So - most of the day has gone by. C. is back - sleep on the couch again. I'm still here though - buzzed on rum, playing with my tongue ring, wondering if we are still on the right path. I can't doubt it though, simply because I'm so happy. I love him...without even the least hint of a shadow of a doubt. He IS my love.
Sometimes I wonder how I defined love without him. The looks he has on his face - the fact that I can truly understand him - even when I don't agree. I think sometimes that is a huge part of what is pushing me towards reproduction. I want to see what he & me are together, truly - together without a hope of never being together.
That's rather scary actually...I suppose that if I think of OUR children being that - an irrevocable expression of the best of the two of us - I am myself (hopefully) the best of my mother and father. What would I have been if my father had shaped me (actively) as much as my mother had? I'm granting him the option of having shaped me passively - shaped me by the very fact of not being there...but what sort of woman would I be if my father WAS there - shaping me by the effect of his personality??
Hm. Well - any way - I love him. Sleepy, snoring, sex-fiend and all - I love him. *gigglees* Truly - like a journal of old - I do love him. And with a mature, level-headed look at it all - I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life.
Heaven! on earth. That's what marriage is. And because it's on earth it's not all perfection. Sometimes in blissful, sometimes it's painful - but it's always heaven. The - simple certainty of him BEING there - sometimes that's all that I need. :)
I should tell him these things - rather than telling ya'll. I should be able to express these things without the influence of alcohol - but at no other time am I so honest - with others or with myself.
*smile* I LOVE him. Like I would love a child of my flesh. Like I did love a child of my flesh. *sigh* I would be less than I am - every day, all day - without him. The best sort of support is the one that you don't even realize you have.
I love you baby - today and everyday. *kisses* As cheesey as it is - you DO complete me.
In a slightly less disgustingly gooey vein of thinking (and WHY is my font so small??) I doubt that we will go to see LOR:ROTK tomorrow. Somehow, the likelihood of ME awaking before noon (I won't even try to blame it on C.) is low to nil. And as C. knows how much of a bitch I am when I am awakened early - yeah, just Joe's. Heh. We came to an agreement - Joe's crab shack it shall be. Yum! Crabs & butter - Atkins heaven.
And yes - I would give up LOR:ROTK in order for him to see the RR on time. Okay - beyond anything ELSE I've said - that shit is scary. I'm not sure which is more scary - the fact that I'm willing to give up what I would like for him, or the fact that I myself actually wanna see RR in some ways. :) yeah - I guess I'm not as bougie as Papi makes me out to be.
*googoo eyes* He's my baby. Mercy - that clears up in so many ways why babies break up relationships... the man goes from being the 'baby' to being the 'daddy' - what a huge leap in perception!
Yes - I do want to be a mother. *sigh* I dream it, I crave it - the challenges, the responsibilties - I just don't want to have to work for a living while I do it. *laughs* C. asked me earlier today if I would follow him where-ever his career led him. I told him I would - as long as I could either have a job that paid as well as my current one does, or he paid my bills. *sigh* That's all I ask - either pay me for being a dedicated mother, or let me free myself from the requirements of debt before I become a mother. Hm. Either or....I'd excell at both. I'd honestly be weepily, hopelessly, utterly traumatized if I had to leave my little one - I'd DO it - but oh! how unhappy I would be. I'd have to cosleep - just to heal MYSELF of the wounds from being away from my little one throughout the day.
Yeah - even love is limited by money. Cursed gold.
Or maybe I'm just deluding myself, and I'll be one of those mother who can drop the kid, and move on with my life without a hiccup at all.
Nah....I'm cold - but heaven knows little people melt every once of ice in me. *sigh*
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