The first day of many days to come....

I'm 29, married, childfree, weigh 242lbs, and stand 5'4 tall. I've always known, if a kinda fluffy, off in the distance kinda thing, that I'm fat. And, like 90% of overweight people, I always longingly fantasized about waking up one day, perfectly skinny and gorgeous - but it never actually happened. I would start 'dieting' and 'exercising' and something would happen, and I would stop - and never start back up, until suddenly I looked up, and had packed all the weight I lost back on.
But, I was in denial. I neatly managed to avoid taking any picture that showed more of me than my head, and the slow shrinking of my wardrobe was also tossed onto the 'things I'd rather not thing about' pile in the back of my head.
Then, three things happened to me in the span of a month - on top of my growing disgust with the footprint of how I currently eat.
1) I realized that we will be trying to concieve in about a year, and I've always told myself that I will NOT be the Fat Mommy.
2) I encountered the journal of a previous fatman, who now does fitness modeling - and his previously fat wife, who ALSO does fitness modeling now - they both changed through changing their diet, and working out.
3) I saw a picture of myself - fullbody, sitting down, and was almost physically revulsed by it. I couldn't believe it was ME - I'm not that huge, fat woman! I can't be - that's NOT what I see when I look in the mirror.

But - at the same time, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I ever became this fat. I'm ashamed that I'm going to whine, and cry, and make excuses, and then get up and do it all over again. I don't want anyone who knows me to know that I've hit rockbottom, and that I think that I'm finally ready to get off my fatass and really make a change. And I'm a little scared that I'll fail, and I'm even more scared that I'll succeed.

Starting today - I'm changing my life. I'm changing my first impression. I'm changing me, and I'm really scared that the woman who will be left, won't be the woman that I am now - and I don't know if I'll love her the same.

My name is Kiya, and this is my Gynesyss.