Heavenly

On the rare occasions that someone presses me about what religion I am (and especially if they happen to be Christians hellbent on conversion) I tell them I am a lapsed pagan. It's truly (and sadly) about the closest 'label' I can stick on my beliefs.

From 5 until 13, every choice that was made for me was made in the name of Islam. Everytime we moved from one city to another, it was because the Muslim community wasn't 'good' or 'pure' enough, or they didn't follow the Hadi'th¹ closely enough. All that I picked up from Islam (as it was practiced in our community in the mid80's until the early 90's) was unequal limitations.
There was simply so much that I COULD not do, and so much that I was not allowed to do, and for reasons that even to my young mind made little to no sense - but it was Sha'ria². Or it was from a Hadi'th. Or the Imam ³ went and studied in Saudi and he said so and so it is so.
It's hard to sit here and try to summarize the endless little bits on anger and bitterness that I went through and still carry with me because of Islam. It's even harder to do so because I actually still believe that the 'pure' religion of Islam isn't really all that bad. In the world of the Sunni⁴ Muslims that I grew up with however, it was painful.

One shining example of how the communities I lived in twisted the religion about was the fact that all women over 15 HAD to wear purdah. Period. There were no exceptions. According to Islam - it is to always be the womens choice AND the men have as much responsibility to avoid the 'temptation' of women as the women did to make sure they weren't tempting.
Or the fact that all the boys were encouraged to learn as much as they could about anything, while the girls were to mainly study the Had'iths and the Quran. Who needs higher learning when you aren't supposed to leave the house unaccompanied?
The fact that I was smarter than all of the boys made the 'encouraged' ignorance even more painful.

The pain turned into anger, the anger turned into rejection, and finally at around 16 or so - I told my mother that I could no longer consider myself Muslim. I stopped praying, stopped reading the Quran, stopped believing and the only thing I regret - I stopped learning how to speak and read Arabic. She sweet talked me into keeping up the appearence of it (we aren't going to get into my mother right now....) until I graduated high school.
Th day after graduation, I took off the headpiece, and never looked back.
At that point in time, I would have classified myself as an atheist. I didn't believe in 'God', and I sure as hell didn't believe that He was looking out for me at all.
I went to a small, private, all girls school, whose motto was "Our Whole School for Christ". Um Yeah. Thankfully, the school itself was a lot more laidback than the motto would have you believe. However, my roomate for 3 out of the 4 years I lived on campus was a bible-beating, sprit-catching, Holy Roller. She would occasionally talk me into going to church with her, and everytime I went a feeling of utter revulsion would it in my stomach and stay there until the service was over. The only thing that I enjoyed was the singing...it made me feel something deep and wonderful and powerful that the preacher simply could NOT touch. I knew that Christianity held no attractions for me - even now I HATE going to church.
I can't quite remember what first turned me towards paganism. At some point while I was still in school (most likely shortly after I began exploring my sexuality) I began to feel - disconnected. I felt the need to be connected to others in a spiritual manner - but none of the paths that I 'knew' were spiritually healthy for me.
So. It seems like I have always known about Magic(k), witchcraft, and the like from my escapist readings all during my so-called childhood - but never really realized that for some people Paganism is their main spiritual base. I began reading everything I could find out about and realized that this is how I best connect. An appreciation and reverence for nature. A belief in paranormal abilities. A highly customizable 'framework' of 'worship'.
I have to admit - I want to believe that there is some form of intelligence out there that created everything. But I cannot believe that there is a form of intelligence out there that has any control whatsoever over what we as humans do in our day to day lives. I believe that there is nothing but humanity there to save, support, and provide for humanity.

But when I walk under a full moon, I can't but help smile at Lady Luna and send a few small thoughts her way. And I can't but help feel stronger and more peaceful and better after a cleansing ritual. But at the same time - I know that it's my own belief and my own impowerment that makes me feel better. :) It's an odd combination, the balance of belief and disbelief that float about in my head.

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1: Stories and Parables by the Prophet Muhammad and his disciples that Muslims are supposed to follow.
2: Law determined my Muslim Scholars.
3: Muslim Pastor/PReacher/Head Honcho
4: Sunni - type of Muslim. Sunni is what most Saudi's are, what most Iraqi's are not, and what Malcom X converted to after he left the Nation of Islam.