*sigh*
A sudden sadness has fallen over my heart.
I've been doing a lot of online talking/reading/thinking learning lately, and suddenly, someting settled on me.
I'm an outcast twice.
My skin makes me an outcast in the culture my mind/attitude would 'assign' me to.
My mind/attitude makes me an outcast in the culture my skin would 'assign' me to.
*brushes off dust forlornly*
Urm. Lately, I've been starting all my entries about how I have nothing to write, but I think the scarcity of my entries has been testament enough to that.
*shrugs*
There ain't much new going on. We are still working on the house - C mowed the grass for the first time yesterday, and it looks FABULOUS - he did a really good job. Our new countertops are coming in on TUESDAY *happy dance*, and once they are in, the kitchen will be DONE - hopefully we will finish the painting around the same time.
My garden is doing WONDERFULLY - It's so cool seeing the little green things come popping out of the ground - and the strawberries are coming back! I saw my first flower when I got home Sunday.
I had fun over the weekend - out in the woods, playing with the pagan women - such wonderous fun! Two of the main women I wanted to see couldn't come (boohoo) and I need to stop being a crappy friend and pick up the phone and call them. I made a confession, over the weekend, to the local women who I don't get in/stay in touch with - it's not that I don't WANT to spend time - I jsut feel - intrusive - like I'm stepping into their life and taking up time that they might wish to use to do something else, but politeness bars them from that. Yes, I'm mildly terrified of 'proper' social interactions, because when it comes to that sort of thing - I'm - I'm vaguely uncertain of how to act. My friends are usually like family - and there are certain 'rules' with family - more comfort, more of a leeway - but with newish friends, who aren't quite family, but who you want to be more than mere accquaintences? I don't know how to purposely bridge that gap - and balance my natural intoversion/shyness. But - at least I put that admission out there, so that - it's - clearer. Hopefully.
Another very sweet thing from the weekend - I finally busted out my sewing machine, and sewed a robe (that I wore all of once, but it tis okay). I REALLY want an accessory kit - I need the other presserfoots, etc, etc. Hrm. I think a trip to eBay is in order.
Speaking of eBay - I'm doing new decorative things to myself! *laugh* I picked this up from one of the hair forums, but I'm going to stretch my ears. So far, I've gone from pierced to 12g in the first hole, and pierced to 14g in the second hole. I'm pretty sure I want to go to 6g in the front - because the jewelry you can get - oh me god! It's not CHEAP like the stuff I've been buying, but it's gorgeous and handmade and UNIQUE and it's not something you see much of round these here parts.....so I've been having eBay type fun getting cheap earring to get me to the right size, and then I'll be able to get pretty/expensive ones that I'll be keeping.
I played hooky from work yesterday - I 'worked from home' and it rocked! We really need to get me knocked up so I can have a firm deadline of getting the brightsunshinyhell out of this place.
And dammit, now I must go work, so any further trains of thought will be late getting to the station.
So... over the last day or so, I've been working on the 42 Declarations - I gathered the listings from 6 different places - some were obviously from Budge, and others seemed to be 'rough' imitations, and organized them (I'm a big organizer) to see which Declarations all versions had, and which didn't. I love Excel, by the by. I've finished, and I've actually ended up with 50 Declarations. Some of them could be included with others, but to be most precise - 50.
I want to study and meditate and really think over them - try to feel out what the spirit is, and then write my own interpetation of them.
Oddly enough, I'm still comfortable with what I'm doing - I don't feel like I'm straying too very far from the spirit of what the Path of Ma'at should be. At the same time - well, I feel like - I'm consciously rejecting two huge sinks of knowledge simply because they DO make me uncomfortable - both for different reasons.
*laughs* And just writing that out helped so much. That makes perfect sense for someone like me - I'm not really African, and I'm not really European, and I don't have a problem with that. It also helps me understand more why the Path of Ma'at (Ma'atism?) feels right to me - Egypt as well was a - mixed nation. *laughs* It was always a meeting place/mixing pot of various cultures and colors.
And that is the wonderful thing about Ma'at, as I read and dig up more gems (I love universities that put books online!) - it's a series of guidelines - markers on the right path. It doesn't demand that you worship the Netjer - it simply demands that you honor the Gods. It doesn't demand that you wear a certain type of clothing, or eat a certain type of food - it simply demands that you honor YOURSELF. It's - something that can certainly stand the test of time, and it can apply to anyone - whether they believe in gods or not.
I don't do well with Dogma, at all. I need more flexibility in my life.
Haven't even started writing today - naughty, naughty girl. I've been pounding away on a document I need to get done for SWHC that I need to finish at work so that I can print out many many free copies, so - yeeeahhh.
I may be the oddest person ever - really - I get moody for the silliest of reasons - just resentful that things aren't going MY way. *stomps foot*
Why yes, I AM a brat.
But - onto the profile!
You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.
Being a likeable person you get on well with neighbours and friends. You don't need anything to 'Rock your boat'. You want to 'love' and to be loved'.
The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations.
Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.
In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.
Suprisingly on point - esp. in the particular mood I'm in. I'll have to do this again when I'm a wee bit more cheerful. *glares at nothing in particular*
*crunches into chocolate*
And - why! Why! Would you a) give away OLD candy (like stale icky old) for Halloween, and then! THEN! bring the even staler, ickier, leftovers to work to torment your coworkers? I mean damn ya'll - if ya gon give away candy from 2003, at least keep it in the freezer so that it stays FRESH.
Though, I suppose I shouldn't be eating candy ANYWAY - my ass is still - wide (hah! it hasn't been not-wide since I was 6!) but - I'm actually starting to ENJOY working out more. I can't say that I look FORWARD to it - there's always a little debbil sitting on my shoulder, asking me in sweet sweet tones whether I would really PREFER to go home and crash on the couch and burn my brain away with television - but once I get there, and once I get changed - it's - it's - good. I'm enjoying challenging myself (dammit! forgot to bring in the 8 pound weights from home!), seeing myself progress (I did 40 minutes on the treadmill Wednesday - and not 40 lesiurely minutes either - 40 sweaty, heartpoiunding, felt funny walking once I got off the treadmill and sucked down a bottle and a half of water minutes - and I felt GOOD - 2 months ago, I was sucking wind through 12 minutes!) - but..... I'm not seeing the changes in my body that I want to. Now, I KNOW that because I'm doing some serious weightlifting, that I'm going to get bigger before I get smaller, and I'm going to gain weight before I lose it, and I'm NOT doing this to see instant results - I'm doing this to be better and faster and stronger....but all I'm saying is that when I get measured week after next, if I haven't lost at LEAST 2 inches overall (which ain't much - really, that ain't much at all) I'm going to leave, buy an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's, and eat it with delighted, luxorious slowness - and then, take my ass right back to the gym to the next day.
The thing that scares me - the real devil lurking in the back of my head - is that the reason that the weight is creeping off so very very slowly is that there is something 'wrong' with me - PCOS, hypothyroidism, pre-diabetes, and that I'm simply sick, and I'll never be able to get knocked up without many rounds of fertility drugs and I'll be fat ALL MY LIFE.
But then, I have to remind myself - I'm SO not eating as cleanly (or as much protien) as I should be, and that I didn't gain it all in 2 months (more like 20 years) (okay, okay, 10 years), and I'm not going to lose it all in 2 months, and I can't be impatient because it's a slow gradual thing, and because most of my clothes are sacks anyway and I haven't worn pants in months (I've worn pants twice since it's gotten colder and they feel - ODD on me) so I don't haveany thing with a 'tight' waistline to compare my waistline too because I'm still too fat to even dream of trying on any of my skinny clothes and therefore I could be changing and I wouldn't even know it because the scale LIES and.......................
And I have muscles in new places and I can run up and down the steps a couple of times without losing breath and I'm stronger and can open bottles and hammer nails and drive screws without feeling like my hands are going numb and I'm sleeping better and I feel sexier and I think I actually have a metabolism now and it's slow - and it's minor - and I can't see it on my ass (yet) but I know it's coming. It's gotta be coming.
I've never looked forward to someone wrapping a measuring tape around my ass THIS much before in my life.
Okay. I have to get back to this ^($&%$*&%$ $ document now.
Nano count later.... much later, as I might not write til I get home, depending on how the afternoon goes.
*kisses*
I don't even know how long it's been since I've posted here. Everytime I plan on starting to write, I stare at the screen and quietly peter out. I've been considering being bold and finally consolidating all of me into a single place (that would most likely end up being LJ) but - oh, the work that would require - it jsut doesn't seem worth doing now. Well, not worth doing - but - value added. Yes, that's the right word.
Spiritually? Sweet Mother in Heaven - I've been talking to myself a lot. Not studying, nearly as much as I've wanted to/need to. However, S - one of the lovely women I met at the Coven meeting - has talked me into starting up a Women's Circle with her - it looks like it's going to be rather fun & interesting - so that's filling in one small part of my - need for connection.
We're actually taking ownership of the house - finally - doing right proper things to bring us into the house - I can't wait til we are mostly done.
Ah! *smiles* That reminds.... keep your eye on me for an announcement in a wee bit of time.
It's interesting - I've been thinking about how to explain - faith and God and religion - to future kidlings - and realized that - I don't believe in the 'classic' concept of God. But then, for some reason, the thought 'God helps those who help themselves' drifted into my mind today. Along with - Thou art God - which I always vibed with, but never fully grokked. *smiles* But - analyzing those two things - led me to - in order to get anything done - you have to help yourself.
Am I God? No - but - I reflect my God - my - vision of God.
If I believe that I have a just, fair, loving God - then my every act should be just, fair and loving. I AM God in that I represent God in the only way that humans can really connect to God - in their minds & spirits. I am not God in the form that I have powers to control all - but then, I don't really believe that my God(s) control all. I believe that - they are (usually) a shining example of how to be the best human possible - and in that way - I can become godlike.
More mulling over this is required..... I'm just randomly gushing things onto the page.
Well, we've started the move process. All of the crap that we drove down here with (cats, chemicals, food, vacuum and other odds and ends) are merrily stashed away at our new house! It took us almost until 11 to get all the stuff there and settled in, and to grab some dinner, but it's worth it. I hope the kittes aren't too traumatized by spending the night there alone.
I got our keys and a crapload of mail right after work, but since the hotel that we're staying in now is about 20 minutes from the house (and the other hotel) it was a LONG three (or was it just two?) series of trips back and forth. We're most likely going to go furniture 'browsing' this weekend, as I refuse to spend an extra dime that I don't have to until I get my damn paycheck (hopefully Friday or Saturday).
The Boy has the car today so that he can make the final transition from one hotel to another. See - this is the level of hope/trust I have with this man. Last time we switched hotels, he managed to leave one of my bags. As I'm sure that the incident (and my general pissiness as a result) are still rather fresh in my mind, hopefully, he'll go over the room with a fine tooth comb. Of course, I helped by piling damn near everything into a heap in the front room. *sigh&smiles&shakeshead* Men.
I'm SOOOOO glad it's Friday, even though it doesn't really FEEL like Friday- hey, I can switch my calendar. IP has these really cool foresty calendars - but I'm innately suspicious of a companies PR efforts towards it's employees - and I haven't taken the time yet to see what their REAL environmental record is. I've heard that they replant - but I'm not sure what else they do to insure that the ecosystem remains as pristine as possible as they hack down trees. *sigh* At least it's not pharmecueticals anymore - *shakes head* they ripped people off in so MANY different ways.
I haven't gotten a good feel for the 'culture' here just yet. On our team there's a Blonde, a Wisecracker, a Whiner, a Pessimist, a Mom (who's leaving, dammit), a Condesender (and I'm sure I spelled that wrong), a couple of others who I haven't quite pegged yet, and me - Newbie. *flutters eyelashes helplessly* *snort*
I've accepted the fact that I know nothing about the business, and I suspect that half of my team doesn't either. We're techies, and technically (haha) don't need to know about the business - but I'm so used to straddling that stream that I feel rather - lost trying to solve problems when I don't understand what caused them. *sigh* anyhow.
Okay - this might be rude and rather insensative, but I would think that Catholics would be celebrating that the Pope is going to die - or at least kind of happy/excited. I mean - finally, he get's to be with his Lord - that's not something to greive over, esp. for someone in his position - right? Maybe they are mourning the soon to come loss of the man who is the Pope, rather than the death of the Pope himself. But really - how many of the hundreds of thousands of Catholics know that Pope as anything other than the Pope? I can understand and respect the grief of his family - but I would think that the rest of the members of the Catholic faith would be - energized, I guess.
Speaking of death (or the lack thereof) I'm so happy for Terry Schiavo that she finally died. Me & C have already talked and decided that we are going to write living wills - as I told him 'If you kept me alive under those circumstances, as soon as I died I would come back and haunt you for not treating me with the same respect and dignity you would treat a dog.' But then, I've never been afraid of death - *shrugs* it's something that happens to all of us, and it never happens when you really want it to - we can't neatly ink in death to come and visit at a convienent time.
So, if I'm ever in a situation where part of my brain has been replaced by fluid, or I haven't truly responded to outside stimuli in over 5 years, I want the plug to be pulled and the morphine OD to be administered. I think that letting her starve to death was the cruelest thing EVER - whether she could feel it or not - what a horrible way to end your physical existence - and I wouldn't be the least bit suprised if a nurse or a doctor helped the process along a little.
Even if there is still hope - let me go. For the sake of those left behind who no longer have to endure a deathwatch. For the sake of my husband, who will never have a wife again - but who is still alive and still deserves to find love. For the sake of my children (if there are any) so that they will remember their mother as a bright, vibrant, alive woman, not some wired up, intubated, unresponsive thing in a hospital bed. For the sake of my mother, who while enduring the horror of outliving your child, would at least also be able to remember me at my very best - alive. Not just breathing, heart beating, eyes twitching - but alive. Capable of response and interaction with the world. Capable of love. *sigh* I'm not selfish enough to demand that kind of devotion for endless number of years. Sheesh, even the insurance companies consider someone dead if they haven't been seen in 7 years - 15? *shakes head* I'd want C to suffocate me first. *sigh* I hope she rests in peace. And I hope her parents......well, I hope they have their wills in order.
Bleh. It's only 11, and I'm hungry - there was a launch of another set of mills this morning, and they brought in brekkie - really yummy breakfast sammichs from Chick-Fila. 'Eat mor chikin!' - was the sign in front of the box of sausage biscuits. *snicker* I think part of what's been irking me about this team is that is so damn tentative - and things move at a SNAILS pace. *creepcreepcreep* which I'm sooooo not used to - but then, my old would be considered a process team here, not an integration one. *shrugs* They'll get at least two years out of me - I want to see what the promotion/raise process is like, and I want to save up as much money as I can. I need to figure out how much money it would take for me to be able to take some time off - hmmm.... I wonder if they allow educational sabbaticals - I need to look at the homepage and see - that would be cool.
Hmm... I think I've gabbed enough. Maybe more later.
C. asked me Friday if I prayed - and if I did to pray for one his friends who had almost been killed by her boyfriend the night before. I don't pray - but in that moment I once again felt an aching desire to be ABLE to.
I grew up Muslim - praying every day, 5 times a day. I woke up at dawn every day of my life from 7ish to 16ish to pray the morning prayer. I prayed at mid-morning, lunch, sunset, and once more before I went to bed. My exclamations 'Yah Allah!' were prayers. My words of hope 'Mashallah' were prayers. My words of gratitude 'Al-Hamidiallah' were prayers. I lived in a world where praying was almost as natural and spontaneous as breathing - and often just as subtle. Ten years of praying daily leaves a distinct impression on how you are as a person - and it strikes me as odd that I am now a person who cannot pray.
I stopped praying when I was around 17 - I was fed up with the artificiality of the people and patriarchy of the religion, and I transferred that anger and frustration towards the trappings of Islam. I stopped praying. I stopped fasting. I stopped wearing hijab. I slowly stopped believing at all. As arrogant as it sounds (and is) I didn't feel like a God who could ALLOW horrors to happen on His world deserved my worship. Rather like boycotting an environmentally detrimental company, or a racist artist, I boycotted a distant and ineffectual God to better merge my mind and the spirit I was developing into.
Through the first few years of college - if pressed I would call myself an atheist. As time went on - I would call myself a neopagan. As even more time goes on - and goes on - I call myself a pagan. But I still can't pray. My gods don't much care about the sufferings of humanity - they figure we got ourselves into this mess and our only hope is to pull ourselves back out. They are just as ineffectual on a grand scale as God has shown Himself to be - but they admit to it and never claimed to be anything more. My gods are caprious - sometimes providing help, other times standing totally mute. My gods show themselves to me only in nature - both in its kindness and its rage. My gods don't demand that I worship them - they offer me no comfort, no surety, no guarantees of a perfect life after death. My gods are the Creators - they provide a sense of connection to everything and everyone and they are far far far removed from the daily excitement I call my life. Whether that connection even exists or whether it is a fiction made up by my own mind - I don't know. All I can say for sure is that is what I believe.
To those gods - I cannot pray. It would be a waste of breath - empty air going out into the void that would have as much effect as asking the sun to change it course. Over the last few months though, more and more I've began to wish I COULD pray. I truly wish I could have dropped to my knees and prayed for C.'s friend. I truly wish that I could spend some time before bed praying for the people in Iraq - whether citizens of Iraq or of anywhere else. I wish that I could pray for SOOO much - but I can't. I would be a hugely hypocritical lie - and one that I would make for no reason other than to try to soothe others by telling them - "Yes - I will pray for you" because it wouldn't soothe my heart or soul.
So instead, I hang my head and tell them that I cannot pray for them - my prayers would be like chaff in the wind. I have no belief, no certainty, no faith in the existence of a God that would listen or care.
On the rare occasions that someone presses me about what religion I am (and especially if they happen to be Christians hellbent on conversion) I tell them I am a lapsed pagan. It's truly (and sadly) about the closest 'label' I can stick on my beliefs.
From 5 until 13, every choice that was made for me was made in the name of Islam. Everytime we moved from one city to another, it was because the Muslim community wasn't 'good' or 'pure' enough, or they didn't follow the Hadi'th1 closely enough. All that I picked up from Islam (as it was practiced in our community in the mid80's until the early 90's) was unequal limitations.
There was simply so much that I COULD not do, and so much that I was not allowed to do, and for reasons that even to my young mind made little to no sense - but it was Sha'ria2. Or it was from a Hadi'th. Or the Imam 3 went and studied in Saudi and he said so and so it is so.
It's hard to sit here and try to summarize the endless little bits on anger and bitterness that I went through and still carry with me because of Islam. It's even harder to do so because I actually still believe that the 'pure' religion of Islam isn't really all that bad. In the world of the Sunni4 Muslims that I grew up with however, it was painful.
One shining example of how the communities I lived in twisted the religion about was the fact that all women over 15 HAD to wear purdah. Period. There were no exceptions. According to Islam - it is to always be the womens choice AND the men have as much responsibility to avoid the 'temptation' of women as the women did to make sure they weren't tempting.
Or the fact that all the boys were encouraged to learn as much as they could about anything, while the girls were to mainly study the Had'iths and the Quran. Who needs higher learning when you aren't supposed to leave the house unaccompanied?
The fact that I was smarter than all of the boys made the 'encouraged' ignorance even more painful.
The pain turned into anger, the anger turned into rejection, and finally at around 16 or so - I told my mother that I could no longer consider myself Muslim. I stopped praying, stopped reading the Quran, stopped believing and the only thing I regret - I stopped learning how to speak and read Arabic. She sweet talked me into keeping up the appearence of it (we aren't going to get into my mother right now....) until I graduated high school.
Th day after graduation, I took off the headpiece, and never looked back.
At that point in time, I would have classified myself as an atheist. I didn't believe in 'God', and I sure as hell didn't believe that He was looking out for me at all.
I went to a small, private, all girls school, whose motto was "Our Whole School for Christ". Um Yeah. Thankfully, the school itself was a lot more laidback than the motto would have you believe. However, my roomate for 3 out of the 4 years I lived on campus was a bible-beating, sprit-catching, Holy Roller. She would occasionally talk me into going to church with her, and everytime I went a feeling of utter revulsion would it in my stomach and stay there until the service was over. The only thing that I enjoyed was the singing...it made me feel something deep and wonderful and powerful that the preacher simply could NOT touch. I knew that Christianity held no attractions for me - even now I HATE going to church.
I can't quite remember what first turned me towards paganism. At some point while I was still in school (most likely shortly after I began exploring my sexuality) I began to feel - disconnected. I felt the need to be connected to others in a spiritual manner - but none of the paths that I 'knew' were spiritually healthy for me.
So. It seems like I have always known about Magic(k), witchcraft, and the like from my escapist readings all during my so-called childhood - but never really realized that for some people Paganism is their main spiritual base. I began reading everything I could find out about and realized that this is how I best connect. An appreciation and reverence for nature. A belief in paranormal abilities. A highly customizable 'framework' of 'worship'.
I have to admit - I want to believe that there is some form of intelligence out there that created everything. But I cannot believe that there is a form of intelligence out there that has any control whatsoever over what we as humans do in our day to day lives. I believe that there is nothing but humanity there to save, support, and provide for humanity.
But when I walk under a full moon, I can't but help smile at Lady Luna and send a few small thoughts her way. And I can't but help feel stronger and more peaceful and better after a cleansing ritual. But at the same time - I know that it's my own belief and my own impowerment that makes me feel better. :) It's an odd combination, the balance of belief and disbelief that float about in my head.
*sings*
Never on Sunday
Monday’s too soon
Tuesday and Wednesday just won’t do…
Thursday and Friday weekend begins
But our Saturday LOVE….. will never end… sugah!
Guess what? It’s Friday. And guess what else? It’s warm…I’m talking close to 70 ° !! That is just SOOO Jazzy. This weekend I might be guilted into cleaning my apartment, as yesterday as soon as I got home I opened every window in my house, and I left them open all night without feeling the least bit chill. *sighs* I really was kinda trying to put it off…I mean WHO likes to clean right?? But today…if I am not TOO incapacitated by the cramps that seize my entire lower half and make me spasm like a fish freshly out of water…I think I might swing by the Pier One outlet again and see what they have new. As I am not really spending ‘my’ money (I’m still working off of the gift card to Pier One that my mommy gave me for Valentine’s) I don’t have to feel the least bit bad about going and splurging for more new stuff for my house.
I had to call my mommy and whine yesterday about the fact that they (they being Subaru) have changed the design of MY car… and they (horror of horrors) have taken out the freaking SUNROOF!! ARRGGGHH!!! That was one of the main reasons I wanted to get the stupid car (besides the lovely all wheel drive of course). *sighs* But the new body of the 2002 Impreza is just so freaking CUTE! I don’t know… I have been so fixated on sunroofs…now I have to start all over again and figure out what kind of car I want. I would just get a 01… but….from a quick search I did on the web, I don’t think they are going to be that easy to find. I mean when I was looking for them last year they were hard as hell to find. *sighs* Maybe I should just look into getting a sunroof installed in the car. Hm. It’s a thought. Hm. Looks like installing one aftermarket costs about the same as getting one factory installed. *sighs* *pouts* *whines vaguely*
Ahh welll… I’ll get over it. Maybe.
As I woman, I would like to say that if that whole Eve & the apple Genesis thing is even vaguely on point…contrary to any and all previous ideas, God has GOT to be a man. Otherwise, God wouldn’t have given us stuff like cramps and childbirth and all that other painful stuff than men can just look on and pat our hands and back and the like in pseudo-sympathy. *growls* I least I don’t PMS. *growls* I would prfer it.
*laughs* I just passed one of my co-workers in the hallway and she wished me a Happy Friday. It reminded me of that priceline commercial where the lady came up with the idea of St. Croix day… and managed to turn it into a sort of holiday for everybody.. while she was off on a plane to St. Croix. *sighs* Flying off somewhere on a semi spur of the moment sounds like a great idea to me. Yup yup yup….I’m browsing for cars again… *pouts* six more months.. that is what I keep telling myself… only six more months…
*softly chants*
There’s no place like home…I mean…Just six more months… just six more months…
Stay Jazzed.
I’m so tired of my life. *sighs* That sentence seems a little over board… but…that is just how I feel. I feel like I am standing still…and I am so fucking tired of bitching about it.
I’m tired of not doing IT. I’m tired of not even knowing what IT is. *sighs* And there is the fact that I… I don’t know what I want. *sighs* A little emotional am I.
Umm…URGH! It’s really aggravating to lead a solitary life. This space here is totally NOT a appropriate substitute for talking to a human one on one… even though you folx here are totally wonderful…sometimes I need the bouncing back & forth interaction that can only be gained through interaction.
Okay…onto a totally different topic…
I read a book this weekend called Little X about a African-American woman’s experience of growing up under first the Nation of Islam, and then under Orthodox Islam. So much of what she said resonated with me that it was scary…at least during the period of her life while she was an Orthodox Muslim. One of the things that mostly resonated was how growing up as Muslim warped the second generation…as in the kids of the adults who had embraced the religion. The girls/women grew up mostly swearing to never end up as their mothers did, depending on a man for the money and life, while stuck in the home producing babies and cleaning up after them. Also this weekend I had a series of conversations with friends about the whole Jesse Jackson thing, and the combinations of these two conversations led me to realize just why I am not the member of any religion.
As I grew up, I saw the most… amazing feats of hypocrisy and out-and-out warping of the rules that were to guide all of us. *sighs* Those who were in positions of power…or those who were simply male, had it so so much better than the rest of us. Growing up as a girl who wanted more than to be a mother and a wife was a scary proposition. *sighs* I am not expressing this half as well as I feel it and I hate that. When I think back to the Muslim woman who was held up to the rest of us in the community as the example for the rest of us to follow was a woman who had 8 children, was the wife of the Imam (the religious leader) and whose entire life revolved around her children and her husband.
Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that they were on welfare because he felt that it was more important for him to be a good leader to the whole community (and more impressive besides) than it was for him to have a ‘real’ job and take proper care of his family. *sighs* I wonder what her daughters are doing now...whether they managed to live in that life, or if they managed to break free…or if they ever even realized that there was something to break free from. I know consciously that it isn’t really right nor fair of me to judge an entire religion by the twisted actions of a few, but as that is what I grew up with, that is what I have come to expect. And honestly, nothing that I have seen has led me to a different view of Islam in general. For a woman who wants more than to be a wife & a mother (not that there is anything wrong if that IS what you want) it sucks to be a Muslima. Period.
And I am not a Christian because I grew up as a Muslim, and I just have *thinks* too much knowledge of other paths and other ways to be even remotely saved, and going to church tends to creep me out on a very visceral level. I greatly enjoy the music…but that is it. *sighs* I haven’t figured out what it is…but there is just something about churches that rub me the wrong way…almost like hospitals. I just don’t like them.
*sighs* Anyway. I should be getting ready to go to sleep… but I simply don’t feel like it. *sighs* I know that I am…but…sometimes what happens in life…hell most times what happens in life is no where near as fulfilling as what you WANT to happen in life might be. And then… what if what I want to happen in my life is just as unfulfilling as what is (or is not) happening now? It’s too damn late/early to be philosophical…
Stay Jazzed.
Why don’t I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me? I feel like I have forgotten something that will make this end of things be complete… like there is a hole in what should be the perfect ending that I can’t quite see to patch. I don’t know… maybe I expected to feel so much better about having finished all of my finals with no obvious cases of falling flat on my face. Perhaps I expected to much of a WHOOSH of relief as I turned in that last test… *sighs* All I know right now is that I am not as tired as I should be, and I don’t feel like anything has changed. ah well… maybe after I get more rest and relaxation I will feel more of a sense of completion. Or maybe after I get my grades… and I KNOW that I have completed. Umph…. hell week… all I am waiting for now is the probate show.
What is faith? What do people mean when they say put their/your trust in God to make a way? I could never understanding the blind patience to wait for something/someone to make a change in your life that you have not initiated. I suppose it is mainly because my god is not an active god…my god is not directly and daily involved in my life. MY god is a construct, a idea that allows me to see the wholeness in my world, and to be aware that everything is somehow connected through something that is at the same time both greater than and part of us.
My god has never been one that steps in when I fuck up and make it all right…my god has never been one that changes what I know is coming to make it into what I want to come…my god is never there holding my hand…because my god knows that I have the strength and the grace and the intelligence to walk this path on my own two feet... because that is how my god made me. So the idea of someone waiting patiently for their god to lead them towards what they have not themselves made an effort to grasp is…boggling. It is a cop-out…a refusal of their own god-given strength and intelligence… if god planned on doing everything for us…why bother giving us minds to think and hands to act? If god did everything…or anything for us directly… why are people still maimed in the soul… with their killers of the spirit walking about scot-free? If god does for anyone… how can god not do for all of god’s children??
I suppose that it is this view of god that makes me leery of organized religions.
I cannot understand the thought of bowing to/appeasing something that has… over the years shown absolutely no interest in anything… that I have to say. And if god is so mighty and so powerful…how can god at the same time be so petty as to get pleasure from the obeisance’s of god’s own minor creations? And these creations think that god will only hear their words...but overlook how they treat the REST of god’s creatures? my momma always told me that actions speak louder than words. And the random acts of blindness that are apparent is organized religion… the assumptions that all others are going straight to hell… umph… if god made you… god made you in the image god wanted you to be in… and the form god wanted you to be in …and with the heart god wanted you to have. yeah.. I believe that god made twisted people… and I believe that people are almost always in control of their actions… and blaming what you have done on god is the worst kind of cop-out there is.
I have never really examined my thoughts on god & religion so deeply… I just always knew that they were not for me… it makes so much sense… when you can’t actually honor & congratulate the maker… to instead respect and honor the maker’s creations. And I do believe that everything that exists is a creations of gods… me… these damn neighbors of mine… the spiders that wander through my house…the fools who are blind to what needs to be done to at least start making earth a safer & better place for own children. I believe in the Big Bang…and in god said “ let there be light”…. I believe in Darwinism…and the creation of the original people… I believe in the Garden of Eden…and in the fact that the first humans lived in Africa….I believe in god… who makes all things possible… because god has made all things…and I see no contradiction in that.
Stay Jazzed.
