Retreat, retreat!

I sit here, and I feel - squished. Narrowly confined and contained in a box of my own making, and the frustration bubbles up in me until I throw myself into empty mindless activities because thinking about it just makes me feel worse. I've never been much of the type to be an ostrich, but I can certainly understand the lure.  Awareness isn't always that comfy place of peace and Nirvana and light - sometimes, being aware is really rather uncomfortable.  

I'm - afraid to think lately. I'm afraid to explore, to read, to study, because I'm not sure that I'm ready to explore. I'm - I'm not sure that I have the time/heart/energy in me to fully explore, to fully discover, and to fully use what I learn.  I'm vaguely terrified of obtaining something that I don't know what to DO with - I'd much rather wait until I do know what to do with it, THEN obtain it.  I'm a big wuss, in other words.

I'm babbling, I know, really - this is just me thinking outloud on the page because I'm having a hard time focusing on the spreadsheet I'm supposed to  be working on, when my mind keeps wondering if my Ma'at statue on my desk is staring at me.  

*sigh* I (rather foolishly, I suspect) joined a 'coven' (online) in Memphis, and there is supposed to be a group meeting tomorrow. I'm going in with an open mind - really, I am - but... *sighs* let's just say that I don't expect much AT ALL.  I don't mind - not at all - working with those who don't follow my path - considering I don't yet fully understand it, that seems only reasonable and fair. At the same time...... Hm. I don't know.  Do all covens have rules & restrictions, Bylaws & Guidelines?  Maybe that's it - anytime I see a buncha rules, I suspect that they were made because the people in power felt a need to control something - and the only way they could was to put together Thou Shalts and Thou Shalt Nots - and - I don't think that such a thing is - appropiate - in an informal coven that is open to people of any Pagan/Wiccan path.  *titls head* Ah, I know what really chapped me bum - the expectation that everyone would follow the Witches Rede. Um, hello, not the Witch!  

But, I didn't discover this stuff til AFTER I joined the online group, and in the spirit of a fair shake, I'm going to go to the meeting.  If it's just me & the Coven founder - who has a very ballsy Craftname, if I do say so myself (and if she isn't a crone..... I might not even stay through the whole thing). Who knows? I may have already met someone through the group, so - it's not all bad, I suppose.  It's just - worrying.  And how, exactly, do you have a coven meeting in a bookstore? Hmm? *sigh* 

I'm trying, really I am, to not be a grumpy assed old woman.  But - damn, let's jsut say it's a hard road to tread. Sometimes, heads simply SHOULD be bitten off.  

*snap!* 

Perhaps I need to sit and chat with Sekhmet for a while - she knows all about the desire to nibble at heads.  *sigh*