Swelling, Stuffing, and Shrinkage

Swelling: my waistline because I'm: Stuffing my face and not focusing on the potential: Shrinkage of my ass.

So - the last trip to Geneva? Not so good - surely due to my consuming of consumables and the distinct lack of physical activity (it was too fucking cold to be wandering the damn lake - sheesh) I gained 8 pounds. EIGHT. Well - maybe 5, cuz I know I didn't lose 3 pounds in three days so maybe I had a little extra water or solids floating (so to speak) around in me.

Speaking of other shrinkage (but really more swellage) my clothes are starting to not fit again. Eeeeeeeeeee! One thing that sucks about Atkins is it ain't an easy diet to be on when one is brrrriiiizzzzoke (or is that another of my 'must be fully prepared before embarking and as it's almost impossible to be fully prepared I will never actually embark excuses?) but - I'm making a try.

Lunch today is a peanut butter & jelly sammich, with some string cheese and two boiled eggs. Of course, the muffin I had for breakfast this morning (it was free!) defeats the entire bloody purpose, but - *sigh* no - no but's. I screwed up. I shouldn't have eaten it, and I know that I shouldn't have eaten it, and as I was eating it I knew that I shouldn't be eating it, so there are no buts besides my own slowly enlarging one.

*sigh* I really don't know what the hell is going on in my brain sometimes. I mean - I do things that I KNOW are bad for me, and it's like I'm too damn lazy to stop - I just don't want to expend the effort - despite how much I tell myself that I want whatever it is. It's the same way for writing, for dieting, for exercising, for stopping smoking, for pouncing C - all of it - it's just like UGH. I want it, but I want it the lazy way - just give it to me on a platter - preferably one that I don't have to reach for. I'm spoiled, and I procrastinate, and I can talk myself into (or out of) most anything and I'm fully AWARE of those issues, and I'm still too damn lazy to actually raise up and DO something about them. It's rather like downhill inertia - I can get started doing something unhealthy (or continue) quite easily - but stopping is like pushing that same rock UP the hill....and once again - I'm too damn lazy to do that.

I talk about other people lying to themselves - and I know that I lie to myself too, and telling myself that at least I KNOW when I'm lying to myself doesn't help much. So why do I do it? *snort* I'm a wonderful living, breathing example of self sabotage - but WHY? What twisted anger/bitterness lies inside me towards myself that allows - encourages - me to do everything BUT treat myself right? And it's not a fear of change -I enjoy change - maybe more than anything it's a fear of being wrong.  But - *rolls eyes* really - what could possibly be wrong about losing weight?

I brushed on one - issue - already - but I want to explore it a little more here.

I'm - odd. I'm - a distinct controlfreak - I like having things in their proper places, at their proper times, and I don't much like having other people enforce their idea of what's the 'right' time onto me. So - with all that said - I'm an exhibitionist - I like to be watched - however, I must control who is watching me, and what kind of access they have to me. I'm not a snob - but I truly don't like being leered at by just everyone. I don't like being approached by just everyone (phat rock on the left hand seems to make no damn difference). I don't really like being SEEN unless I choose to be - and being fat gives me the true option of deciding when and where I will be seen. I can blend and fade away, or I can place myself in the forefront - and this works EVERYWHERE in my life. *shrugs* It's a side affect of America - the bigger you are the harder you are to see. And - it's been a place of safety, and a place of frustration for the times in which I want to be seen, and ain't nobody looking. Anyhow -  I know that the smaller I get, the more visible I become - and I'm not an ugly girl now - I think I'm actually quite afraid of my own physical potential. And good heavens, that sounded conceited as hell, but - it's not. It's more based on what other people tell me that they see in the very imperfect, very overweight me now, and I literally shudder (sometimes) to think of what they would see in me if  I wasn't overweight.  And I'm not sure if I'm ready just yet to be thrust on the stage of 'beauty' as it's interpeted by 70% of the population when I can barely handle the beauty that people see in me now.
And - good lord - what am I whinging about - but - it's not - it's not that I'm complaining. I'm exploring more than anything else - peeking my head into the nooks and crannies that make me so damn illogical that even my throughly logical mind just tosses it's hands in the air and gives up on me sometimes.
I sabatoge myself like a fat husband whose afraid that if he wife loses too much weight she might leave him - or be taken from him. I sabatoge myself like I like being fat - like it's an innate part of who I am - and I'm afraid of who I might be slim. I sabatoge myself and lie to myself about it - trying to cover up some big gaping sore in my innards that has me so scared I can't even look at it straight. And really, I have a hard time getting frustrated with and cussing myself out and scaring me straight. I'ms so good at giving people the benefit of the doubt - maybe because I always let myself slide. I know how to crack down on me - but I don't do it. It's like while I'm thinking about it - I'm all hardcore and I'm gonna to this and I'm gonna do that - but the instant that it really comes down to making the CHOICE of what to do - I slide right back into what I'm trying to not do, and don't even realize it until it's too damn late to redo the choice.

I'm not mindfull enough. I let my own internal autopilot take over for me far too often, despite the fact that I KNOW that bitch has it in for me. I've removed some sort of internal awareness from myself (the supposedly introverted one) and can only really grasp it when there is nothing else to focus on but me. And those instants tend to come only when I'm doing nothing - while I need my awareness to be most active while I'm doing something.

Talk talk talk - I break promises to myself far too easy - promises that if made to someone else I would hold onto, and promises that if made to me by someone else I would be furious if they broke. Do I think that I've above my own law? Or do I just not care enough to judge myself? Or have I reached a point of such stupid self-love that everything I do is okay because I'm the one doing it, even if someone else was doing the same thing I'd be all 'naughty-naughty'?