death/life/art

A rather morbid, yet interesting thought struck me, spurned by the discussion of waxing ovaries. I have interesting OLF. *laugh*

Anyhow, I went off, wondering what an ovary really looks like. And I realized, all the pictures would be bloody and - violent - somehow - not looking at the organs themselves as things of rich color and beauty, but instead as either dead or diseased things.

I would love to see Organ Art. Where there are galleries of what our insides look like - artistic and beautiful, a few steps removed from the violence that exposed them and reduced to the beauty that they are.

So, I decided that ovaries were delicate pink almonds - smooth and soft, the color of the inside of your eyelid. Occasionally bumpy - but mostly delicate fragile nubs, suspended by cords of ligament and vein in a dark, warm space.

*sigh* I wish I was a better artist. I have these - visions - in my mind, and I have no idea how to translate them to something - tangible.

Dreams into reality.... isn't that the real job of this life? Turning what we desire/aspire to into what we are....and what greater task than to live up to what we COULD be?

Hrm. Is our destiny in life to be artists? Creators of something beyond the limits of ourselves?

Gah. I'm babbling (see, new bloglove!) but... I'm glad to be getting it out.

6:48

I swear, a few minutes ago, I sat here and FELT my cervix move. I couldn't tell what it was doing - it felt like I was pushing out a clot of some sort - that slow, rich feeling? but it didn't feel - heavy and wet like a clot would.

Still being paranoid, I went into the bathroom, and wiped, and checked my CP.

My cervix is so high - it felt like a fucking cavern in there - I couldn't even reach it - using a single finger!

And the CM? Thick, creamy, only a little bit, and a whitish color - maybe with the FAINTEST hint of yellow.

Oh wow, I so think I'm pregnant. *crossesfingers*

I've been putting it off - but I realized I won't be able to test til Monday, as I won't be here Sunday morning.

And, it would be bittersweet and nice to go to E's birthday party and have it be the last party of me as a single being - and KNOW it.

*deepbreath*

And ya know, either way - if I am, or if I'm not - I'm going to WANT to party - in one case to grieve and forget, in the other case to celebrate and welcome.

*wiggle*

*sigh*

I really think that I will love being pregnant.

6:53

10:08

Cherry Clots.

I'm passing these huge cherry sized (and colored - like extra wipe cherries - shiny and so red it's black) clots.... I'm amazed by this - it's like my uterus is shedding itself it clots rather than liquid.

The thing that really amazes me is that I haven't cramped - not once - I'm passing these clots like they are liquid graceful thin and smooth.

Was it the vitex? I don't know - now I'm torn. Should I? The pure - THICKNESS of this lining is amazing me - little pieces of liver. What a wonderful place for an embryo to plant it's head/villi.

I'm on CD7 now, and - it's interesting.

I jsut wanted to note that. Cuz Dude.

And I WASN'T pregnant. And I'm not cramping - that's what's really amazing me....normally, I cramp anytime I have a really clotty period. This time - nothing. I FORGET I'm on my period on a regular basis. Okay.

Maybe I will start taking Vitex again. Hrrrrmmmmmm.....

10:20

Generally Evil

I'm generally evil today - grumpy, sour, I don't think I've given up a real smile once. Why? Argh! No real reason - besides the rock hard ball o PAIN sitting in my pelvis that I stubbornly refuse to take drugs for - did ya know that most painkillers work by blocking proglanstins which are the enzmye that causes muscles to contract? Did you know that menstrual cramps are a signs that your uterus is trying to expell something that needs to get out (like a clot?) and therefore taking pain meds most likely defeats that purpose and leaves cruddy bits of old lining in there? Gah!! It sucks, it does, but I'd rather have a clean ute. *sigh* And I KNOW that emergency tampon of yesterday didn't help none, dammit.

I'm trying to get some information for work that a dingy lady simply can't seem to comprehend. What parts of 'ALL jobs that run in XYZ system', don't you get? And is it my fault that after you TELL me all of the jobs that run in that system start with a specific code, and I include that code in the request, and when I get the list and it is NOTHING like what I wanted - is it then my fault if I attempt to ignore the bullshit you told me in the first place and ask (VERY politely too) for what the HELL I wanted in the first place? *growls* No need to get bloody SNARKY chick.

And I'm so damn confused as to my mood towards my beloved husband I don't know what to do with myself (much less with him). I understand him, and what he wants, and I thin kthe issue is that not only do I not know what I want from him, even if I did know what I wanted I don't know how to ask him (especially in the current mood I've been in) for it in a way that doesn't sound like Ms. Queen Bitch of the World has come for a visit.

And I'm not tired, but I am. And I'm not sick of work, but I am. And I'm not feeling like throwing a big ole juciy tanturn, but I reallllllly want to.

*ggggggrrrrrrooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll* 

And usually, ya know, I know exactly what I need to do for me to make me feel alllllllll better. *sigh* But I don't even know what's up with me, much less a suitable solution for the general frowncloud that's raining on me.

Amazon even sent me a notification for the rest of my books today, and that got a quick 'yay'. Just a 'yay'. Not my usual "YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

I would say I need chocolate, but that's not even it.

And I've got a FOUR pm meeting. The bastards. I suppose (as it's quarter til 1) I SHOULD go and eat lunch - but BLEH. BLEH I say BLEH.

*grump*
*growl*
*cramp*

Dammit.

7/10/01

Totally terrified alternating with joy and relief. I don’t know, and that is really the worst part. I need to grab a test, a stick something to ease my worried mind.
At the same time that I hope I’m not…if I am I will be ready. I can see myself dealing with this and living with it… even if Corey does vanish from the picture. I ask him how much he loves me, but I don’t know if he is hearing me…I want to know if he LOVES me. If I can rely on him, if he is going to be a solid force in my life that I can depend on…if through good times and bad he will be there holding me up and cushioning me from falling too hard. That is what full and true love is to me.

I’m getting…itchy. I don’t know what’s going on inside me.. in my head or in my belly. I’m thinking that I am ready…to *gasp* settle down. I wanna be…full. I have had the vision in my mind for the longest that what I am meant to be.. who I am going to be.. is a mother. That…may be my place in life. a mother and a writer and a dreamer and a creator. Of all the paths I can take in my life, those are the ones that have always stood out clearest to me…those are the ones that I KNOW that I can follow, that I can take and succeed and manage through with grace and strength and comfort.

I’m going to be done writing my book by the end of the year, baby or no. I have to become self sufficient…I’m not going to be able to live and survive in a job for very long. It’s just not me. It’s weird and kind of scary to acknowledge these things.. ME… miss. I – need – my –creature –comforts basically saying… I don’t WANT to be stuck somewhere where the money is good but it’s not fulfilling for me. I want to be doing what I want to do.. and make money from it. I can do that. I KNOW I can do that….
and I am going to.


Jasmyn.

ZOOM Zoom zoom

To put it bluntly, this is a crazy crazy world we live in. I just got a pre-approved loan for 20,000 for a new car. Can you believe it?? This is one of the great advantages of living in a credit based society… and being a member of a credit union. And the scary part is that it was so easy. I applied online, *thinks* YESTERDAY!! And today I could walk into almost any dealership, slap down my pretty letter, and say “ I want that car there”. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to drive it anywhere… but still. *sighs* Now all I have to do is figure out how to get the car to my house, and get a parking spot for it. It can sit there until I get my license. *LOL* Lord have mercy…wait till I tell my mother. *laughs*
Based on my analysis, the cars I can get my hands on for a reasonable amount of money (under 18,000 leaving myself plenty of tag, title and…hmm tax space). Hmmm okay, tax on cars is only 5%, so that would leave me with a 18,900 car payment…but none of the cars I am aiming for cost over 18,000. I have the following choices… and I think I might get a new one… *shrugs* If I can afford it and get the warranty and the comfort of knowing it’s new… I’ll do my own crying the first time I ding it. Anyhow… the cars are: (drum roll please!!!)

Honda Civic EX
Mazda Protege LX
Toyota Corolla
Volkswagen Golf GLS


Personally… I’m fighting tooth and nail against getting a Civic or a Corolla. If I SEE another one of those things on the road I’m gonna holler. Sooooo…..That leaves me with the Protégé and the Golf. As I don’t really want a hatchback, that leaves me with the Protégé, with I like anyhow. :) And I can get all the goodies that I want for under 17,000. WHOOO-hoooOO!!! I’m talking sunroof, CD player, pretty colors, cool wheels, maybe some fog lights, and a grand grand grand full coverage. *sighs* Who could ask for more? And I get to go around softly chanting “zoom zoom zoom”. And with the credit union prices, I will most liekly be only paying about 360.00 a month. Not too shabby... and with a car I can get a second job. :) zoom zoom zoom...

Ummm… nothing much else going on in my life. I am going to be leaving around 2 to go to the doctors and get checked (again) for nasty cells, as well as get a years worth (I think) of birth control pills. I am going to talk to the doctor about the whole suspending my period thing. I think that one period every three or four months would be okay. Only having one hideous PMS-y mood swing every couple of months would be lovely too.

I love my kitty. I need to take some new pictures of him cuz he is growing up so freaking FAST!! He almost looks like a cat now rather than a kitten. True, a very small cat, but a cat all the same. He doesn’t have the super sweet cute look any more. *sighs* There is one odd thing that he does though…when I am rubbing him and he reallllly get into it, not only does he do the whole kneading thing, he also likes to suck on a corner of the blanket (as I am almost ALWAYS under a blanket). It’s kinda cute, but scary at the same time… I guess it is rather like a kid sucking their thumb. *grins* I hope he doesn’t end up with bad teeth.

Stay Jazzed….

zoomzoomzoom……

Dementia

I hate hate hate hate hate these damn mood swings. They are aggravating, irritating, and make me down right MISERABLE! *sighs* I feel like I'm going crazy, and I know exactly what is wrong, ut as that helps me none it is even more frustrating. Luckily for those around me, they tend to be very much so internal (see previous feeling of inadequacy, depression and insanity), so I don’t appear to be going mad every month. But man… it is a beating on the psyche. While I KNOW that by Friday at this time I will feel just peachy freakin keen, those days between now and then seem to be an eternity. I wobble between not wanting to see Cheffy and wanting to curl up in his arms until Friday. Between quitting my job and telling my boss that this is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Between going to a club and flirting and partying my ass off or sitting in my house, closing the drapes, and cussing out every single telemarketer who dares to ring my phone. Sudden washed of rages and irritation, followed by a deep weepy feeling. I figured I was going to be just fine, considering that I went through the STRANGEST crying jag on Friday, sitting on my couch and crying so hard I gave myself a headache…and then walking the streets for almost three hours afterwards. I figured THAT was going to be the end of the emotional roller coaster. I can’t keep going through this...losing almost a week of every month to this other woman who invades me and whose moods are as changeable as clouds in the sky. After I get through this jag, I will only have one more before I go back to see my doctor. I am going to ask him then whether I can stay on the pill continuously (a constant supply of hormones) or if I can get on some other form of birth control. Dear god, if I am this bad now, after just three weeks of constant hormone adjustment, I can only imagine what the whole postpartum depression thing is gonna be like for me.

The only good thing about this is I write like a mad woman (though not ‘real’ writing) and if I can remain calm for an extended period of time I tend to talk more about what’s going on inside of me. *rolls eyes* Mercy but that sounded SO psychobabblish. Hm. This is a good state to work on my homework in then…*shakes head* I can’t wait to go home. Though I have to stop at the grocery store first and see if I can find something to use for Gio’s catbox until I can get to the pet store.

*sighs*

Stay Jazzed.

Yeah yeah yeah.....

*shakes head* It’s amazing how time flies. I got ONE… only ONE room of my house cleaned (the living room) and barely that. The kitchen is still partially a wreck (the dishes are clean, the floor is not) and we aren’t even going to TALK about my bedroom….though just a good vacuum might solve all of that. We are also not going to talk my hair. *sigh* Gio is a crazy kitten… and getting a lot more used to me. I guess the poor dear was just a little gun shy to start off. :) humph. We are having a BIT of a litter problem though… I have the litter box in the hall closet (on a mat) and he will go ON the mat… but not in the box… odd yes?? I think I might need to change the litter to something less good smelling *shrugs* I’ll ask the vet when I go though. Speaking of which… as I realized that flea collars are icky things, and as I’m pretty sure the baby has fleas, we are going to the vet tomorrow… for a bit of a check-up, some shots, and some flea prevention stuff. *nods* I just have to figure out how to carry him there as I have no pet carrier. Any suggestions fellow kitty lovers??

I am going to work on my school work tonight, and that’s it. And play with the kitten… who is without a doubt a he cat. As he decided to let me play with him yesterday, and we were doing the classic ‘cat on it’s back attacking the monster hand’ I had a good look at his underparts, and they are without a doubt boy underparts. :) I have never had a boy kitty before…mainly because none of my kittys ever got spayed/neutered, and my mother wasn’t trying to have a male cat squirting everywhere…. Yeech!! This baby for SURE will be getting his bits snipped.

I took loads of pictures of the little dear last night. It wasn’t till I finished the roll that I realized I was shooting with B&W film, so they should come out pretty interesting. I am going to drop them off to get them developed tomorrow (as I forgot to bring them with me today) and get them placed on a disk too so that I can post pictures of the little angel as soon as possible. He rather enjoyed getting his picture taken…or at least chasing after the auto focus light on my camera…silly cat.

Um. Hm. I am having hormonal issues. I feel soooo inadequate for like anything. Of course, this feeling comes and goes like a breeze, but it is still rather irritating. I think the cause of my headache might be the birth control pills that I am on…as this is the only ‘new’ thing in my life right now. I have never taken this kind before, so my body is adjusting to it… and as I am on the ‘green’ pills now… maybe the sudden change from daily hormones to no daily hormones caused the headache. I don’t know. I will see what happens next month. If the same thing happens, I am getting OFF of these suckers. Being curled up in pain for a day every month is just outrageous. Hm. I would prefer to get an IUD, but the doctor wouldn’t give me one…*rolls eyes*. Maybe now since me & Cheffy have been together for nine (can you believe it??) months that might be an option. Ugh. Moody me SUCKS. And I’m tense. Blagh. I need a nap. Blagh. And it’s not even 10 yet… *siiiiggggghhhhhhhssss* blagh.


Stay Jazzed

All's Well....

Thank you everybody for the good wishes at the doctors…it went WONDERFUL. According to the doctor, there are 4 levels of severity for ‘abnormal cells’ with the lowest being 1 and the highest being 4. He said that my little patch of oddities was a ½. :) Not even a one. Ain’t that just lovely??? And we went over the whole birth control thing real quick… but as I was on the damn things for five years beforehand, there was very little that we touched on. :) I have to go back in about two months to get some pills and get a check-up PAP. Hopefully then everything will be clear and happy little cells. If that ‘odd’ patch is still there, he is gonna *shiver* FREEZE my cervix and hope that normal ones grow back. Is that or is that not the freakiest thing you have ever heard?? *shudders* I hope they go away on their own. I get old easy enough… I really don’t want any cold stuff in MY stuff….

Work has been pretty good today…keeping me busy and on the run. Transitioning to this new role shouldn’t leave me much time TO be bored. Like a said, the woman I’m learning from is really high strung, but god knows that makes for an interesting time. :) It’s kinda funny me dashing after her, as I am a notoriously slow walker and she…isn’t. :) But it’s actually kinda cool as I am LEARNING…praise the heavens.
I miss my Cheffy. *laughs* He actually went HOME last night, and thus I completely missed out on him. Though I thought I heard him come in last night… *sighs* but it was just dreamy me. I got plenty of sleep for once, as I went to sleep around 8:30pm. *sighs* It was wonderful…I actually woke up with my alarm clock at 6, and STILL went back to sleep… even though I didn’t really need to. I got out of bed at my usual hour of 7am…but I haven’t been sleepy ONCE today, even though I ate a sandwich and chips and soda for lunch. It’s kinda sad how much of a difference a little sleep makes.

Well… it’s taken me all day to write this one really short entry, and I would write more but I refuse to miss my bus and end up stuck here until 6. That just ain’t happening today.

Stay Jazzed….

:( ):

Cheerful Cheerful. That’s kinda me today. I haven’t been sleepy much (which is a blessing) and I am kinda…upbeat. It’s rather lovely. I’m sure it is a side effect of the fact that I know that I have a short day today, as I am out of here at 2:00 pm so that I can go to the doctors. *sighs* Finally, I get to ask them what is wrong with me… if anything. I never got any information back about the biopsy…so I am still assuming nothing is wrong. *shrugs* Cheffy keeps asking me when I am going back to the doctors…I wonder if he has an ulterior motive though. :)
*sighs* Blagh…I’m bored today though. The little bit that I had to do I got done in about 20 minutes, and as far as the ‘training’ for the new duties that I am supposed to be taking on is going… *sighs* That is just going slow. The woman who is supposed to be training me (the same one I think is pregnant) is so…high strung that it’s kinda amusing. And then she has a very…curt tone the more high strung she feels, and so she tends to be really snippy at people, even though I’m sure that she doesn’t mean to be. *shrugs* I chalk it up to her not being American… :)
Not many people wrote in the OD today…though quite a few of the people who did were folx that I hadn’t read in a while… so that was nice. But… I wanna read more.
Blagh.
Don’t really WANT to write. Just trying to do something to waste time.

Consider it wasted.
I wish I was wasted. *giggles* or at least sleep.

Stay Jazzed.

Cuz I'm a LION... yeah!

Oh… this love-hate cycle with me and my job is just ridiculous. One week I’m in looovvveee…. Busy, productive and everything, and the next week I’m pulling out my heart and just impatient to get the HELL outta here. Regretfully… this is a clearly hate week. Or maybe I’m just too damn tired to feel like it is anything other than a hate week. I have been sleeping like the DEAD for the past few days…I’m talking about out like a LIGHT. I get home, manage to stay awake for a few hours, and then by 8ish I’m out… and I don’t wake back up until around 6:00…or 5:30. I don’t know what’s going on…maybe I’m about to get my period. Yeah right….

I’m being a major punk in putting off calling my doctor to see what the results of my biopsy were. I look at it this way: If he called me to tell me that I had a UTI… he would for sure as hell call me and tell me that I had cancer or HPV right?? But on the same token, if I ‘don’t’ have either one of those things, why am I being a punk and not calling him? I have no clue… just my gut level cowardice showing it self. I’m almost over my cold, down to blowing my nose a mere 12 times a day rather than the unbelievable previous high of 53. And I am done taking the antibiotics for the above mentioned UTI. So… I guess all in all, I’m getting better. Huh.

I’m vaguely sticking my nose into writing again. C.W. wrote a long series of diary entries about the writing process, and even though she made it sound about as fun and getting your teeth pulled without the benefit of novocaine, it sparked me (again). So… I have been poking around in various sites, and I have pulled out my synopsis’ of the book(s) I would like to write, and I am trying to figure out if I will be able to break through this miasma of exhaustion and actually get something done. I bought a book off of ebay that might help….speaking of which…

I’m hooked on ebay. In the past few or so days I have won at least 4 auctions, and I am consistently browsing it, hunting for more goodies. Really.. it’s sad, though I did manage to get a perfectly lovely bra. I hope it fits better than the demons of wire and cloth I have been wearing. I am spending money that I really DON’T need to be spending. Because of the extra money I had, and the fact that I paid low on my bills this month, I have enough money.. but still… I have a lot of time to go before I get paid again. Well.. only two weeks, but I am going to Atlanta during that time, and who KNOWS what kind of trouble I will get into while I’m there. I really do miss that city.

Cheffy actually has a day off during the weekend. He has Saturday off, and I am considering spending it at his house. Even though his house is no where near as comfortable as mine, still… it’s just the thought. I have decided not to give him money for his furniture. Why? Mainly because, well… I just don’t see him making an effort on his own to get it. I know that a lot of people don’t work with their money the way I do, but I know when I want something that costs more than I have at one time. I put money away slowly but surely. I conserve and try to trim the extras if I am really in a rush to get it. He has been interested in/trying to get this furniture since November at the latest, and possibly before then. He hasn’t put it on lay-away, hasn’t started saving or making payments on it of any type, but he would like me to pony up half the money. Urgh. Nope… not gonna happen, at least not until I see him making more of an effort to get it. I am not going to start another bad habit with him when it comes to money. The whole food thing is bad enough, I’m not going to start up with anything else.

My mom keeping asking me if he is ‘The One’, and each time she asks me I honestly have to tell her that I ain’t sure. As we approach the 9 month mark, I will be able to tell better. Around nine months is the time that most of my other relationships start to crumble, so if we pass that mark smoothly, then that will be a sign to me. If not, I KNOW that I have enjoyed every minute of this relationship, and it was well worth taking the time to try him out. But…. Deep deep deeeeeep in my heart, I am hoping that he is “that one”. It would be so lovely…

I think I will go off and find some more surveys. Contrary to everything that Desert Rein says… I am NOT addicted. I just like to do them when I’m really bored. I have an odd hope that somehow it will reveal the inner essence of me. Yeah… anyway.

Stay Jazzed.

Thems the Peaks

The only time I really appreciate my mood swings are when they catapult me into the realm of amazing feel-good-ishness. It’s vaguely like being high.. be totally of my own creation. *smiles* Feeling totally at peace, like my mind and my body have forgiven each other totally. I don’t hurt.. my hands, feet, ankles or stuff. I am….so gone to be completely sober, and it kinda makes me sad because I know that this wonderful wonderful feeling won’t last for long.. and mercy help me but I’m at work which means I can’t get too much pleasure out of it ANYWAY. *smiles* Ah well.. I get to be trippy for a little while at least.

Me & Chef went out to a Japanese place last night (ummm..suuushi!!!!) and had enormous amounts of fun. : ) I wasn’t sure how much of a mood to go out I was gonna be in, but after a nice 2 hour nap I was raring to go. We had sake…and MAN! That stuff packs a serious punch. It tastes rather like white wine, but boy oh boy. To be stuff an itty bitty lil bit, that stuff hits you hard and fades rather nicely. So of course we were quite the two giggles boxes. : ) Maybe my joy right now is a residual from that gigglemania.

Umm… I’m nervous. I’m going to get my furniture tonight, and if they don’t have it *sighs* I am gonna be so so so grumpy. But I might find something else instead. *crosses fingers hopefully* I have a lot more money left (after paying bills) than I thought I would, which is a side effect of paying the minimums this month instead of the hundred or so dollars extra that I usually pay every month. So, I’m pretty sure that I will be able to find SOMETHING that I can live with. *sighs*
I’m remarkably bored today. I actually HAD something to do, but then messing around with installing a new GUI broke the connection that I had to part of the system that I needed to test, so basically I’m screwed. Now I’m sitting here reading old Salon articles…getting upset and exulted in turn. Hm. My new issue of Ms. should be coming soon. I can’t wait.

Stay Jazzed.

P.S. My stuff don’t hurt no more…. : )

All the women..who independent....

Addendum to Ouchy Stuff:
Oh yeah. I forgot to mention the fact that AFTER he poked me and prodded me and put yucky stuff in me… he told me that I can’t have sex for two weeks. TWO freaking weeks!! ONE…TWO. ARGH!!!! *sighs* Anyway…

I’m SUCH the independent woman and stuff. I put together my entire entertainment center yesterday, alll by myself. Though I did screw upa little bit with the middle shelf piece, I managed to correct that error in a way that no-one will ever notice unless I tell them. The TV on the other hand, is acting reallly reallly flaky. The sound and picture keep fading in & out, so I don’t know if the tube is screwed up or what. *sighs* Anyhow… I have made an appointment for the service people to come out and take a look at it… but they can’t get there until the 24th. *sighs* so I am stuck with a itty bitty TV in a great big entertainment center. But hot DAMN that entertainment center looks good. *grins* Hopefully when they come out they can fix it and I can watch “No Way Out” on the big screen. : )

My grandmommy sent me a Valentine’s Day gift… a cute card and a pair of lovely silver earrings. My mommy is sending me a hundred dollars gift certificate to Pier One. : ) My family loves me… and they know me SO well. But this weekend (as I get paid tommorow) I’m going to VC and order my furniture. : ) Happy Happy Joy Joy. I would go tommorow night, but I don’t know what we are going to be doing for the date night thingy. *sighs* I spoil him soo badly. I’m hunting for Strawberry Cake recipes cuz he wants one for his birthday. *sighs* He is gonna be a big ole BRAT. Just you watch.

I’m in a good mood. Cheerful & Joyful and such. Even though my stuff stil hurts. *sighs* But I get to go home in another 20 minutes…so I can’t be but SO grumpy.

Stay Jazzed.

Ouchy Stuff and Random Stuff

Warning: This is going to be quite graphically gynecological. That’s all

My stuff hurts. *Laughs* That is what I have been thinking since yesterday after that damn examination. It was kinda cool though. I got a good & up close look at my cervix as the doctor angled the TV screen so that I could see what was going on too. Very pretty actually. *laughs* The only painful part was when he went up inside my cervix and a little into my uterus to get a sample. He said it could cramp a little. Dear god…if that was a little I am SUCH a wuss. It’s amazing how rabid my uterus is about foreign objects. Anyhow… I have two ‘odd’ spots on my cervix, and he took a biopsy of both of them so that they can be tested and figure out what’s going on. After he was done he put some insta-scab stuff on my cervix…and I think that is what is making my stuff hurt. I am very sensitive to anything inside of me…from sperm (when I was on the pill, I would HAVE to douche after sex or I would itch for the next two days) to nonoxyl-9 (I can’t let that stuff get anywhere NEAR me). *sighs* but…from the reading I have done it is most likely one of three things. 1) It’s just some odd cells, nothing much to worry about and they will go away on their own. 2) It’s some form of HPV, and considering that it is the #1 STD in the US, and 80% of sexually active people have been exposed to it… I wouldn’t be too surprised. If it is, hopefully it is the low risk kind, the kind that doesn’t lead to cervical cancer. 3) It’s cervical cancer. That might flip me out a little. Okay. Yeah. That would flip me out a lot. My auntie dies of colon cancer, and well… yeah. Cancer freaks me. Hm. I don’t know…I’m not really worried because at this point there is nothing I can do about it. The worst part will be telling Chef about what is going on. *sighs* Even though, it is starting to freak me out that I still haven’t gotten my period (naturally) and that my NP is so calm about it. To me the combination of these two things is reallllly creepy. *sighs* I don’t like it. Not at all, not at all, not at all. : (

End of Graphic stuff… for now

I re-discovered one of my old favorites today, and I’m quite thrilled. It tends to freak me out when people just vanish…not because they might be dead or something but because I just don’t know what’s going on. I don’t like suspense… Anyhow… I figured that she had just decided to withdraw from all the interesting OD stuff that was somehow connected to her, and didn’t really sweat it. It was good reading up on her again though… it’s interesting how she expresses some of the oddities that I feel sometimes in my life.

I brought an issue of Mademoiselle almost two weeks ago because they had an article in there about the ‘Quarter Life Crisis’, as in the state that mid-twenties women get into because they feel like they should have everything going for them, and even if they do they still feel somehow dissatisfied. Mind you, I still have not read any more of the article than the first few paragraphs (which I read while in the grocery store) and it is hiding somewhere in my living room. *rolls eyes* Somehow I feel very… *thinks* psychobabbly reading it because it seems like EVERYTHING has been turned into a ‘syndrome’ or something…but I am curious.
When I got home yesterday afternoon my entire apartment smells like *thinks* a huge box of LemonHeads. *laughs* The carpet was nice and fluffy clean though, so I am excited. When I get home today I should have a BA TV and my entertainment center in the living room. I didn’t move the bookshelves last night like I was supposed to…mainly because I was cramping like all get out and was just too tired in general to even move. So…I’ll have to do that today before I set up the center. *sighs* Wayyyy too many damn books, and I really just don’t feel like moving them. I knew I should have had them set up in the office when I moved there in the first place. Ah well… I’ll do it. I wonder if Chef will be there in time for him to help me move them. I’m so damn impatient I most likely won’t wait for him. *sighs* I don’t know.

Well… I have a lunch date today… even though I’m not really hungry I will go out and eat. *gag*

Stay Jazzed.

Weekend WrapUp

Well… I had a good weekend. Bartending wasn’t too bad, and I made almost a hundred bucks in tips… so even though I was there for almost 9 hours… I can’t really complain. I figured something out Sat. though…I could make some really cool friends tending bar. : ) Folx my age.. who can’t be THAT prudish if they like to drink or serve drinks… it might be interesting.

I dyed my hair before I went to go tend… I figured if I screwed up I would be able to pick something up to conceal the horror before I had to go to work. Wellll….. I have purple hair. *sighs* My hair is really really really freaking picky about the colors/tones that it will accept…and clearly reds & purples are it’s favorites. But… At least I know now that I can dye my locks with no worries. None of them are hard and crunchy (as I have heard people saying their locks get after a good dye job) and in fact it still feels just as soft and fuzzy as before. *sighs* but it’s DARK!!! I dyed it *thinks* Cinnamon Red…and it looks more like I dyed it black (finally) with super vibrant rich purple undertones. Really….my hair is burgundy.

*sighs* So… I am going to wait for a month, then try to set up an appointment with this natural hair salon so that they can bleach my hair. I want it lighter, but I am scared about doing it at home. Unlike Rein… I can see me ending up with hair that is just WAYYYY too blonde. *sighs* Golden Brown. With slight reddish undertones. That’s what I was shooting for…not … *sighs* PURPLE!
I’m going out on a date at some point this week. : ) I realllllly wanna go and get some sushi. *smacks lips* ummm WASABI…. *smacks lips some more* I love the fact that he has gotten promoted, because now he is working the day shift which means *gasps* we can actually spend some evenings together without one or the other of us being tired as hell. Hm. Maybe we will go dutch.

My carpet is getting cleaned today, my BiggAss TV and entertainment center is coming tomorrow, and I am going to go and order my furniture Friday night. Hm… if he doesn’t have to work late maybe we can get Indian instead. : ) *grins* I can’t wait… finally my apartment is going to come all together (or at least the living room/dining room) part of it. Talk about excited! I have been spending money left and right… and it is FUN FUN FUN I tell you. *sighs* Soon it will be back to the times of simple living though.

I am trying to figure out whether to give Chef some money to help him get HIS furniture. *sighs* I don’t know. I would be giving it to him because he wants it, not because I want to give it to him. And therein lies the dilemma. Should a gift be given solely because you know that the recipient will enjoy it.. or because you will enjoy giving it and the recipient will enjoy getting it? *shrugs* I don’t know… I have until the 17th to figure it out. *sighs* I already have the rest of his stuff. A T-shirt… a big ass wrestling poster that it took me since Christmas to find (gotta LOVE e-bay), some more cologne–y stuff…and I might get him a gift certificate to this comic book store that is downtown. Hm.
Maybe that will be my valentiney gift. I’m not much of a valentine chick…I hold the firm belief that it is a corporate ploy for people to spend ridiculous amounts of money and have ridiculously high expectations that warp emotions. *snorts* I don’t like it. Usually just give a card so that if the other person is all wrapped up in it… it isn’t like I just didn’t get ANYTHING at all.
Urgh. I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon for the coloscopy thing. *shudders* I think I shall hop on over to Yahoo! Health and see if I can get a good description of the process. Yeech yecch yeccccccchh. I’m not worried…really… I’m not.

Stay Jazzed.

Problemmmsss... nothing but problems...

This is mostly going to be me bitching about heatlh and other generally un-Jazzy things. Consider thyself warned.

I go to the doctors tomorrow. Both of them (my GYN and my PCP). For my sake, I hope he (both dudes…yeech) turns up something in the blood work or the tests that explains what the hell is wrong with me. I think I know, and if it is the case *crosses fingers* (who WISHES to be diagnosed with a life-long illness??) I will be so relived and happy. I have not been my usual self (health wise) since I have been here (in Indy). I have been sick three times, and I never ever get sick. I am so so tired, which makes no sense considering I am getting more sleep, and more rest in general than ever. I can’t remember shit, and I HURT. I feel like a big ole menstrual cramp has taken over my entire body. There are spots of me that ache that I didn’t know COULD hurt. Like the bottom of my feet, or my wrists, or the backs of my thighs. And mercy KNOWS I’m not exercising enough to get muscle aches like this. I get flash headaches that make me dizzy they hurt so much, but only last about 2 minutes and no matter how much water I drink and how much lotion I slather on, my skin still looks like who did what and why after about 2 hours. I’ve gained almost 40 pounds in the last 4 months, but I haven’t had shit for an appetite. Oh…and I am getting MOLES. They just pop up out of no where. Got two on my face, about three or four on my hands, and god knows how many more in other places. My eyes are dry and arrrrghhhhhhhhhhh…. *deep breath* In other words, physically, I feel like S-H-I-T.

For so one who generally has been healthy as a horse, this is driving my crazy. After the Period Fiasco of the past couple of months, I went online and poked around to see what could be wrong with me. Sometimes I think that the amount of knowledge available at your fingertips on the web is really really scary. After running through my symptoms and stuff, I think I might be hypothyroidic. It would explain a hell of a lot…why I’m always tired, always cold, gaining weight, and most, if not all of the other stuff I was bitching about being wrong with me, including getting sick easier. Anyhow… the downside to it is that if so, I would have to take a hormone replacement (yeech) for the rest of my natural given life… but the upside is that I might feel like a real human being again. If not… *sighs* I’m going to feel like the biggest hypochondriac there is. I think I have always had mild hypochondriac tendencies, but…usually they are just pregnancy paranoia.

*sighs* Okay… I had to get all that out. Physically I still feel like shit, but at least I feel a little better mentally. I have no problem going to the doctor, but I Have issues about talking about being sick. I think that is one part of the whole “Strong Black Woman” thing I have absorbed, that you should never be sick, never be ill, never really feel physical pain, or if you do feel it, don’t show it. And when the pain and aches is so minor but so utterly overwhelming at the same time, it really sucks because I feel like it could be ‘all in my head’. I don’t know. Well….

Stay Jazzed.

White and Green Stuff

UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It’s snowing. Forgive me, I mean it snowed. Lots and lots and lots of white fluffy CRAP everywhere. It’s cold and sharp and melt and leaves really icky little icy water puddles EVERYWHERE. And it doesn’t even have the decency to form itself into half decent snow-balls. *sighs* Anyhow…Anything interesting going on in my life? Not really… I’m winding down to the last week of work this year, and I am still on the mental hunt for gifts. Really don’t know what I am going to get Chef…but I will figure something out. From the things he has suggested, he apperently thinks that I am made of money…or he is just tripping in general. Hmm… it’s an interesting thing about me…I am willing to give when not asked, but the more I am asked the less likely I am to give. *shrugs* Side effect of my contrary nature I suppose.
Anyhow….there are some big major disgusting christmas sales going on in the convention center and at the state fair grounds, so I will be going there after work today and getting some cheap cool stuff for gifts. *sighs* I really can’t wait for this day to be over… I am sooo ofreaking tired, and it is only 11:20… I got here la te as all get out to because I overslept…apperently this drug I am on makes all my normal PMS symptoms go over board. I usually get a little more fatigured the week before my period, but this…I slept like the dead…the very very very dead.

Ah. Don’t have much to say… actually have some work to do that I am trying my dammedest to drag out. Ah welll….maybe I’ll write a bit more later….

Hungry Hormones

Oh thanks ya’ll for all the notes & stuff….*smiles* Sometimes I wonder if he can read my mind, ‘cuz he always manages to pull something off at JUST the right time.
*grins* I come home from my appointment last night (more on that later), not only was he there, the house was neat, it smelled good, and he had cooked me an absolutely AMAZING dinner. We ate, had lovely conversation, watched a good movie while snuggled…then there was a little spice. : ) In the process of the conversation, he commented that he thought about going home, but changed his mind when I got home. I asked him why he wanted to go home, and he gave me such a simple answer…”Because I live there” Urgh. Yeah….that makes sense.. *sighs* he WOULD have to make sense wouldn’t he? Ah well….did I mention the dozen white roses? *sighs* I just LIKE being around him… and I want more more more…but… I will give him his home time. *sighs* so now my quandry is…should I still ask for more day-light time? Or…should I just work with the fact that he rarely sees his house while he is working, and his days off are really the only time he has time to be AT home?

Okay… the appointment took WAY too freaking long (I remember why I don’t like doctors), but the news was mostly all good. I’m not pregnant (I KNEW it…) but I may have some abnormal hormones levels. Why? They have no clue, and as I saw a nurse practioner, she more or less just w anted me to wait and talk to the doctor. *laughs* I have never seen a medical professional look so baffled before in all my life. They just KNEW I was pregnant (which would neatly explain everything) but once they saw for themselves that I wasn’t….welll…bafflement. So they probed me *ugha* and poked me (getting my blood drawn isn’t fun anymore) and gave me a prescription for some drug that will induce my period (won’t THAT be fun) and sent me on my merry way.

Ummm… I’m looking forward to my weekend…I plan on being an utter Lazy Jazzy. Finalllllyyy.. I will have a Saturday where I can sleep until the sun goes BACK down. : )


Stay Jazzed.

I need more sleep

Fascinating. The world of internet personal ads.
Dream-time...drifting in a land of dreams with half seen images and memories floating through your every move.. I drift through dream-time until consciousness forces me back into the limited skull that I as human am doomed to endure.
Lately I have been feeling like I am limited in.. perception of what I can see and understand by being human. Like If I could somehow peel out of everything that I once thought I knew that I would be able to see what was wrong and what is right and somehow change my very skin so that it would fit smoothly over the lumps and bumps that I can’t even see. *sighs* I feel like I am sllloowly going crazy.
Anyway.
I have leapt into locking my hair full fledged. Over the weekend I tightened the roots, then washed it. It is much neater looking than I expected it to be, but it doesn’t have the same dense/heavy/thick feeling that it had before. Maybe it’s just too clean. But I am happy with it… *sighs*
Something is wrong with me and I can’t figure out what it is. My period is almost a month overdue, but according to *thinks* five pregnancy tests, I am not not not not not pregnant. : ( I don’t like it when my body starts to do it’s own thing. Especially after me being so regular and all. Hmmph. Made an appointment with the doctor, but the earliest I could get in was Jan 11th 01. *sighs* oh well…
Still trying to find a cheap flight to Philly for Christmas (from the Catholic Term Christ’s Mass, which was the mass that was performed near the winter solistice to lure the ‘pagans’ from the worship of their gods) break, but as I want one that is under 200.00 I think I might be out of luck. Ah well…

I’m off looking for more surveys…. Ta-ta…

Stay Jazzed.

Blood Matters (Calender)

Useful Links:
http://www.io.com/~brenda/cycles/index.html
http://www.googol.com/moon/


Timer
June 9th - June 13 2000 (5 days) Full Moon 15th - 17th
28 days
July 12 - July 17 2000 (6 days) Full Moon 14th - 16th
27 Days
August 14 - August 19th (6 days) Full Moon 14th - 16th
25 days
September 13-September 18 (6 days) Full Moon 12th - 14th
23 days
October 12 - October 18 (6 days) Full Moon 11th - 13th

December 27 - January 2 (6 days)