Expansion....

So, I was laying in bed last night, just - thinking. Thinking largely about how 'acceptance must come before change', and how I am in total denial of how big I am. So - I lay there, and I just thought about - accepting my size. There is a difference between vague shame ("I'm so ashamed to not be skinny") and denial ("I may not be skinny, but at least I'm not huge"). Both are, in different ways, lies. I'm not ashamed of being fat - I'm embarassed. I'm not 'semi-huge', I'm huge. Those are the simple facts - and I MUST come to a point where I can accurately - feel - myself.
I've always had a very hard time getting/being in touch with my physical self. I'm an intensely cerebral person, and as I lay there last night, I wondered how much of that was due to the lies I had been telling myself - if I'm not THAT fat, then, of course I wouldn't able to be in touch with my full physical self, because I am denying/ignoring 1/3 of it.
My lack of awareness of my own physical size also makes it - hard - for me to lose weight - because even when I weighed 190 - I didn't SEE a real difference. I felt like - I wasn't really any skinnier, because my mental image of me and my physical reality were actually just BARELY in sync at that point. I didn't feel any skinnier, because I never really acknowledged how fat I was.
And yes, I know that I wear a size 22, and I weigh 243 pounds, and that I've got rolls upon rolls on my back, and I look like I'm about 6 months pregnant - but - I honestly don't SEE that when I look at myself. I see it terrifingly crystal clear in photos of me, but when I look at myself in the mirror - I don't SEE the blob that I actually am.
And while, I don't really MIND - as I'm sure my ability to plausibly deny the actual phyiscal condition of myself has been one of the main props in my personal selfesteem, it's also self defeating, because - if I don't see it, I'm not going to have much - motivation to change it.
So - all of this went through my head last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, and I realized also, that for the first time - suprising, considering how MANY times I've tried to lose weight - for the first time I was actually THINKING about what I'm doing. Not to say that I didn't think before - but I always thought about externalities. About the menu and the shopping list and the workout clothes and the schedule - I never sat down and talked to ME, and said - 'Aiight Kiya - why are we doing this? What's our motivation? What's our goals - really, in our heart of hearts?' And I think that - lack of preparation - is largely what's tripped me up before. Because, ya know, despite all of the preparation, and all of the planning, if I didn't REALLY believe that I NEEDED to do this - at the first roadblock, it's all going to collaspe. It's going to curl up, and fade away, and I'm not going to really feel like I'm MISSING anything - because in my head, I never REALLY needed it in the first place.

I read someplace, not too long ago, that in order to achieve REAL weightloss - and especially to maintain it - it's almost as much of a mental challenge as it is a physical one. Without the mind, the body can only go but so far - and obviously, the mind can be all kinds of ready, but without the physicality of it - you aren't going to succeed longterm.

So this is me, talking to and thinking with me, about exactly what's going on. And first, I have to come to grips with reality. I'm considering (rather seriously too) over the weekend - or at some point where my husband isn't home (that discussion I've been stubbornly putting off as well - I've talked my way through most of my fears), and dressing up in some of my FAVORITE outfits, and then taking pictures. Pictures that I would have at work, in the car, at home - pictures of me, as I am, so that I can start to not only accept, but also FEEL my size. *laughs* The only picture I have of myself at work now is my wedding picture - at which I weighed the least I have ever weighed in my mature life, so ya know, THAT's not really helping.

One thing I am doing, is that I'm not going to put off starting the way I usually do, by saying that I need to have all of my ducks in a row before I actually start something. I've acknowledged to myself that is just plain - unacceptable. I've accepted the fact that achieving the body I want to have - the body that I DO have when I close my eyes and invision myself - isn't going to be over with in a day or a week or even a year. This is going to be an - adventure - that I'm going to be on for MOST of the rest of my life, which means I also have all of that time to THINK about it, and work things through, and face my personal stumbling blocks/stepping stones as time comes to it. I really DON'T have to have everything perfect in order to start - I just have to have one DAY perfect, in order to start - and to keep going.

So. I think I'll do another entry a little later about my husband.