. *thumps head on desk repeatedly* but.... the new building is really nice. I need one of those above the desk mirrors though, because I HATE having my back to the room. Makes me paranoid and stuff. Two more years. That's all - jsut TWO MORE YEARS.
I realize one of the reasons that this job drives me so batty is because I don't feel - natural here in the least. I mean - maybe it's the people, maybe it's me, but - I feel VERY standoffish - just in general. I totally don't feel like I can be my slightly nutty, throughly opinionated, authentic self here. And I hate the fact that I suspect it's 'spreading' into the rest of my life. I really make a DAILY effort to shake this place off the second I slide into my car to go home at night - I do this for one reason, and as long as I put in my fair 8 hours here, the rest of my life is MINE.

Weight: *shhh* I weighed myself a few days ago, and had dropped two pounds. *snorts* I'm not getting my hopes up in the LEAST though, because I expect to weigh myself Sunday (that's the official checkin day), and find out that I've gained six pounds, as my period started today. (amazement and frank talk about womanbits to follow)
The wildest thing is though (which I was kinda aware of, but JUST confirmed today) is that I can TELL the INSTANT my period starts (assuming I'm awake) because I can FEEL the mucus plug just suddenly 'let go'. It's almost like a spasm, then suddenly my whole lower abdomen just feels heavy and FULL. It really FEELS like my uterus just filled up. It's rather cool, really - and I can tell that's when I first 'start' because I actually don't start really bleeding until 4-6 hours later - that pop is just the point where the pressure of the flow overwhelms my cervix. Gah. I really need to start charting - no, we aren't trying for kids NOW - but I suspect that in about a year or so we will, and I'm vaugely suspicious about my 'ovulation' and whether my girl bits work the way they are supposed to. I'm thinking about getting one of those ferny thingys (Where did you get yours from Anna??) and testing myself when I think I've ovulated, and see how on point I am.  Calendar wise, it's usually right on (or a little LATE in my mind), and general 'moodiness' wise it's right (as I tend to get horny as a.....goat) which lasts for about 48 hours, precisely. It would be nice if that IS when I'm ovulating - makes it much easier to time things.
In other weight/preparation news, I realllllly need to get a good multivitamin. I hate pills, can't swallow them, prefer liquid or chewables (or really, having a proper diet so that I don't NEED the bloody things - but, HAH! that's not gonna happen instantly). *pouts* I no LIKEY pills. hmm... something else to add to my growing list of things that I need to do....

Um. I think that's it for now.

Ag-o-ny

All day, my back has felt like someone has taken a piece of barbed wire, shined it up reeeallllll nice, and wrapped it around my spine right above my ass.  My back hurts, my legs hurt, my ass hurts - everything hurts EXCEPT for my bloody abdomen, which is where the guilty party for this pain resides.
I really don't know what's been going on lately (TMI coming up) but my last couple of cycles have been INSANE. Normally, I start spotting one day, and then the next I'll get a few cramps, and my flow starts. It last for about 4-5 days, and then just stops. One day of cramps, one 'warning' day of spooting. Lately though - oh, no, no, no. I'll see spots, and two hours later it's Victoria Falls. I'm - uncomfortable - from day one until day four, and because I refuse to take analgesics for it (I'll explain that later)  it's just - very, very uncomfortable. And heavy. And clotty.  *sighs* I thought things were supposed to get easier AFTER the danggone IUD was taken out.

Okay - the no pain medicine thing. I learned this a while ago, and it made such sense to me, that unless the pain is REALLY bad - I mean, eyes watering, nasuea, headswimming bad (like it was today) - I won't take anything for cramps.  Most analgesics work by interfering with the production of the hormones that causes cramps (and I can't remember the right spelling - prosomethingorother) rather than just blocking your awareness of the pain. The problem when it comes to cramps is that the reason you HAVE cramps is because your uterus is trying to expel clots formed from the lining that didn't quite liquify - so it's a much, much weaker, less focused version of contractions.  So - if you take something to stop the cramps, those clots MIGHT not come out.  And - they might just kinda decay and disintergrate inside your uterus. And that just sounds really nasty to me. So I rarely, if ever, take drugs for the cramps.

Today though, my damn back hurt so bad, I popped two of those badboys about 15 minutes after getting to work and realizing that there was no way in hell I would be able to focus throughout the rest of the day. And my back STILL hurts. It's better than it was at first, but - holy shit.

Ummm........I guess that's enough whinging for now.  I'm sleepy, I have a meeting at 1, it's supposed to snow (which I refuse to believe until I see the white stuff falling) and I really just wanna go home. Bastards. When the hell am I going to hit Powerball so I don't have to deal with this anymore?

Oops. I said that was ENOUGH whinging, not to start whinging on another subject.

Dammit.

Random

I'm officially in a 'mood'. It's the combination of the craptastic weather, my severe lack of sleep, a general miasma from my financial stuff - and a wee bit of Corey-missing.

The weekend was great - we had a good time, as usual - and managed to keep our TOTAL foodcosts under 100.00 - for the both of us all weekend, which is really damn near a miracle. We need to start going out during happy hour more! We talked about the whole moving thing, and he agreed to seriously consider moving back up here when his lease expired. *does VERY happy dance* And I didn't feel the least bit manipulative or ANYTHING in the way i approached it. So, good for us. Also - the time change was this weekend, and since I live in one of the freaky states that opted OUT of daylight savings time, I now gain an hour coming home - which is lovely as it means I don't have to leave until 8 his time, and I can still get to work by 8:30 Indiana time. Wonderful, wonderful state.

Ugh - I just realized, it's PMS. I have very odd PMS. I get grumpy, rather touchy, veeerrry quiet, and ENOURMOUSLY sleepy. I'm talking I could sleep for 12-15 hours STRAIGHT, wake up for two hours, and then sleep for another eight kinda tired. And nothing I seem to do helps - vitamins, extra sleep the week before - NOTHING. And when I'm tired, I'm a bitch. Thankfully, all I have to do after work this week is bellydancing class - and I know that will make me feel better. Hm - that's a thought. I wonder if regular old exercise would help the Tireds. I might pop in the Tae-bo tape tomorrow morning and see if that helps. I've been doing the yoga for almost a week now, and I DEFINITELY feel better.

Speaking of feeling better - I've given in to the fact that once I get paid, I HAVE to go and buy some new bras. My shoulders and lower back have been creaky lately, and I'm almost postive that it's because my bras aren't supporting me right anymore - and we simply CANNOT have that. I happen to LIKE my twins - big as they are - and I really would rather NOT have to get them reduced because I let myself develop back problems. LB is having a buy 2, get 2 free sale - so I will swing through there first and see if I can fit any of them, and if I can't I will suck it up and go to a department store.

Work has been horrbily boring today. I actually went home for lunch today to waste a little more time, because I didn't pack lunch and I didn't want to buy it and I knew the kitties would be hungry. I cooked a quick lunch, loved on my babies, and still got back to work earlier than I really should have. Eh. I've spent most of the day since then collecting recipes so that I can come up with some good lunch like things. I don't like meat 'salads' so that's a usual 'lunch' kind of thing cut out. I've found some SCRUMPTIOUS sounding recipes though, and I can't wait to go shopping and start cooking up a storm.

Only 2.5 hours before I can sleep. How delightful.

A tale of two Periods

“That Girl” started this…so here is the story of MY first time….

My period story is short and simple really… nothing to exciting happened to me….

I was thirteen, living in Boston, just me and my mom. I woke up late one night to go to the bathroom, pulled down my draws, and freaked out. *laughs* I’m still not sure WHY I freaked, considering I knew quite well what was going on, but I think that I didn’t expect it to be quite so…bloody. I went and woke my mother up in tears, confessing that I was scared because I was bleeding. We went into the bathroom, she took one look, and said ‘ Girl, that is your menses’ (my mom being a nurse was a real stickler for using the right words….) I put on one of those nasty nasty pads (diapers anyone???) and went back to sleep.

I suffered through wearing those diapers for almost 3 years, until my mother lightened up one the whole ‘Muslim women have to let the blood flow OUT of them thing’ and finally got my first pack of tampons. I’m proud to say that I have managed to convert her too… though it took almost ten years to do it.

My most traumatic periodic incident wasn’t even my own. During the pre-freshman program that I went to, I lived in an all girls dorm. I had left the room with some friends, and walked back in to see my roommate showing one of her friends how to insert a tampon. Mind you to me it was rather easy – open. push – pull – you’re done. However for her and her friend it turned into a 20 minute examination and repeat insertion process…. it was one of the oddest things I had ever seen.

Normal, Indiana

Well…. One downside of going mildly crazy is you freak your loving boyfriend out. I KNOW he thinks that I am absolutely crazy as I broke down crying for no real reason last night, then hopped out of bed and slept in the living room. I don’t know… he was just rubbing me all the wrong way last night…hmm.. actually for the past few days. *shrugs* I don’t know if it is just me that is moody or if he is getting the grumps too. I know he is having some family issues…but… I don’t know. I think we will have to sit down and have a nice little talk. It’s nothing major just little stuff that I see has the potential to blow up into big stuff. He is closing tonight which usually means that he is coming over, but as I freaked out last night he will most likely go home. *sighs* Men.

I’m perfectly fine today though. Start bleeding and everything goes right back to normal. In fact, I’m in a really good mood. *shakes head* So him seeing me capering around the house tra-la-la-ing this morning freaked him out even more. I need to figure out a way to explain what is going on to him that doesn’t sound like I am trying to cover up some issue that I have… which I think that he thinks I am doing. If that made any sense.

I spent most of today going to meetings, or online trying to gather and understand information about IRA’s so that I could send my mom the information. She is getting a nice little chunk of money from her old job and she wants to invest it for a nice little retirement fund. It was actually more fun and not quite as intricate as I had expected it to be. Of course, I didn’t really get into the whole mutual funds vs. stocks vs. bonds stuff that is really the ROOT of IRA’s, but I figure I will do that on my own later. I wouldn’t feel right advising her on that…I love my mommy too much to give her bad money advice. I wrote her a veeeerryy long email about it.
Humph… she should be glad that I helped her out at all after that taunting little email she sent me this morning because ‘my’ Pacers lost the first round playoffs to ‘her’ Sixers. IT was only one line…but a single line of internet laughter can sting!! *grins* She’s a meanie anyway.

I am hooked on the Italian Cream Sodas that the coffee place by my office makes. I work inside of a partially remodeled factory (actually the last half of the building is still a factory) and there is basically a full service coffee shop right across from the area that I work in. They make the BEST cream sodas, and in such a wide variety of flavors… I could most likely get a different flavor every other day and not repeat for over a month. *sighs* And they are cheap too… at least compared to my usual coffee shop fare. *shakes head* I am such a lush… I was just thinking of how GREAT this would be with a small shot of rum or real Ameretto in it. *grins* ummmmmmmmm

I’m taking Gio to get his shots today, and I am going to drop off the film too. One of my kitty loving co-workers was kind enough to bring me a kitty carrier that I can borrow, so I don’t have to worry about the silly kitty trying to run off. He most definitely likes Cheffy more than he likes me. Ain’t that nothing?? He slept with him last night… *siiiggghhhs* I’m not even going to delve into that. Hopefully I will have pictures of the little precious by Monday.
And he figured out what the box is for. I cleaned the spots where he had poo’ed very well with some non ammonial stuff so that he wouldn’t smell it and think that was the right place to go. It seems to have worked as he has been going in the box. I think it MIGHT be a little high for him, but as he is feeling like a big boy, I will let him.

I have decided that I am for sure going to DC/Philly over Memorial Day. If I don’t get out of this city at some point I will go batty. The tickets are only 150.00 round trip (right now) and I will either hitch a ride or catch the bus to go up to Philly. Hopefully the whole trip will be no more than 500.00…. which I really shouldn’t be spending… but dammit I miss my friends!!! *sighs* I have GOT to get a cheaper apartment.

*sighs* 2:15… another hour and 15 minutes to go…. Well… off to play games.


Stay Jazzed.

Holiday Recap

Well… I’m back at work the first time this year. Blagh I say once again. Nothing really new, but I guess I need to make some newness on my own.

The holidays were…different I must say. This break was…odd somehow. I can’t really put my finger on it, but it wasn’t the usual orgasm of fun and fremily love that I am used to. Maybe it is because we are all working folx now, and so that whole air of leisure that we used to have is gone. Or maybe it was the fact that I was sick as a very very sad dog for the first three or four days I was there, and I never really recovered from losing that time. I don’t know. The time simply flew by, and before I really knew it I was packing up to come back to Indy. *shrugs*

Christmas Eve – I was on an airplane early in the day, got picked up from the airport by one of my friends, ran out and got the very last present I needed and then crashed on the couch for the rest of the day.

Christmas Day – Got off the couch only to find more tissues, pour more orange juice, and go to the bathroom. If I actually celebrated Christmas, it would have been the saddest and most depressing Christmas ever. As it was.. it simply sucked because I HATE HATE HATE being sick.

One lovely thing that DID happen over the break was that I met my cousin, one of the many frist cousins that I have, but because my uncle is such a LARGE asshole, most of his children’s mothers have fled the area. Hm. That puts them in a worse light than it should. Let me put it this way. He has *thinks* 8 kids, by five different women, each of whom married him after dating him while he was married to the previous wife. *shakes head* And now he thinks his current wife is cheating on him…I say he is getting a taste of his own medicine. Anyhow…This girl-cousin is 15, one of the children of the wife who hates him the least. They live in Florida, and she wanted to spend Christmas with her father. I met her once, *thinks* didn’t really hit it off with her, mainly because I don’t like seeing my grandmother being treated like a fetch & serve girl in her own home and J (the cousin) followed her fathers lead in how she acted towards my grandmother.

We were supposed to have a family dinner together later that week, but as usual my uncle pulled a lovely asshole of a lie from SOMEWHERE to finagle his way out of it. The dinner was still nice though, with me, my mommy, my grandmother, my great aunt, my great cousin, and her man-friend. We had a good time and a lovely dinner. It’s a shame that J never really got to see the whole family…or at least her dad’s side of it. : ) It’s funny, I don’t evny her her father, knowing what I do of him. Such an asshole…anyhow…

New Years was quieter than I had planned. Originally the plan was for a group of 6 of us to get together in a hotel suite, and drink and play games and party and so forth. It ended up being a hen party, when all the guys punked out leaving the three ladies to sit in a suite ( a much smaller suite) eat good luck food and cheesecake, drink waaayyy too much wine and champagne, get jerked out of our comfy beds twice by a fake fire alarm, and sit up & watch the major Sex in the City marathon that HBO was kind enough to provide.

Oddly enough the best part of my holiday was the few days I had at home. I missed Chef so so much.. : ) It was lovely seeing him again. We exchanged gifts and he loved the gift that I gave him…at least the second half. The first part was a store gift some lovely Hugo colonge. Ladies…if you like that fresh airy smell of your man… TRY IT OUT. *grins* Get’s my tummy tickling just thinking about it…anyhow. The second part of the gift was a kinda memory book with pictures and thoughts and collages and bits of poetry and stuff in it. He enjoyed it a lot. What did he get me you ask….. a TRIPOD. A simply lovely tall as me sturdy collaspes to a little under 2 feet long TRIPOD. Oh… this man may have my heart I tell you. Umm we spent lots of time just lingering around the house. I have money issues. I didn’t want to go out anywhere because I knew that I couldn’t afford it, even though knowing him he would have paid for it all anyhow. *sighs*

Hmm… anything else exciting going on in my life? Not really… after I finished the drugs they gave me my period FINALLY showed up…but I am going to the doctor again this week and see if they can tell me something good, as well as to get a much much more reliable form of birth control. Then I am going to my regular doctor for my initial appointment, as well as to get him to put me on some sort of weight reduction plan. It’s got to come off, and as I don’t really trust myself to do this right, healthly and on my own, I figured I would get the doc to help me out. My goal is to lose at least 100 pounds by the time I turn 25. That gives me about a year. I might not hit 100 on the nose, but if I am with 15 pounds of it I will be happy. And the scary part is…I can lose 100 pounds and not be the least bit anorexic looking. *sighs*

Well… ending on a slightly happier note… I have made it through everyone’s diary… (except for Kelly who made her diary private… What’s going on lady????) and left many a note. I hope that everyone has a happy and lovely year…better then last year and worse than next year. : )

Stay Jazzed.

Hungry Hormones

Oh thanks ya’ll for all the notes & stuff….*smiles* Sometimes I wonder if he can read my mind, ‘cuz he always manages to pull something off at JUST the right time.
*grins* I come home from my appointment last night (more on that later), not only was he there, the house was neat, it smelled good, and he had cooked me an absolutely AMAZING dinner. We ate, had lovely conversation, watched a good movie while snuggled…then there was a little spice. : ) In the process of the conversation, he commented that he thought about going home, but changed his mind when I got home. I asked him why he wanted to go home, and he gave me such a simple answer…”Because I live there” Urgh. Yeah….that makes sense.. *sighs* he WOULD have to make sense wouldn’t he? Ah well….did I mention the dozen white roses? *sighs* I just LIKE being around him… and I want more more more…but… I will give him his home time. *sighs* so now my quandry is…should I still ask for more day-light time? Or…should I just work with the fact that he rarely sees his house while he is working, and his days off are really the only time he has time to be AT home?

Okay… the appointment took WAY too freaking long (I remember why I don’t like doctors), but the news was mostly all good. I’m not pregnant (I KNEW it…) but I may have some abnormal hormones levels. Why? They have no clue, and as I saw a nurse practioner, she more or less just w anted me to wait and talk to the doctor. *laughs* I have never seen a medical professional look so baffled before in all my life. They just KNEW I was pregnant (which would neatly explain everything) but once they saw for themselves that I wasn’t….welll…bafflement. So they probed me *ugha* and poked me (getting my blood drawn isn’t fun anymore) and gave me a prescription for some drug that will induce my period (won’t THAT be fun) and sent me on my merry way.

Ummm… I’m looking forward to my weekend…I plan on being an utter Lazy Jazzy. Finalllllyyy.. I will have a Saturday where I can sleep until the sun goes BACK down. : )


Stay Jazzed.

I need more sleep

Fascinating. The world of internet personal ads.
Dream-time...drifting in a land of dreams with half seen images and memories floating through your every move.. I drift through dream-time until consciousness forces me back into the limited skull that I as human am doomed to endure.
Lately I have been feeling like I am limited in.. perception of what I can see and understand by being human. Like If I could somehow peel out of everything that I once thought I knew that I would be able to see what was wrong and what is right and somehow change my very skin so that it would fit smoothly over the lumps and bumps that I can’t even see. *sighs* I feel like I am sllloowly going crazy.
Anyway.
I have leapt into locking my hair full fledged. Over the weekend I tightened the roots, then washed it. It is much neater looking than I expected it to be, but it doesn’t have the same dense/heavy/thick feeling that it had before. Maybe it’s just too clean. But I am happy with it… *sighs*
Something is wrong with me and I can’t figure out what it is. My period is almost a month overdue, but according to *thinks* five pregnancy tests, I am not not not not not pregnant. : ( I don’t like it when my body starts to do it’s own thing. Especially after me being so regular and all. Hmmph. Made an appointment with the doctor, but the earliest I could get in was Jan 11th 01. *sighs* oh well…
Still trying to find a cheap flight to Philly for Christmas (from the Catholic Term Christ’s Mass, which was the mass that was performed near the winter solistice to lure the ‘pagans’ from the worship of their gods) break, but as I want one that is under 200.00 I think I might be out of luck. Ah well…

I’m off looking for more surveys…. Ta-ta…

Stay Jazzed.

Popping In

Out of the damn workshop/torture session I have been in all week, wanted to note down some thngs really quickly.

*Chef may actually force me to open up more than I ever have before. I'm not sure whether to be scared or happy.
* I am broke...again. Hopefully I will have a second job in a month though, and it won't be quite so bad.
* My mommy came, and left, and we had lots of fun, and I spent too much money, which is why I am broke.
* My period is almost a week late, BUT...I'm not pregnant. I am going to make an appointment with the OB/GYN next week to figure out what kind of secondary birth control will be best. I am considering getting a diaphram. However, I was really freaked out for a while there
* I want to start taking pictures again. How many times have I said that?
* I have GOT to lose some weight. Exercise calls me.


Well... That's it for now... I have been going through most of my favorites, leaving notes here and there. *sighs* Back to work...

Blood Matters (Calender)

Useful Links:
http://www.io.com/~brenda/cycles/index.html
http://www.googol.com/moon/


Timer
June 9th - June 13 2000 (5 days) Full Moon 15th - 17th
28 days
July 12 - July 17 2000 (6 days) Full Moon 14th - 16th
27 Days
August 14 - August 19th (6 days) Full Moon 14th - 16th
25 days
September 13-September 18 (6 days) Full Moon 12th - 14th
23 days
October 12 - October 18 (6 days) Full Moon 11th - 13th

December 27 - January 2 (6 days)

Hormones, Anyone?

*smiles* All I have to say is PMS is a mess & a half.

Stay Jazzed.

Danger Will Robinson Danger

Somedays I feel so totally lost. Like there is something that I should be doing, or something that I NEED to be doing, that I can’t touch or even verbalize to myself. Melancholy they call it.. I think. I sit and want to let tears roll down my face for the simple pleasure of feeling something other than the dullness of my life. I feel like there is something surrounding me that I am just too bogged down in everything else to see, but when I look to find that everything else that is holding me back I find nothing that can be pared away, that everything I have I think I need…that everything I think I need is so much less than I want to have.

Sleep is a good cure for this.. drift away into a state where nothing exists… where all that is, is a figment of my mind… where nothing can intrude.

Maybe not lost… I feel like something is missing. like there is a hole where there wasn’t one before. a wound bleeding not blood but spirit. *sighs* maybe I’m just sleepy. This doesn’t seem to be one of those holes that prodding helps heal. *sighs* maybe I’m just lonely. maybe I’m just lost from the rest of the world. Maybe I’m just…drifting. Mercy forgive me.

argh.

Stay Jazzed.