Suddenly sensible

My problem, you must understand, is that what I want and what I can have diverge from each other at the very moment that the idea of wanting enters my head. But, since I have no will power – what I want tends to win over the reality of what I can have. Once I’m sated – my wants fulfilled – I frown upon the state that I have willingly launched myself into.

So – once again I’m utterly broke. Went out to dinner last night at one of the places we are thinking about having cater the wedding – the food was good but ended up being just a wee bit more pricey than I had expected. *sighs* And I really need a new tire. *sighs*

Well…last night was actually quite wonderful. We left and went to go and look at the site that I found that might be nice for the wedding. The road to it was locked, so we couldn’t get close enough to it to really see it – however we were able to get to see the second choice – and I must say that place was QUITE nice. As me and Corey said back and forth to each other most of the way to dinner – ‘ If that was the SECOND choice – what’s the FIRST choice look like???’ In other words – we’re excited.

In general – I don’t know. Maybe I’ve just been super moody lately – it seems like I can’t quite put things in perspective. I’m either in a state of naïve bliss – like I am today – or in a state of pessimistic hopelessness – like I’ve been last week. The bliss bits are nice – fun – hopeful I guess. I’m just plain NOT worried about anything – why bother? But at the same time, I’m a hopeless planner.

I’ve been kicking around the thought of writing on this weeks topic – but the way I want to state my phobias hasn’t quite solidified yet. I’ve got lots of stuff that I am scared of – some of it even creeps in my dreams with me – but most of my phobias come in a very human shape. So – I’m working on expressing them right.

Hmm – I wrote not too long ago about how depressed reading/watching the news makes me…and ever since then I have been more interested in ferreting out News – real stuff that really matters that I would have to scour the pages of the Star to find – and still I would only grab a few brief lines. So…I’ve started reading other magazines – other web sites – and while it is STILL depressing – and even rather scary – it’s comforting in an odd way. It’s still mostly about scandal and death and bribery and lies on a global scale – but at least I’m not the only one wondering about certain oddities – at least I can feel rather assured that I’m not crazy – or if I am I’m not the only crazy one by far. Besides – I feel more intelligent having at least a minor grasp on world issues. Less like the average person who doesn’t know, and doesn’t care that they don’t know. My hands are still very small, and the problems are still very large – but at least I know that it’s not just my hands and head looking at these problems.

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with one of my friends about atheism, and religion in general.
I wonder if most of my beliefs are like that – I tend to hold them quite firmly, but never express them in concrete terms for myself. However, if someone asks me about them, or if I get in a conversation about them, I can almost immediately express them in a clear and concise manner that explains almost perfectly how I feel – and it tends to surprise me. I guess subconsciously I know exactly what I believe and how I feel about certain things (and most certainly NOT everything) - but because it’s my belief I don’t feel the need to defend or intensely analyze it within myself. I tend to reject almost anything that doesn’t ‘vibe’ with me – sometimes fully aware that I am allowing my own prejudices to kick something out of my life, and sometimes not until much later do I realize how much I have turned away from an idea or concept or person…just because it doesn’t resonate with me.

hmm… I think I’m done for a minute or two.

Jasmyn