Tell me Why....

Why don’t I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me? I feel like I have forgotten something that will make this end of things be complete… like there is a hole in what should be the perfect ending that I can’t quite see to patch. I don’t know… maybe I expected to feel so much better about having finished all of my finals with no obvious cases of falling flat on my face. Perhaps I expected to much of a WHOOSH of relief as I turned in that last test… *sighs* All I know right now is that I am not as tired as I should be, and I don’t feel like anything has changed. ah well… maybe after I get more rest and relaxation I will feel more of a sense of completion. Or maybe after I get my grades… and I KNOW that I have completed. Umph…. hell week… all I am waiting for now is the probate show.

What is faith? What do people mean when they say put their/your trust in God to make a way? I could never understanding the blind patience to wait for something/someone to make a change in your life that you have not initiated. I suppose it is mainly because my god is not an active god…my god is not directly and daily involved in my life. MY god is a construct, a idea that allows me to see the wholeness in my world, and to be aware that everything is somehow connected through something that is at the same time both greater than and part of us.

My god has never been one that steps in when I fuck up and make it all right…my god has never been one that changes what I know is coming to make it into what I want to come…my god is never there holding my hand…because my god knows that I have the strength and the grace and the intelligence to walk this path on my own two feet... because that is how my god made me. So the idea of someone waiting patiently for their god to lead them towards what they have not themselves made an effort to grasp is…boggling. It is a cop-out…a refusal of their own god-given strength and intelligence… if god planned on doing everything for us…why bother giving us minds to think and hands to act? If god did everything…or anything for us directly… why are people still maimed in the soul… with their killers of the spirit walking about scot-free? If god does for anyone… how can god not do for all of god’s children??
I suppose that it is this view of god that makes me leery of organized religions.

I cannot understand the thought of bowing to/appeasing something that has… over the years shown absolutely no interest in anything… that I have to say. And if god is so mighty and so powerful…how can god at the same time be so petty as to get pleasure from the obeisance’s of god’s own minor creations? And these creations think that god will only hear their words...but overlook how they treat the REST of god’s creatures? my momma always told me that actions speak louder than words. And the random acts of blindness that are apparent is organized religion… the assumptions that all others are going straight to hell… umph… if god made you… god made you in the image god wanted you to be in… and the form god wanted you to be in …and with the heart god wanted you to have. yeah.. I believe that god made twisted people… and I believe that people are almost always in control of their actions… and blaming what you have done on god is the worst kind of cop-out there is.

I have never really examined my thoughts on god & religion so deeply… I just always knew that they were not for me… it makes so much sense… when you can’t actually honor & congratulate the maker… to instead respect and honor the maker’s creations. And I do believe that everything that exists is a creations of gods… me… these damn neighbors of mine… the spiders that wander through my house…the fools who are blind to what needs to be done to at least start making earth a safer & better place for own children. I believe in the Big Bang…and in god said “ let there be light”…. I believe in Darwinism…and the creation of the original people… I believe in the Garden of Eden…and in the fact that the first humans lived in Africa….I believe in god… who makes all things possible… because god has made all things…and I see no contradiction in that.

Stay Jazzed.