Closing Time

Okay…. perhaps I should just give up on trying to post something the SAME day, and instead just submit my entries very early in the morning…considering that is when they are written anyhow. I think I wait so long to write them because writing shortly before I go to bed is…peaceful somehow. I clear everything out, and go to sleep with a clear mind & conscience. That is the best way to do it I suppose. I don’t have much to write about tonight… mainly because I didn’t do much today. I decided that today would be an official hot-gyrl day, and thus dressed myself to the nines and went out and got some sun & some stares and a book (can’t leave that out now can we?). I also did some clothes sizing.. to determine just what size clothes I can wear so that my mommy can by me some stuff. I also brought a ticket to the Big Game, but regretfully didn’t win : ( ah well.. .hopefully no one else won either and it will swell like an ballon in hot weather and I will win on Friday…. yeah right.
I was talking to a new acquaintence on AIM today, and somehow we got on the topic of fathers. As we were talking, I realized that my father was 24 when I was born…and while that isn’t THAT old, it is rather old enough that a man should be prepared to take care of a child. Instead, as he admitted in al etter me me 18 years later, ‘he got scared and was too immature to handle the challenge’. * sighs * And folks wonder why women become mature faster…do we have much of a choice?

in cases of extreme regret
all that holds you together
is the knowledge
that what was done
was done by another
and what needs to be done
will be done by you.
in places of extreme sorrow
all that can bring joy
is the awareness that
this too, shall pass
and that it could not have been
prevented from coming
in times of deepest despair
all that keeps you sane
is the peace of love
and holding as true
that the sun
always comes
after the rain

Talking to another friend (yeah… I am turning this into a recap of my AIM conversations of the day/night) he mentioned that had I met him two years ago… I most likely would not have been as much of a friend as I am now, because he was a bitter & angry person. That set me to wondering…what if? The biggest question in the universe is NOT ‘who’s the daddy’ but what if… what if I had met him two days later? what if I had moved to DC and then to Trenton rather than the other way around? what if the IUD had worked? what if he had stayed? what if he had moved? what if she had given up? There is that terrifying blank spot in our past that is the realm of other worlds… other paths not taken.. and it can almost drive you mad to think what if that path had been taken. And sometimes.. it can be just as terrifying to consider why this path was taken. Each moment of each day that we live has the potential to change us totally and radically, and each moment of each day that we have already lived HAS changed us radically. As much as I like to read, I could never get into time travel books because they always struck a little too close to home.

I sleep…perchance to dream. or not.

Stay Jazzed.