Happy

What is it about having a new diary that makes it almost irresitible for the frist week or month? I feel like I have all these words sitting in my mouth that I need to just spew out somewhere - and this is it. Once my mouth (and mind) empty out and the words approach a level of normality I will write and write and write. Perhaps I should force myself to only write once a day? That would slow the flow of my repressed expressions - but it might also give the words time to redissolve into me. So. Here comes more spew.

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I'm happy. I am in getting married in less than SEVEN months - and I'm throughly, utterly and totally happy about that fact. There are times when I think that and I feel like tossing salt or SOMETHING over my shoulder. It doesn't really seem RIGHT somehow - for me to be so lucky and so content with him. I've gone through several relationships - none of which were truly BAD - just not well thought out. I've always believed that my own joy comes first and that if there is more pain than joy - I'm gone. And several times - I've left.

Part of what makes me happy is that with him, for the first time, I don't see any harbringers of issues that would make me want to leave. Yes, he's a sex freak of the highest order - but I was the same once and I totally believe that once I work though the events that caused me to STOP being a freak - he won't be able to handle me. Yes, he's an UTTER dingbat about money - but I've got enough financial acumen for both of us - and he's more than willing to work with me. Perhaps that's it more than anything else - we are willing and EAGER to work with each other in all ways - most of my failings he is able to compensate for and most of his failings I can compensate for. We work.

We've even lived together - and while there was a painful period of adjustment for The SuperIndependant Woman to have someone else in my HOUSE - it worked. We don't live together anymore and I miss him greatly, dearly, and constantly. I woner sometimes if the glow that I see/feel over our relationship is BECAUSE we don't live together - but in my heart I know it isn't. It's real and it's stable and it's true and it's love.

However - I'm upset about the almost certain fact that even after we get married we STILL won't be living together. We both have wonderful jobs where we are now - and we know (though we've only marginally discussed it) that we most likely won't live together during the first 6-9 months we are married. I'm not thrilled about it, he's not thrilled about it, and really - it sucks. But - eventually we will live together. Us and our cats and our future children and us. Always me & him.

And that makes me happy.