unHappy Aniversary!!

It's March 4th, 2008. Exactly this time, a year ago, I was slipping in my Diva, hoping to not see a period again for at least 24 months.

Yeah, not so much.

It's been a year, officially, and it's fucking with me much more than I expected it would. It's odd - the first six months were a drag, the second six months were a blur, and this, the 13th month - well, it's - interesting.

I'm lugging around this impending sense of doom - March 24th is when we go to the fertility specialist and get (finally) a detailed explanation as far as C's S/A results. If there are utterly miserable - I don't know. Realistically, it will be the last step as far as 'assisted' techniques. None of the insurance offered here covers ART of any kind - I suspect we'll have to pay out of pocket for the HSG, which is two grand that we can ill afford. And - from the little bit of reading I've done so far, it seems like when there are female issues - well, they can offer drugs and timing and triggers and etc, etc.... but when there are male issues, they slingshot you directly into IUI/IVF - which we cannot, in any way shape or form, afford.

It's rather - ironic - we waited (I held off) for so long so that I (we) could afford to be the parents that I wanted us to be. And now, here we are here, able & ready to be the parents that we hope to be, and might not be able to bloody afford to get pregnant.
Ain't THAT a blip?

If that is the results of our appt (the 24th), then. Well, I don't know. I've been biding my time at work, thinking/hoping that I would be pregnant soon, and would be able to implement my exit strategy. If that doesn't happen - I think I'll more agressively pursue a consulting opportunity - it'll be a quick way to stack up money - and then I'll move right into - hell, my first thought was midwifery school - but I don't know if I want to be a midwife - more importantly, if the chance of being a mother drops down to something silly like 5% - I don't know if my heart could handle being around birth - I think I would get very angry, very quickly.

That leaves writing. *gulp* I did say, a while back, that maybe if I canna concieve a child, at least I can birth a novel. I don't know. I'm - I'm delaying anything, everything, including my emotions.

And C has been really tender with me lately - I swear, I think he thinks I'm pregnant. Its something about the way he touches me - and how amazing and wonderful it would be if I was.
I think that's why I write so little about it except for brief interludes - I'm all 'energy-aware', and I'm afraid that if I focus/mull on the 'oh my gods, we'll never get knocked up!' side of things, that's exactly what I'll attract to myself. And while, yeah, at 6DPO (or 15DPO, depending on who you ask), it is as it is - it's my own personal juju.

Speaking of personal jujus - I stopped wearing the Gaia necklace. The back of my neck has broken out (we aren't even going to TALK about the skin eruptions going on all over my body - I feel hideous! Gods bless detoxing), and my chain was irritating it. So, I took it off - and I switched the pendant before I put the chain back on. Now, I'm wearing the mother of pearl and carnelian dangle I got from FOS - I haven't looked up the energy of these stones yet, but it feels REALLY good to wear, so I'm happy with that.

Ah, yes, also - the elimination is going well. I still slip occasionally (popcorn, ice cream & hoagies are my downfall) but in general, it's going well. I've lost ten pounds (without even trying), and as I mentioned before, my skin is - oh my gods, I've got more breakouts, hives, bruises, dark spots - it's seriously rather disgusting, all of the GOOP that is coming out of me. If I'm definitely not pregnant this cycle (testing in 10 days), I'm going to HAVE to do a cleanse to get this over with, like NOW. I'm sure it would be nicer if I did it gradually, but seriously, I can't take it - and I scar easily - I'll come through this looking like I had chicken pox, or something!

Work is - well, work. I'm supposed to be on a new path, and making new efforts, and I'm really 'Yeah, whatever' about the whole thing - but, I know that if I wanna keep the job, I really do need to focus more.

C still hasn't found a job - there are a two places that are stringing him along - but I have hope at least one of them will come through. He's starting to do some of the online stuff I had considered doing once I was at home, to bring in a little more money. I'm also scared (all the fear and uncertainty I have in me!) that we can't afford to live on one salary. *deep breath*

It's a time of waiting and uncertainty, generally - leading up to a huge change, one way or another.

Should be interesting.