Fulfillment

My writerfriend and I were IM'ing, and he asked me what the opposite of fulfillment is. I'm not sure (and if anyone know the word that means that PLEASE tell me) but it set me on a train of thought.

I'm not fulfilled - I know I'm not. My life isn't full of wonderful places, people and things that keep me sparkling and alive. I'm not satisfied about where I am at in almost every area of my life, and I have no glowing plan for the future. But, at the same time, I can't say that I'm 'that word that is the opposite of fulfillment'. I'm not content either - I'm settled. I've slid down into a rut that most times I don't even notice. Occasionally, I will look up and see something I want hovering right above my rut, and I'm so conditioned to be HERE I don't even consider the possibility of being THERE. It's worse than inertia really - I'm a body who never knew that I even had the ability to be IN motion.

I have to be the change I want. Things might happen in my life that I want without me actively doing anything to obtain them (which really, is how most of my life has played out), but in order to insure that I get what I want - I have to DO what I want to do. I've been insane - assuming that by doing the same things I've done all my life, suddenly I'm going to look up and get different results.

The odd thing is, I don't know why! There is so much that I want to do and change and instead of DOING it (and some of it is sooo freaking simple) I just molder. Okay, some of it is just plain old laziness - I don't feel like getting off my ass and doing it. Okay - maybe most of it is laziness. And I'm so sure that the only cure for laziness is simply to not be lazy anymore. If I look at is as something simple, instead of an insurmountable task, it might be easier.

Spoiled is the problem. Almost the only thing that I actually have to expend physical energy on obtaining is a 'tight' body. Everything else can be pre-made, delivered, and custom-fit to me - with just a few button pushes and a sum of money. America is a country of lazy people who cover their laziness with the excuses of 'It's more convienent' or 'It saves time' or 'I don't have time to XYZ'. And to willingly decide to make things LESS easy for myself is pratically backwards from everything I've been subliminally taught.

I have to re-teach myself to not take the easy way out. Hm. A quote from my most favortie book of all time - Dune by Frank Herbert
"And always, he fought the temptation to choose a clear, safe course, warning, 'That path leads ever down into stagnation'."
That's where I've led myself over these years of taking the easy way out. If I'm not stagnant now, I'm damn close to the swamp. I don't like bugs enough to be fulfilled while surrounded by them. Change is okay - but I've always prefer the change initiated from the outside rather than the change that is initiated from the inside. It's easier you see, to be pushed here and there by a force outside of me than it is for me to push myself anywhere. The easy way out. I've daydreamed of being fired from this job so that I HAVE to find a new one.

I'm going to make life hard for myself - for a while. At least until I can see out of this Valley of 'that word that is the opposite of fulfillment'. I know the grass is greener on the other side.