Odd....

This will be my 3rd year going to Daughters, and for some reason this year - I'm totally not into it. I'm not excited, I'm not hyped up like I usually am - I'm - I don't know. I don't know if it's a withdrawal type thing, I don't know if I no longer really feel connected (I don't remember what the last rit I went to was - Imbolc, maybe?) because of my ingrained avoidance of drama and.... I dunno. I'm bleh, about it overall. It's not going to stop me from going - but I don't feel my usual pre-festival high.

Had Realm Class last night - it was just me & MD, which was cool - she told loads of stories - I really like interacting with her. Class was also cut short, because of the severe weather we had blowing through - and because students were so light on the ground.

I've decided to only give myself ONE set of homework every two weeks, instead of two. :) So, this blocks homework will be the letters to myself, my body, and my money.

Speaking of money, C got a job! We are going to act like he doesn't have one though, and funnel all of his checks into paying off the CC's that we've run up. We should be able to knock those out of the water in 5-6 months, easily, and then - well, we'll come to that bridge when we get to it.

I've been thinking about how to look at my job differently, to make it more fun. I doubt that I will ever leap out of bed in the morning, just raring to get here (but I could be wrong), but I do think that I need to do SOMETHING to - heighten my vibrations about this place. I don't know.

One of the things (linked to Realm) that I'm trying to do is that I'm trying to release the - belief/filter that my coworkers don't like me/barely tolerate me/are out to get me. That, I think will be one big - block - for me to overcome in 'assimilating' better.
The other - *sigh* - I don't know. I think that once I stop thinking they hate me, I'll be more comfortable in being a little more aggressive with things.

I just laid out my 'schedule' for this summer, and sheesh!! If I do everything that I would WANT to do, only one weekend in April is booked, every weekend in May is booked, two weekends in June are booked, and a full week is booked in July.

*sigh* I know that I can't/won't/don't want to be running like that. So. I think that I'll limit myself to just local festivals this year. So, no RitFest, no PUF. *sigh* I was sicker than a dog at PUF last year, and RitFest was too fucking hot the year before, so I don't mind sitting those two out. Esp. since PUF is right before Care's baby shower - pffhht!

That'll also help me take fewer days off - I'm not sure how many I have left.

That's better. One weekend in April, two in May, one in June, and vacation in July. *nod* That's MUCH more reasonable.

I think that's about it, for right now. :)

River

I wrote this in class yesterday, and I wanted to remember it, and hold onto it, and possibly tattoo it on my ass.

The River is infinite - containing all the possibilities of what might be. I cannot reroute or control the river, but I damn sure can paddle my own boat.

I'm sure some one else has said it better. But it makes sense to me.

And another quote I'd like to hold onto...

Getting want I want does NOT equal having money.

Drr, and how obvious is that, but seriously.

I'm considering making myself a charm bracelet to remind me of these sort of things. The river would be a little oar. The money would be..... hrmm - maybe an infinity symbol - because that reminds me of the possibilities that are out there, without tying it to money. I want a simple silver link bracelet, and then I could make the charms out of Fimo........hrrrm. I'll have to think about it.

Change is internal....

and everlasting.

So. 2nd Realm - well, it's been beating me about the head (and heart) lately. Tomorrow is Day 365, and that's been beating up on me a bit, too. Plus, I'm coming to learn that I've been beating up and muzzling myself for years, and dude - that hurts. Plus - I can't stay at this job - baby or no baby, restaurant or no restaurant - doing this unauthentic work is killing me.

So. A couple of things that I plan on doing, and I plan on keeping track here, as well as in my Realm journal for the things that catch my mind when I'm not quite here.

There are three main areas that I want to work on.....

Physical
Financial
Authentic Self

I plan on doing a Treasure Map this year, and I know that I will include all of those things - that's going to be my long term - process. Here is a quick blurb & Q&A about them, written by Tracy Cook - I'm C&P'ing it here, because the website requires a login.

What is a treasure map, exactly?

A treasure map is a collage made of photos, magazines pictures, words, pieces of things that make sense to you...whatever you want and you put them on a foam core board or just cardboard or just something strong that can handle the collage. Put put them all together so you can look at it. It will be a MAP of what you want for the coming year.

What do you mean by, "what do I want for the coming year?"

Exactly what it says. Do you want a new house, a new living room, better health, stronger marriage, reconnect with people, a bigger family, a bigger community? Do you want to write your book? Do you want a new car? What is it you want? Do you even know what you want? If you are like many of us, you are so busy running around, taking care of everyone else that you might not have a fig of an idea what you want for your new year. That is the beauty of this process. You must sit down and figure it out. Give yourself this time to do it. Be just that selfish, and dare to dream.

Why do we do it in the Spring and not January?

Treasure Maps are made during the Aries new moon. Treasure Maps are made during the Aries new moon. Aries new moon change from year to year and this year, it will take place on April 5 8:54 pm PDT.
They are made on Aries New moon, because that is the first sign of the Zodiac. Aries is when you plant your seeds. It is the real beginning of the New Year. It should not be confused with the first day of Spring, which is usually on March 19 or March 20. New moon means the sun and moon are in the same degree. For those who don't know much about astrology (which is totally okay) Aries is the sign of SIGHT. That's why it's so important to have pictures of what you want. You need to visualize it. Or if you don't do photos/pictures, use printed words. It is merely important for you to see them.

I'm going to be busy on April 5. Can I start it before the 5th?

NO.

Do I have to buy a bunch of magazines? I'm broke, can I just borrow some old ones?

Personally, when I started my treasure maps I always did them with fresh new magazines. And in the old days, (not married, no children) I spent a lot of dough on them--only because I wanted lots of choices. But with time, I ended up only getting a few magazines. I never borrowed other magazines from friends. However, I know people who did it in previous years and I think they were happy with their results. It's your call.

What if I don't want magazine photos, can I just use my own pictures.. like my husband, my baby etc?

Sure. I usually color Xerox them so that I would not wreck my originals.

You can also paint what you want. Again, it is your call.

Is there any pattern i have to use when i put the photos or the words on my board?

No. You can do it any way you want.

I will say that in previous years my friends and I used to use the feng shui baguas for my pattern. Basically, I would break up the board into 9 areas.

123
456
789

1-Abundance
2-Fame/Reputation
3-Relationship
4-Family
5-Health
6-Creativity
7-Self knowledge (and travel)
8-Work
9-Helpful people and angels.

If you use the feng shui baguas, you will naturally cover all most all areas of your life, as you can see it is all represented there.

How much time do I have to build my map?

Ideally, you should build your map during the new phase of Aries New Moon, which ends Wednesday April 9 2:22am PDT

Do I have to do it alone or can I do it with friends?

You can do it either way. I build mine with my two other friends. We are like sisters and it felt so right to do it with them. We started them together. I know that there are several people who have little parties where they invite those close to them over. It's a lot of fun to do them with others. We would all pass around the magazines: "hey, I found a great beach bungalow does anyone need a beach vacation?" Or, "I have got to lose 10 pounds, any ideas what I should put on my map?" and lo and behold! Someone will come up with a good suggestion.

Do I have to finish it all at one sitting?

No. Often I used to cut my stuff out with my friends. Maybe glue a little thing here or there and then take it home and finish it there over the course of a day or two.

Can my kids do it with me?

Yes! it is great for them to focus and think about what they want. They also might give you their thoughts about what they think you should have in your life. Helps them to think beyond themselves, right?

Does it work?

Yep.

I don't want to sound like a spoilsport, but I’m just not interested in building a collage. Can I do something else?

Sure. You can take a nice piece of orange paper and write something like, "Wishes during Treasure Map Time". My wishes can sometimes feel like prayers and they are much more broad in my desires. But I will say this, I felt like I needed to switch to 'less is more' after several years of mapping. I would encourage newcomers to make the actual maps. But if you really don't feel the call, then just write your desires down. I like orange paper. So vibrant. So Aries.

Is it okay to have things continue over to the next year? Long-term, ongoing stuff that has progressed but needs to continue to progress?

Yes. Of course. But with a small caveat. My sense after doing these for years is that, when something really takes time, and doesn't gel in the first year, there may be something not yet right, or personally constructive, about that desire. It may or may not be something you are aware of. For example, one friend shifted from her map from year one to year two by focusing on less material things. That kind of energy is really constructive. The most important thing for you to do is to always reach your gut and seriously ask yourself what it is you really want. You may find that you need need to shift something about your long-range goals. My sense is that they need a wee bit refining or broadening. Just a thought. But definitely don't give up on your dream.

I'm really excited! Is there anything I can do now before Treasure Map to help my map?

Yes, yes, and yes. I have said this in previous years and I'll remind everyone now. The period just before the Treasure Map is called the Balsamic Phase, which is the end of the moon's phase. This is the phase when we get rid of stuff. Get rid of clutter. Get rid of things that are bugging us. Get rid of ick. Try if you can to clear some space in your life so you can be ready for the treasure map. Remember, Einstein said, "no two things can occupy the same space." Read that sentence several times. Now ask yourself, do I have space in my house, my family, my time, my life in general for more? If the answer is 'no", then start housecleaning!

Clear out the stuff between now and the 5th. Now do you understand why it is important not to start your map before the new time?

By the way, I personally don't buy any of my supplies before the New starts. But I know some of you can't do that, so if you must, buy before. Put it aside and don't touch it until the New. Don't thumb through magazines. Leave it all be.

Good luck and dream big!

Short(er) term, I'm going to be writing letters to my three 'selves' - a Dear Body letter, a Dear Money letter, and a Dear Me letter.

Funny, it just hit me that one of my defining moments was a critique/destruction of a Dear Me letter I wrote when I was 13. I think that Me has been cowering under the chair in hiding ever since. Poor Me.

Anyhow. I want to be able to examine how I interact - and think, really, about each of those things - where I want them to be, and why, and what I am willing (and am NOT willing) to do to get there. I would like to run this in parallel with Second Realm, but a little faster, so I'm going to be giving myself 'homework' at some point, every Thursday.

Homework 1 is those letters to myself - due 04/02/2008
Homework 2 will be my Treasure Map - due 04/09/2008

So, that covers the next two Thursdays - I'll figure out my going forward work from there.


I'm also going to be reading The Highly Sensitive Person. After having read just a few of the blurbs on her site, I'm convinced that not only AM I a HSP, I also need to understand how that affects me in order to REALLY move forward on anything in a deep down, major way.

Getting and Being

That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You To Seek was a really, really good book. I'm still thinking about little bits and pieces of it, two days later.

One of the things that they talked about was the difference between GETTING angry and BEING angry.

It that, there is nothing wrong with getting angry - anger is an emotion, just as valid and valuable as love. However, being that anger - holding in inside of you and letting it rule your choices and your thoughts - that's the problematic point. They suggested once you are angry, looking past your anger and identifying the actual root emotion. Anger, really, is a shield of some sort - and without looking past the shield, you'll never just be able to get angry, and let it go.

It's really challenging for me, because first I have to identify the feeling that I'm having AS anger. I'm so used to repressing anger (because I'm zen, you see, and things simply roll off of my back), that when I really am angry - I'm either a firey inferno, or I'm crying - or I'm denying what I'm feeling is anger at all.

Poetgirl commented that once the year mark hits, things start to get really hard, emotionally. I was thinking today (as I was putting in my CP/CM notes) that I'm really tired. I want to run away and hide from this, because emotionally, it's stressing me. It's straining me, and it feels all so hopeless, sometimes. I've promised myself that I will not change anything that I'm doing until after the RE appt - then we might have to reconsider things. More for me, than for him, as I don't even know/think it matters, to him.

Speaking of the RE, their receptionist is smart enough to check with the insurance company BEFORE you come in, and she let me know that our visit will be 361.00 out of pocket. Which, is more than we should be spending (I need to figure out which credit card to put that on), but it's the last medical thing that we'll be doing, except for maybe another SA - so I figure it's worth getting the information. He want's Dr. R to send over my scans from the HSG, so I need to call their office and have them do that today, too.

I don't think I'm angry, though. I don't think what I'm feeling is anger. Disappointment? Sadness? Frustration? Anger? See. Maybe there is, just a little anger in there. I don't know. I regularly examine/talk to myself to see if I'm blaming myself for this - don't think that the thought has gone through my mind several times that I might have killed the only child I was ever going to be able to have. The fact that I got pregnant around the same age as my mom, who only had me, despite YEARS of trying for siblings - horrifies me on a regular basis, but I try to not hold onto it. It slides through, and I marvel at the fact that I would be mother to a seven year old, and then it fades away. But, oh, it's always there.

I don't know. I really just want to let the whole thing go, at least for a little while.

And then - C still doesn't have a job. It's going on - almost three months now? He's still looking, hard, and we are still okay- though we are dipping into the savings, and I'm seriously considering majorly dipping into the savings, paying off the IRS and Sears and the Home Depot store card, and - moving on from there.
But then, we are also kicking around the idea of opening a restuarant. We have picked out a location, and we've put together ideas & a menu. Now, we are going to start working on the business plan, and trying to find financing. With the market as it is now, I'm seriously doubting that we'll....... well. Just as I started writing that sentence, I got an alert that my horoscope for today had just hit my inbox.

Dear Kiya,
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, March 19:
Gather your resources and figure out how best to use them for the upcoming
months or so. It's a great day for making plans -- even for several years from
now! Your good energy is perfect for the task.

*blink* Well. Fine, then. I'll do that. I don't know how 'good' my energy is (ahh, that's another thing - not breaking things up into good/bad, but just seeing them as they are. So, my energy is - focused, I think. My energy is ready for a change, and it's in a very Fuck All Ya'll kinda mood, which means my normal reluctance towards change might not be in such a high gear).......

I'll be vested on Friday.

Work has been - well, it's been a bit better. I had my performance review (no raise for me this year, no suprise there!), and - I think some things were laid on the table. I think there will be some shakeups - and well, change is - change. Hopefully, for the better. I'm busier (minutely, and it's more me making myself feel like it actually MATTERs - attitude shift, one could say), but I realized that I've been, more or less, doing the same damn thing for the last 8 years. I don't know - I think I might be ready for a change. I can't believe it's been 3 years already.

But, with the restaurant, my main - inital thoughts for a change (going into consulting) simply wouldn't be an option, as I would need to be at the restaurant after leaving my 'day job'.

And then, there's always in the back of my mind the thought that maybe it's a blessing that we haven't concieved yet, maybe there is a reason. Maybe the worlds really about to go all to shit, and we're being spared the stress of caring for a babe. Maybe we are meant to adopt, instead. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

I don't know. All I know is that..... I am. Right now, that's all I'm certain of, and heaven knows, sometimes I wonder if it's all just a dream.

I think my next book will be my birthday gift from my momma, though.

pivots

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I have to do my 5 pivotal people, next.

Ummi, Amin, C, James, and Me.

Amazing, how all my pivotal people somehow deal with love. Mother love, father love, spouse love, general love, and self love.

If I had to sum up - - really - it would be all about love, and fear.

My mother loves me, but she fears for me - it's the way of motherhood - no matter how certain she is of me, she'll always hold a kernal of fear with my name on it in her heart. And she's shared that fear with me - that fear that life will somehow hurt me - it was her first lesson, and it was shared out of love. "Always be aware of your surrounding" - that was her constant litany to me as a child - watch/wait/listen/lurk/protect your back.

Amin loved me, but I ended up constantly fearing him. I feared displeasing him, I feared disappointing him, I feared him uprooting us again, I feared him leaving us - and I feared him coming home. Thinking about him generally leaves me with the unsettled, sweaty palms and pits feeling that I get that equals fear.

C loves me, and I loved him deeper than I've ever dreamed I could ever love someone - and that brings its own forms of fear - he can build me higher than anyone ever could, and he could destroy me in a way no-one else can - and I have made the choice to willingly open my heart, myself, my life to him - all for the unyielding force of love - how terrifying is THAT?

James - ah. So many kinds of love tangled up in him. He taught me to let go of love. He helped me see just the barest glimpse of what a mother's love is actually all about. He taught me to fear promises though, and to fear friendship. He broke my heart, in a way it had never been broken before - and when I repaired it, I included shards of fear - of doubt - of mistrust - things he taught me, and things I needed to know.

And then, there's me. I fear my own brilliance. I fear my own lack of inspiration. I fear my potential because I believe it can overwhelm me and take me to places that I might not mind being, but that I haven't yet chosen to go. And I love me, with a level of acceptance and certainty that I've never accepted or extended to anyone else. It's me & myself, forever from birth to death, and that intimacy - despite it's blind spots and failures - has shown me what unconditional love really is.

*sigh* Well, at least I'm not weepy, anymore.

fragile

So many things have me feeling fragile, lately.



Second Realm is chipping at my boundaries, and I like it about as much as I'm terrified of it. This book (Self Matters) is rather - pointed in it's utter disregard for holy cows or boundaries of any sort. I'll have to start devoting more time to the homework - my usual habits of procrastination are serving me poorly, to be honest.



TTC'ing is - going. It's taken on it's own sort of rhythm now, I think - a sort of ebb and flow of anticipation, hope, and depression. My own personal rollercoaster ride.



We've officially been refered to a fertility specialist - our appt with him will be right in the middle of our 'official' TTC for a year cycle - how ironic, eh?



So far, I've checked out clear - C, on the other hand, had 'low volume'. We haven't been able to pin down if they were complaining about the sample size, or if they are directly refering to the swimmers. We'll find out in a month or so, I suppose.



The seasons are changing too - warmth coming back (the crocuses have sprouted! - I promise to take a picture of them draped in ice), and - I don't know.



There's a sad sort of sweetness draped over everything - a semi-consious awareness of the fragility of EVERYTHING - and it's not - usual for me. My heart is tender and exposed and while it's quite delightful, it's most disquieting at the same time.



I've been spurting bits and pieces of creativity in the form of an official hairblog (thanks for going down, LHC - otherwise, I might have never left the nest), and I'm - I'm looking forward to starting to write. I can't even say starting to write again, because I don't think I ever really wholeheartedly STARTED.

*sigh*

So - life is well. It's good. I'm looking forward to it getting better.

spasms

I mentioned to a friend this morning that lately, I seem to skip the righteous indignation bit of things, and go directly to pissed off and/or depressed about things that would usually get me in a high dander.

I don't know if it's the simple fact that no-one can be pissed off all the time - well, no, someone could be pissed off all the time, but that someone wouldn't be me, or if it's just the overwhelming amount of things that go on that piss me off - I can't handle the overload, anymore.

So, I withdraw. I read, and don't note. I bite my tongue. I wear my iPod at work, and consiously ignore the conversations. I don't read the paper, and I don't watch the news, and I keep my circle of friends very, very, very, small, because I don't WANT to deal with the random insanity of - everything.

It's rather - I don't know. I've always acknowledged the fact that I am a hermit, but I'm starting to take it further than just social interactions.....I'm letting go of things that really don't matter - esp. opinions and beliefs.

As I've been telling people lately - three or four people, including DH - I really don't CARE what you do - I'm not invested in it, as I would have been a few weeks/months ago, because you know what? My righteous indignation isn't going to change your mind - and you'll still live your life, as you want, with or without my input. So why bother?

It's - it's not cynical, really. It's realistic. I'm still changing my mindset around control, and management, and battles worth fighting. I'm learning that I don't have to work to get people to understand me, if THEY don't want to. I'm backing away from brickwalls, and learning the wisdom of a nod.

It's much less frustrating. It's much - easier, on me, emotionally. I'm still learning (still! and here I thought I had it down!) to not take things personally.

But then, I wonder if I'm taking the lazy path out. Is a desire to not have to fight - hell, the craving to not WANT to fight, not NEED to fight, lazy? Is my abandoning of the path of the crusader and changemaker a sign of an inner weakness, or one of inner strength?

Or, maybe, it's just a shift in attitude. I'm willing to teach, but not to fight. I'm willing to share, but not to convince. I'm willing to explore, but not to trailblaze.

I don't know. It might be fear. It might be a warning that I need to conserve that engry - that - vim & vigor for a bigger fight. It might be pure laziness.

I finally got the Dr. Phil book (Self Matters) for 2nd Realm yesterday, and I want to work a chapter or so a night, until I'm caught up (I think we are up to Chapter 5, now).

I really don't like Dr. Phil - he's smarmy, thinks he has the answer for everyone, and has a really irritating voice, but, I've heard very good things about the self-exploration this book lends to, and so, I'm willing to try. Heck, the biography trick has been an interesting trip so far - and useful.

It's interesting - I feel - clearer, somehow. I feel like - heh, I feel more authentic, and it's been stirring before I even opened the pages of the book - I just didn't have a very good name for it.
Hrm. I think I'm done.

lifelines

I have to write a biography for 2nd realm, and it's been - interesting, and mildy depressing and suprisingly enlightening. We have to write it in 3rd person (to distance ourselves from the subject matter) and - it's slightly less heartbreaking.
It's not that I had a BAD childhood - it was just - sad. At least the bits that I can remember - there isn't much joy there. But isn't that how memories go so often? The minor wounds stay with you forever, but the minor joys that go along with them are lost in the mists.
It's one thing that I like about journaling - the fact that most often here, I'm sharing - and saving - the tiny joys in my life - the things that happen on a daily basis that make me smile, and that make me think. I don't need any help remembering the upsets - those, my brain will hold onto of itself.
So far, I'm only up to 15/16, and I totally skipped the years between 13 and 15 - ever had a book that you LOVED, but had a horrible, sad, miserable episode in the middle that while it ADDED to the book, you only needed to read it once, and the next time you read the book, you skip over that section because you know what happened? Yeah, that's about how I feel about 13, 14, 15.
I fell asleep last night trying to remember as much as I could about those years - the actual details, and not the details masked by the miasma of depression, puberty, and abuse the way they have hidden in the back of my head. It was interesting, the things I remembered that I had forgotten - esp. how many of my 'dream' homes (as in the homes I dream about) are actually bits and pieces of places I've lived in before that I've forgotten.
I still haven't worked up the gumption to write about it - I think a large glass(es) of wine might be required to numb me enough to really write about it. I also haven't continued past highschool - I KNOW I can't until I fill in that gap. *sigh* I might have to write it as fiction, that might be easier.
I'm also - oddly enough - considering sending it to my mother when I'm done. I realized that I really don't know much about my personal history - we don't talk about the past much - and I assume in her mind as well, the joys from those years have faded into the background, and the bitter regrets might be all thats left.
Last night also, as I was falling asleep, Sade's 'Someone Already Broke My Heart' came on.....which is one of her songs that I've been humming and singing for a while - TheBoy and I were making jokes about how all of Sade's songs are DEPRESSING, and that particular song was my example.
I realized though, last night, as I was thinking about my dark years, that it could be a song of hope - someones already broken my heart, and I know that pain, and I lived through it that time, so I'll be able to live through it again.
Then, I wandered into the thought that everytime a heart gets broken, it gets bigger. You can't mend something, without adding a little something extra, even if it's just glue. And that something extra makes your heart bigger, stronger, upgraded, ready to handle the next thing.
I don't want to focus on the fact that my hearts been broken - that's in the past. I want to focus on the fact that I've healed. Even if it's not fully healed, I've started healing. I've taken things I valued, and I've mended my heart. No, it's not the pretty, simple, smooth heart of a child anymore, but then, ain't no other part of me still childlike, why should my heart be any different?
And in the fact that I've healed - I've proven I can heal. I've proven that no matter how horrible the heartbreak, I might want to die, but it won't kill me. I know that if my heart is broken, I'll mend, and I'll move on, and I'll grow.
In turn, that means I don't have to fear heartbreak. It'll hurt, yeah, but I'll be okay, really. And without fear, I can go further - I can push down at least one of the bricks in the walls that segment me, knowing that I don't NEED it. My hearts not some fragile, unproven thing. She's (we've) been through some pretty rough spots, and we are all the more for it. And the next rough spot - though I might want to die in the midst of it - it'll make me more, just as the joyful spots that seem to fade away have made me more, as well.

I want to include two poems in my biography as well.....I think they fit the - interesting - times I've lived in. I kinda wanna rework both of them - the first one is almost 9 years old, and the second one is 8? 7? something like that - and while I still like them, they don't catch me the way I want/need them to.

And yeah, dragon stories are still bubbling away on my back brain burner. 9000 words? I can bang that out in a day, but a GOOD 9000 words? *sigh*
I think I'll start writing, again.