pivots

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I have to do my 5 pivotal people, next.

Ummi, Amin, C, James, and Me.

Amazing, how all my pivotal people somehow deal with love. Mother love, father love, spouse love, general love, and self love.

If I had to sum up - - really - it would be all about love, and fear.

My mother loves me, but she fears for me - it's the way of motherhood - no matter how certain she is of me, she'll always hold a kernal of fear with my name on it in her heart. And she's shared that fear with me - that fear that life will somehow hurt me - it was her first lesson, and it was shared out of love. "Always be aware of your surrounding" - that was her constant litany to me as a child - watch/wait/listen/lurk/protect your back.

Amin loved me, but I ended up constantly fearing him. I feared displeasing him, I feared disappointing him, I feared him uprooting us again, I feared him leaving us - and I feared him coming home. Thinking about him generally leaves me with the unsettled, sweaty palms and pits feeling that I get that equals fear.

C loves me, and I loved him deeper than I've ever dreamed I could ever love someone - and that brings its own forms of fear - he can build me higher than anyone ever could, and he could destroy me in a way no-one else can - and I have made the choice to willingly open my heart, myself, my life to him - all for the unyielding force of love - how terrifying is THAT?

James - ah. So many kinds of love tangled up in him. He taught me to let go of love. He helped me see just the barest glimpse of what a mother's love is actually all about. He taught me to fear promises though, and to fear friendship. He broke my heart, in a way it had never been broken before - and when I repaired it, I included shards of fear - of doubt - of mistrust - things he taught me, and things I needed to know.

And then, there's me. I fear my own brilliance. I fear my own lack of inspiration. I fear my potential because I believe it can overwhelm me and take me to places that I might not mind being, but that I haven't yet chosen to go. And I love me, with a level of acceptance and certainty that I've never accepted or extended to anyone else. It's me & myself, forever from birth to death, and that intimacy - despite it's blind spots and failures - has shown me what unconditional love really is.

*sigh* Well, at least I'm not weepy, anymore.