So - I was digging around in my old files, and stumbled across this - and since it HAPPENS to be on the same day (jsut seven - SEVEN!!!!! years ago) I figured it would be cool to post it.
Loving U....aint't easy.... - 11/16/99
Yeah.. I'm at work Again....when else would I be able to write in peace??
I had a most interesting conversation yesterday...about falling in love & being in love. I was talking to one of my friends who is sprung...in love.. head over heels. Her man is her life, her heart , her soul. She has said quite often that she would not want to live without him, and that she is in a constant state of depression because he is in NYC and she is here. Okay...well and good. That is lovely and all for her, but when she tried to say that that is what being in love is all about. And at that point I bust out with... " I think that i am too independent to ever fall in love." * laughs * I nearly had the whole computer lab in chaos, as all these women tried to tell me that falling in love doesn't mean giving up who you are, it just means a blending of you and somebody else. * sighs * And yeah, I listened to what they had to say, but all of them were talking about how they started doing things what they never thought they would do... and I asked " That isn't a change of who you are?" they said that I would do these things without thinking about..simply because I wanted to...but why would I suddenly want to do something that I never wanted to do before...because I was in love?? * rolls eyes * Somehow.. I think not. And I don't think they understood what I was trying to say. What I was trying to say... in my own brief words was: I am unable to give of myself fully...I am unable to let myself go all the way. I analyze everything to see how this affects me . My boundaries of how far I let anyone into my heart have been set in stone, and it will take a lot more than love to break them down. I have fought too long and too hard to be my OWN woman to suddenly turn into a creation of someone else's love. And sometimes I regret that...a lot of times. Sometimes I wish that I I couldn't be so coldly analytical, and that I could let emotions run me for more than a few days. But I can't... or at least at this point in my life I won't. Why? *shrugs * I got burnt rather badly as a child... * laughs * Yeah.. I'm blaming this one on my 'parents' cuz going through 3 divorces between the same two people doesn't inspire precisely the greatest faith & trust in love. Going to shelters and cars and other folx houses cuz love led you there...doesn't quite inspire the security and comfort that I want in my life...so I opt out of that whole falling IN love shyt. I love... *nods * oh yes I love totally and fully and with my all. But I love as *thinks * as a part of me that is extended. My love is not so tightly wound around who I am that it can't be released without taking parts of me with it. I love as part of a feeling that I have FOR a certain person...but if that person was gone... I would not be destroyed within myself. I guess that is why I tend to treat my friends and my lovers so much the same. I am not willing to give anyone a higher status.. because that means I would have to do more than just love this person.. I would have to let that person inside of me...let them roam around the solitude that I call my heart..but I want to keep those rooms all to myself... letting no one else in...I need a place to retreat to that I can always call all mine own... created by me for me...and I let my heart be that place. So...yeah... I think I am too independent to fall in love. It requires a amount of change and rapture that I am not warm enough to see. *laughs * as my girlfriend says... 'caught up in the rapture' I *sighs * I ain't strong enough to endure the pain of falling OUT of love... so I never let my self go to fall In in the first place. *sighs * Maybe if I just once saw a happy love affair... that lasted till death did them part... that STARTED and ENDED with them still IN love..and not having gone to them just 'lovin' each other.. I might have a little more faith. But until the fairy tales start to come true... I will stick to loving those who deserve my love...and not fallin...for nothing.
Stay Jazzed.
Scarily enough, even afterh aving fallen head over heels in love, and having been married for three years - I still can't really disagree with the 21 year old I was then. I KNOW that there are parts of me that I don't let C into - and every day, I judge what I do for HIM means to ME.
*laughs*
I DO, however, do things for him that I would never have pictured myself doing for someone else - just because he likes it. I'm SO giving, and SO loving, that - I can't really hold back giving to others - I just hold back on giving MYSELF to others.
I think that sometimes, THAT is why I'm so - freaked/eager to have a child - because I think that will be the event that really shows me a hint of the expanse of my love.
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