Rolling up the doormat

I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I am such a non-confrontational kinda person, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’m not sure what the straw was… the comment about he makes what I have after bills…which I know isn’t true. But maybe he read that wrong. The fact that he uses stuff up, and never offers to replace it. The fact that he doesn’t offer to pay for anything that he uses. The fact that he has gotten just a LITTLE too comfortable in treating my house like his house. The fact that while I scrimp and save for every little thing that I want… he feels free to buy 80.00 dollars shirts and go to the pub and spend 70.00 bucks…and doesn’t even offer to take me out. The fact that he is saving at least 30.00 a night by being able to come to my home rather than catching a cab to his…and yet he feels no need to offer to help me with any of my bills. I feel like I’m just making it way too easy… offering him everything (material wise) and not getting anything in return. *shrugs* Yeah, he brings home a rack of steaks every once in a while…yeah he buys a pizza sometimes, yeah he….brings home loads of liquor…but to me that doesn’t make up for me buying a 28 load box of detergent, and only being able to wash clothes three times out of that box. It doesn’t make up for having 20.00 dollars worth of quarters left in the container, and when I come back to wash my clothes, there are none left. It doesn’t make up for me having body wash that I have used 3 times…and it is almost all gone. It doesn’t make up for using MY phone like it’s his…and not offering to help me out with the bill. It doesn’t make up for spending close to 30.00 bucks a month on pay per view, and not offering to pay for it. It’s like he lives there, but doesn’t pay any of the bills…and I’m tired of it. I KNOW I can live off of 500.00 bucks a month… I lived off of 250.00 a month while I was in Atlanta, and I KNOW I can do it here. I can’t however do it, when I’m basically supporting someone else. Yeah, he has his own apartment. But he is so very rarely there. He doesn’t have his own phone, he doesn’t have a car, he isn’t paying on his student loan (at least not regularly.. if he was then they wouldn’t have taken money out of his tax refund). He isn’t saving any money because he just opened a savings account. *sighs* I don’t like it…and it’s going to sound really odd when I say it…but I want him to move out. *laughs* Either move out or start paying some bills. I will miss not having him there as much, but I won’t miss the dead weight. *sighs* Money issues… I just wish I had enough.

And I hope I’m not taking it out on him… the fact that I feel lost and I am hunting for control somewhere… and this is one place (other than my waistline) where I know that the fat can be trimmed. And of course there is the fact that I am starting to feel…used shall we say? Not used… but not as valued. I’m not feeling like a precious jewel anymore… I’m starting to feel like the ol’ girl. Ugh. I don’t ask for much…and I guess sometimes that is just all that I get…but this.. this is ridiculous.

I guess you could say I am going through emotional earthquakes...a natural shifting of the basis of my emotional & mental viewpoint to the world.

It’s like I am reevaluating everything…not taking anything at it’s face value…not settling for anything. *Sighs* Once again, it’s gonna be a wild ride.


Stay Jazzed.