conflicting.

I know that money can't make you happy - but lately it seems like all of my UNhappiness is directly due to a low level of the aforementioned green stuff.
The restaurant (no surprise here) is trying to screw C out of a week and a half of pay. *lays head on desk* and it's so fucking frustrating that we even have to care.
And it's not that I feel like we shouldn't HAVE to worry about money - I mean - that's just a part of life for 90% of us, right? It's just that - I'm soo tired of it. I really wish I didn't have to care.
And then I'm just so farking emotional ANYHOW - this has been a very rough PMS period.
And I really want our spur of the moment honeymoon to go well, and we were really relying on this last check of his to be sure that everything was covered, and the thing that makes it even worse is that if Da fucks this up - it isn't like I/we can even DO anything. It sucks. and it's tiring.

And really - I don't want/need to be rich. I just - *sigh* I just want to live the life that I want.....and we're too unstable and too broke to do it.
Unless of course, we do the whole dropping out and claiming bankruptcy thing - which wouldn't help in the long term.

I'm going to be 28 in 3 weeks, and - I"m not nearly where I wanted to be now, and I look back to see what I could have done different - and in truth, I don't think I would have done ANYTHING different - because doing anything different too early would have made me miss out on C - and without him, I wouldn't be here anyway.

*sigh*
*sigh*
I should have a hunkof cheese on my desk to go with this whine - cuz I KNOW I'm whining, and I know that I've got no room to whine, but I'm so damn dissapointed over this whole thing in ways that I'm so tired and sad about mulling over that - it's just sad.

I'm such a brat. Maybe that's just it - what I'm reaching for -what I want - is something that I'm simply not going to have - and I'm utterly terrified by the thought that I might have to switch my whole dream of what I ultimately want out of my life around simply because we can't afford it. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry. And as I get older, and it seems to be more and more likely that hey -we're not going to become independantly wealthy anytime soon, and we've only got a one in a million chance of wininng the lottery, and we've got too much debt to pay it off on my check (within the next couple of years or so) and his carrer is so fucking unstable and isn't likely to change anytime soon and I'm scared that I'm traveling down my mothers path but he's so much better and I know that isn't true....*deep breath* and it all swirls around in my head and I finally settle and realize that maybe I've been deluding myself all along in thinking that I wouldn't have to take the path that almost every other woman of my generation (and half the women of my mothers generation) had to take. We can't afford for me not to work. And using the past as a predictor of the future - we won't be able to afford me not working for a while.
And even if C did find a job, and it looked like we would beableto afford me not working - how can I trust that he won't just be summarily dismissed like he was this time?

yes, I worry too much - but this is what I've wanted to do my whole life - hell, since I was 13.  I've known that all I really want is to be a mother - a fully involved, cookie baking, breadstfeeding, fertile and loving as fuck, STAY AT HOME, mother.  That's been my dream for so long - and everything I've done since graduating has been in effort to get there - and here I am - 6 years later - and further away from being able to do that than I was then. And I'm terrified that if we wait too much longer, we are going to need help to have kids,andshit - we canbarely afford one the regular way - any issues would basically mean that we won't have kids of our own and - *deepbreath* that would really suck.

And I feel so fucking ungrateful for even VOICING this - I've got a roof over my head, a car to drive in, shoes on my feet, a lovely job - and I'm still miserable that I can't get what I really want.

And I haven't been able to tell C this, because - good lord, what's better than unfairly losing your job, besides your wife crying all over you because her hopes of you being able to support her (if need be) have gone up in smoke (again?).
And I try to be nice when he talks about the future, and all these wonderful, wonderful plans he has, and I try so hard to be supportive, but deep in my heart all I can see is a future where he gets to stay home and I have to work - because one of us has to watch the kids since we can't afford daycare - and what he could make wouldn't be enough to cover daycare - and i've already got the stable job. And once again - here I am whining about something that isn't even a problem for me yet and is a problem for plenty of other people who are dealing with it...and I'm still quite selfishly miserable.

*shrugs*

And I think what makes me so bloody sad about it - is I HONESTLY don't know what to do to change it. Okay - that's not quite true. I know what I need to do to change it - but guess what? I don't even have the capital to launch what might save us - save my dream.

*thumps head on desk*

I just want to go home, and go to sleep. That's all.