HeartHealing Began...

No, this actually has nothing to do with him...but everything to do with me. How shall I begin...this is an ending of the old and a start on the new. I have had time (yeah... I know, even with all my complaining, I still have time to think about my life) to think about what I really want out of life...in the long term, and in the short. And I know that one of the things that I want... without a doubt, is someone in my life to love & to love me. I have had love... on an intimate and close level (to my heart that is) a few times before... but the flare & fire has always died. So now I am looking for a love that is rooted in peace & not in passion... I am looking for someone who does not have to start the burning fire that I always associated with love, but instead produces the soft glow that I know better as friendship. I want a love that touches me and holds me and comforts me...I have had enough of the love that scoops me up and carries me away and makes me lose my mind and my wits and all that other stuff. *sighs* I want a peace far far far beyond passion. I want a love that endures beyond those fires...and a lover who wants the same.
I have noticed that sex often fuels/inspires the passion that conceals the lack of peace. Thus...*deep breath* I have decided to remain celibate until I find someone that I will be willing to spend my life with. I am tired of the false connections & emotions that spring from sexual intercourse...and I am tired of the mind games that tend to be played in the pursuit of sexual intercourse. The other thing that I have decided is that while I will always be attracted to women...I will not look for one to be in a relationship with. Not that I will truly be 'looking' for a man...but *sighs* I can barely handle my own interpersonal issues... I can't handle the issues of another woman on top of that. Not that men's issues are any easier... but they tend to be so much different. *shakes head* I am ready for something REAL... something solid...something that is rock steady...and is based on something outside of me. *smiles* It almost sounds like I am describing a religion rather than a relationship, but ...I am...I have started my rituals back up...sorta... just trying to give myself a base that I can settle myself around.
It is amazing how things occur in our lives that affect us in ways we could never imagine a few years/months/ weeks further down the road we are all walking...if I had gotten a job in Atlanta...I would have had a child in a few months...if I had stayed with T. I most likely would have found a job here...had I continued with my original school path... I most likely would have never even MET T.
And now...so many things have happened that makes me glad to be leaving Atlanta for a bit of time. I need some space away from this city...so time to be alone and to form myself closer into the woman who is slowly reappearing as who I want to be. I WANT to leave this city that a few months ago I was fighting/hoping/praying to stay in. *shakes head* Who could have known? no-one...at least no-one human. And yet we humans are still stubborn enough to pretend to plan our lives and expect them to follow the plan we set.
The huge egos we hold in such tiny tiny bodies.

Healing begins from within...healing begins with the decision to heal and to change yourself and your surroundings in ways that contribute to healing...I prepare to leave one place that I grew in...to give my heart & spirit room to grow more.

Stay Jazzed.