10:25

Sick.

Nervous.

In shock.

Scared.

It's not the OMG/happy/joyful feeling that I expected.

It's - shit, I'm shocked. Amazed. Astounded. All of these emotions swirling around, and none of them that I can look at and peg - happy.

Holy Fuck, I'm pregnant. Or, at least that's what this faint pink line is telling me. 3 cycles, and I'm still not ready. Or, maybe I am ready, but I just don't believe, just yet? Or, maybe I'm afraid that it's a chemical, I'll have a miscarriage, the baby will be deformed.....something.

One. Tiny. Fucking. Line, and my whole world has gone 'atilt'. And..... I don't know how I feel about that.

I'm not telling C until Sunday - Happy Fathers Day, Love!

I wanted to know before I told him, so that I could - come to grips with this. My life as I've known it is going to change radically at some point in Late Feb. And I'm terrified. It's going to change to the life I think I want - the life I've been telling myself I want - and I'm SCARED.

That's what it is. The joy and the celebration, and the OMG!!! YES!! is cloaked by this level of fear - will I be a good momma? Will I really be happy at home? Will we be in the poorhouse by June? I'm scared shitless, and it's a gray cloud hiding the sun of......

And it's so damn faint - hopefully it will get darker, and darker, and darker. Though, it IS only 11DPO. So.

Oh my god.

I'm pregnant.