Long term thoughts (or worrywarts)

Ohbloodyhell. Nothing can truly be planned, it can merely be sketched out. So - this is my 'plan'.

I get a new job paying more, work, pay off bills, save, then quit/go back to school/have a kid. Not definitely in that order.

*sigh*

I really need to talk to C. But - I have to figure out a way to talk to him that - that isn't as blunt as what I'm really thinking. *sigh* It's not that I expect to be able to live in the lap of luxury without lifting a finger to help.  It's not that I feel like I should  be supported. It's more that I don't feel like - like he will ever be stable enough for me to be able to rely on him FOR support. And *sigh* yes, yes I know - we're still both - relatively - young. And yes, I know that culinary is a - rocky field to look for stability in. But - dammit - I don't LIKE knowing that I'm carrying 90% of the load. And I don't like feeling like it's all on me to look into the future realistically and determine how I'm going to be sure that we have enough to live on - esp. considering that my career goals aren't ones that will bring in shiteloads of cash. It's not a proper partnership - and it's not that I don't appreciate his help - when he can - but *sigh* it's the long-term implications that worry me.

And I do know it's just a matter of time - patience so to speak. But - in the four years that we've been together, he's had....9 different jobs. None have lasted for more than a year - and he's been fired from all of them. And yes, there always seems to be some sort of  conflict between him & his supervisors that seems unfair - but I'm of course, only getting one side of the story. And listening to how he tells others of his experiences - and how - subtly twisted they are from what he's telling me - I wonder how much he's twisted the original circumstances to tell me the tale of what happened. And yes, I know that we all tend to view stuff in ways that aren't totally accurate....but if he isn't telling me the whole truth, is he telling himself the whole truth? And if he isn't telling himself the whole truth - how can he  possibly change his actions to get better results? *sigh* And he's only gotten UE for two of those.....
And - maybe it's just that....I'm judging him by my standards....and no - I don't know what's going on - and yes, I do understand his drive to make himself a success, and yes, I know that's going to require some rockiness and instabilty, but *sigh* I don't - I don't understand how what he's doing/done - helps him in the long term. *sigh*
Basically, I don't like it. I use the past as a predictor of the future, and - based on the past, the future is on me.

What would it take for me to feel comfortable? *sigh* Have him keep a job for more than 18 months. A good job - ie. not paying minimum wage. And even then - *sigh* how can I possibly make plans to release our real only steady source of income in order to do what makes me happy - when I know that at any point he can be out of a job? But hell - in this economy - does it really matter WHAT field he is in - or even me - as far as job stability goes?

Money. Gah!

Well - what really needs to happen? Once I'm out of debt - car, credit cards, student loans, sundry loans - then - at least all we'll have to worry about is the day to day expenses - and heaven knows, I know how to make those as minimal as possible. And it's always the point after that that tweaks my innards. Let's say that I pay off all of my debt - and C. pays off all of his. Then we have a kid. And I stop working. The only source of cash would be him - even to pay our day to day expenses. And - a house? school for me? school for the kids? *sigh* I don't WANT to have to calculate every penny of everything even when he IS working because we never know when he might be out of work.

And he knows - yes - he knows what I want to do long-term. And yes, we've always discussed that once we start having kids, I'm going to stop working. And yes, he knows that I want to go to back to school. I guess, what he doesn't knowis my fear that I can't depend on him to help me make all of that happen. Or maybe he's just so damn - laidback that he hasn't really thought of the economic impact of all of his - and that's all I can seem to think about somedays.

Gah. I think I worry to damn much. I'm going to make a sandwich.