7/10/01

Totally terrified alternating with joy and relief. I don’t know, and that is really the worst part. I need to grab a test, a stick something to ease my worried mind.
At the same time that I hope I’m not…if I am I will be ready. I can see myself dealing with this and living with it… even if Corey does vanish from the picture. I ask him how much he loves me, but I don’t know if he is hearing me…I want to know if he LOVES me. If I can rely on him, if he is going to be a solid force in my life that I can depend on…if through good times and bad he will be there holding me up and cushioning me from falling too hard. That is what full and true love is to me.

I’m getting…itchy. I don’t know what’s going on inside me.. in my head or in my belly. I’m thinking that I am ready…to *gasp* settle down. I wanna be…full. I have had the vision in my mind for the longest that what I am meant to be.. who I am going to be.. is a mother. That…may be my place in life. a mother and a writer and a dreamer and a creator. Of all the paths I can take in my life, those are the ones that have always stood out clearest to me…those are the ones that I KNOW that I can follow, that I can take and succeed and manage through with grace and strength and comfort.

I’m going to be done writing my book by the end of the year, baby or no. I have to become self sufficient…I’m not going to be able to live and survive in a job for very long. It’s just not me. It’s weird and kind of scary to acknowledge these things.. ME… miss. I – need – my –creature –comforts basically saying… I don’t WANT to be stuck somewhere where the money is good but it’s not fulfilling for me. I want to be doing what I want to do.. and make money from it. I can do that. I KNOW I can do that….
and I am going to.


Jasmyn.