*swirls*

I have to learn to accept the fact that life - just (but not merely) the day to day move and flow and swing of things - that is beauty and life and joy and only the open mind can really - embrace that. 
Bleh, I'm rambling, and I plan on the ramble stumbling into realms of faith, which is why I'm writing here, but - I feel so, so - conflicted, a lot of the times. 

It's not that I hate my job  - because I don't. There are some days where it's the most - exciting and challenging thing I do all day. But, it's the days where I feel utterly worthless, like I'm a warm ass in a cold seat, that challenge me the most.  And I find that the more I read into spirituality, the more I study, the more I stumble across gems of selfawareness, the lower my tolerance is for - lacking purpose. It's not that I NEED to be moving all the time, it's just that I want the moments of stillness to still have a reason, a purpose, a goal.  
Maybe it's just that I don't see that much value in insuring that the stock value goes up, or that the supply chain stays tight, or - whatever new technology we are implenting works perfectly. 
But that's not ME - I'm a person who is usually very focused on my work, and very - concerned with making sure that MY work is the best that I can possibly make it - but I still suffer from a disconnected feeling of - emptiness - when I sit here at this desk and stare at my computer screen. 
Then - I stumble across something that both exhilerates me (by allowing me to feel like what I am feeling IS - not normal, but at least expected) and at the same time depresses me by reminding me of how much longer (2 years) I NEED to be here in order to pave the proper pathway to my life. For example, today on one of my newsgroups I stumbled across this gem: 

It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.  ~ J. Krishnamurti

and I just felt SO much better, and so much worse all at once.  Better, because I've always skirted the edges (at least mentally) of american society, and worse because I do live in such a sick society.  then of course, I started tracking down his other works (as I had jackall else to do at work) and found a online version of his book "Beyond Violence" - which I promptly printed and plan on reading later. As I was rummaging through the web sources for him, I stumbled across another gem, which (here's the segue) must tie into my study of Ma'at - but I'm not sure how.

Truth is a pathless land and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. Truth, being limitless, unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organized; nor should any organization be formed to lead or to coerce people along any particular path. My only concern is to set humanity absolutely, unconditionally free. Man cannot come to it through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, not through any philosophic knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find it through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection.

How true, how terrifying.  Ma'at is (among other things) Truth. 

Ma'at  is a pathless land and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. Ma'at, being limitless, unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organized; nor should any organization be formed to lead or to coerce people along any particular path. My only concern is to set humanity absolutely, unconditionally free. Man cannot come to Ma'at through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, not through any philosophic knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find Ma'at through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection. 

*blinks* *deep breath*  That - resonates within me.  It also resembles part of my path thus far, though, because I tend to stay in my headspace ALLLLL the time, releasing the need for intellectual analysis and introspective dissection will be - challenging - but - worth it. I think. 

*sigh* 

I need to go swimming.