Twitchy

Everyonce in a while (though lately it has seemed to be occuring more often than usual) I get twitchy and I want to change almost my entire life.

My latest twitch is my job - actually, that's been a twitch of mine for while now. I want to leave here so very badly. I'm not motivated, interested, or the least bit inspired by anything I do here. Yes, it's occasionally amusing, but I know this is NOT where I need or want to be - for any length of time.
I'm getting married in SEVEN months, and we plan on moving shortly afterwards (within the year).
So - I'm in a hunting mode. Honestly, I've no bloody clue what I want to do with my life. I majored in Computer Science in school because I was rather interested in computers (more as a tool than in how they worked) in high school, AND I got a lovely FULL ride to my #1 school - with one condition. I had to be a science major, and my choices were:
Math - I hate math. Always have, always will. Blame it on my mother.
Chemistry - Mostly okay. I didn't hate it, but it wasn't something that perked my nipples either.
Biology - No, no and no.
Physics - See Biology.
Computer Science - hm. I like computers, it seems interesting and WHOOOO mama look at those fresh out of college salaries!!!

Clearly - I went with computer science. While in college, I had a couple of internships that let me know that I did NOT want to write code to make a living - but didn't give me a real clear idea on what it was that I DID want to do. So - when I was offered a job straight out of college making boo-koo bucks that did NOT include a scrap of coding - I hopped on it like white on rice.

So - that brings me here - 8 years since I left high school, 3 years since I left college - and I am SO ready for a career change. Naturally - when you go to look at most of the career-oriented websites, they have a little section on changing your career - but it's targeted towards those who are over fifty. Hell - I'm not even over THIRTY!! And besides the fact that I DON'T KNOW what I want to do. *sigh* It's frustrating I tell you.

The jobs that appeal to me? Anything that requires a high level of organizational skills. I was an admin assistant for a year while I was in college - and I loved it. I hated the pay, and the fact that I never seemed to have enough to do and what I did have to do a trained monkey COULD do - but I liked the organizational skills needed. I liked being the hub - managing and working with people for results. (Ugh - can you tell I just went through performance management?) I liked troubleshooting - being presented with a problem and working CREATIVELY to solve it. I LIKED having to deal with something at least a little different every day - it provided a little spice to my life. And I LOVED the true 9 to 5 aspect (I was working for a bank).

At this point, the (oddly enough) only thing I would like to change is having a little more flexability in my work hours. If I want to work from 8am until 7pm - okay. If I want to work from 11pm to 1 am - okay. If I jsut plain old don't wanna work at ALL that day - okay.

And of course - that would lead one to say - Well, why not start a business from home? Simple answer - I don't trust myself enough to believe that I will/would be a success. I'm frozen with fear - looking at the looming pile of bills that seems to overwhelm me even when I DO have a fabulously well paying job - and I wonder how the hell I'm ever going to be able to convert to working for myself...without falling through the cracks of being unemployed.

So now - for the very first time since I've even considered a career - I have a chance to truly strike out on my own with one. I have some time (say a year) to stay here as a miserable little wageslave and at the same time fiugre out not only WHAT I want to do - but how I'm going to do it.
And for the past few months - the only thing that has gone *dingdingding* has been midwifery. And because of the mostly ridiculous legal issues around a woman's right to choose (they get us coming AND going) I'm not sure that I have the needed fire to NOT burnout as a midwife. So. I'm taking personality tests, thinking about what I wanted tobe as a little kid, browsing Monster.com, reading books on self-entrepaneurshp, and hoping beyond hope that SOMETHNG will come and bite me on the ass and say HEY!! I'm your perfect fit. But (as my personaliy test told me) I'm a pragmatically realistic person, and I don't really expect that to happen...all I really want is to figure it out on my own.

I feel like the slow kid in the back of the class - all the other kids are settled and happy and reading out of their crisp clean primers while I'm still trying to figure out how the HELL to get the book out of this gotdammned plastic.

No bloody wonder I'm twitchy.