Snarky.

Had a WONDERUFL weekend, first off. Spending time in the woods is becoming more and more fun for me - despite the tick I picked off the back of my neck (didn't get bit though). *shudders* Anyhow - had a wonderful weekend, spent WAYYY too much money (I've been a bad, bad girl) and got a lovely bit of a tan.  C pointed out my tans lines as I took my first shower in three days last night.

So - why the snarkiness? It's not work - well, not totally. It's not the fact that I lost a long and rather intricate LJ entry I was working on about my brainsimmers. It's not - the weather (I love it, actually.)

It's a rather low grade frustration - with myself, with other people, with the world as a whole. I know, I KNOW that nothing is ever perfect - but sometimes, I just despair over the future. I despair over people. I wish I could scoop everone up and give them as much love as they needed, and could teach them how to love everyone else, and how to honor themselves and the world and each other and just - be NICE, dammit.

But I can't, and I know I can't, and when I write it out, it almost sounds kinda silly. But - it makes me sad, and frustrated sometimes.

And then, I'm also generally disappointed in myself. I want to lose weight. I've been saying that I want to lose weight and get in better shape and blahblahskippy for - YEARS. And yet, lately, when I've been presented with a plan - with a way to do this, and be safe, and be healthy - this overwhelming FEAR response shows up - which honestly, confuses the living FUCK out of me. Afraid? I'm SCARED to lose weight? What the hell? I know I can do it - I've done it before. I know I can gain it back - hell, that's the easy part. I've wanted to be skinner for - hell, as long as I can remember. So - I mean - what's up with this stomach clenching, sweaty handed fear that hits me? It's not fear of poeple laughing and pointing as the fatgirl slaves away in the gym. It's not a fear of being hungry and deprived (okay, maybe a little deprived) and grumpy. It's not a fear of anything that I think of offa the top of my head. It's just a frozen feeling of - I dare not. It feels like losing weight is - dangerous, almost. 

I'm not sure if it's my usual reaction to any major change in my life - but it feels like more than that. I'm giving myself until the end of the month to get used to the fear (and to figure out some actual realities of the situation) before I start my new plan. I've been trimming down my calories, and have lost nearly 6 pounds in the last three weeks - but I'm eating soooo unhealthily.

So, I'm snarky because I'm not behaving properly, and I'm just pushing that onto the rest of the world and saying THEY aren't behaving properly. Humph. I should be better than that. I've had to be careful of my notes and comments, otherwise I know this snidely superior snarkiness is going to raise it's ugly head and say things that otherwise wouldn't be said.

Maybe I just need a nap.