Booiiinnnggggggg

There are some connections and bonds that have to be honored…some binds that will not break until you have explored them to their fullest. I have run smack into a few of those bonds today, and the concept of exploring them is still making me quake inside.

I had been kinda ambivalent about going to visit Papi as I had planned on. At first the plan was for us to meet on Tuesday (the day I was leaving) but it got shifted to Saturday instead. I honestly wasn’t sure if he wanted to see me, because there wasn’t the excitement or enthusiasm, at least from him, which I had expected from a friend who I hadn’t seen in a year.

*grins* I mean L. who I had just seen at new years, was about to bust a gut in anticipation of seeing me…*shrugs * I don’t know… it was odd. So no real firm plans had been made as far as how & when we were going to meet, or what we were going to do…I figured that we would plan it out as we went. My mother sent me off with a hug & a kiss & an 'I love you' like she always does, and I was off to DC. I think I was sleep for most of the trip… sleep or reading...or listening to music…. I really can’t remember which, but the ride went by at a blur. S

ince I was coming into DC from the North I couldn’t seethe view of the city like I usually could, which left me feeling a little… lost. A little unsettled and antsy… but I got over it and moved on. I got to the terminal and looked for P. No where to be found… I knew he was picking up the car at 1:00pm…so I figured I would give him about ½ an hour to get to the train station…since he was only coming from the airport. I waited… and around 1:45 I figured I would give him a call.. *shakes head* pay phones realllly rip people off when it comes to making long distance phone calls. Utterly ridiculous. So he called back at let me know that he was on his way..

*sighs * I HATE waiting… one of my larger personality faults… but I wasted some money and waited. When he finally got there… I was happy to see him.. more so because I could stop waiting and get on with the rest of the day than anything else… we collected my bags and went back to the car.

I wanted this meeting to be nothing like the last one… I didn’t want the whole sexual tension/attraction thing to go on and I didn’t want to dredge up any hidden feelings (if there were any), so I made a conscious effort not to do some of the things that I had done on my last trip…. but.. I failed. *laughs * I flirted shamelessly, and felt so simply comfortable with him that I knew I was melting into a state where sexual tension was the next logical step. ON our way to the car he suggested that we go to see his godparents, and I agreed… finally I would get to at least see some of the people that he talks about so much.

*grins* Being around them made me realize exactly why I wished for an extended family. I felt such warmth. such love and acceptance in that room from those people as I ate their EXCELLENT barbecue.. it was amazing.. that is what family should be all about. Papi & I (mostly I) had to make a quick run to the mall so that I could get a wallet.. For once in my life I had actually had more cash than I felt that I could safely just stuff in my pocketbook and ignore, and he was kind enough to take me to the mall. I was starting to feel a little bit of something.. a neediness that I thought was coming from the fact that for so long I hadn’t been touched. and mercy knows I don’t mean that in a sexual way.. I mean a hug and caress from someone who cares… and being around him I knew that if I wanted.. I could get that and more…but why would I want to complicate issues so much?

MY mantra was leave it alone Jazzy… just let it be. I swept through the mall like a mad woman, and left bearing my treasures of wallet and umbrella, because the Baltimore sky had decided to begin pouring… and me expecting summer time weather was not dressed accordingly.

Our next stop (a quick diversion) was the bookstore. I could feel the tension building…like the electricity that collects before a storm…when I want something.. it is hard for me to deny myself.. and right then and there I wanted him… or more I wanted something that I knew he could give… I was wandering through the bookstore, with him tagging along paying more attention to me than he was to the books… last year our ‘scene’ had started in a bookstore.. and somehow I figured that once again… this would be the case. He finally made his move in the music section.. pulling me towards him and kissing me like I was lost…and for a while I was.

It felt so good… just kissing someone…just kissing him that I was overwhelmed by it. Shuddering I had to pull away because I was almost in tears. Tears or relief mixed with anger. I WAS not ready for this to happen… I DID not want this to happen… my heart stirred… wondering if this was something that could be of importance…and as I turned to emotionally walk away, I ran SMACK into those bonds that cannot be denied.