Whinging.

I've been going all over, spreading my weepy ass across the landscape, so I figured, why should my weight loss journal be any different, hmmm?

So. still at 241 - yeah. Still eating - yeah. *sigh* I'm kinda, sorta, almost, but not really wondering if I have a mild ED - let me flow of consiouness for a while.

So... over the weekend, I was thinking (and bitching) about the fact that I HAVE to eat in order to lose weight, Not only that, but I have to eat regularly - or, more realistically, anytime my body says it's hungry. Now, I've always been able to tell the difference between hunger and boredom, hunger and thirst, and real hunger - so, that was never an issue. The thing is - I usually ignored it. I ate when I was good and ready - which might have been 6 hours after my body said 'Hey, hun? FEED ME!!!'.
I realized that I've always associated a sort of - spiritual purity - to not eating. Okay, maybe not SPECIFIALLY to not eating, but to transcending what my body demanded that I do, and control it with my mind - ie. not eating because my body said so, but eating because my brain wanted to eat. It felt - it feels - cleaner, righter, more in control - than leaping to the fridge the instant my body demanding food - whether I was in the middle of something or not.
But - doing some further thinking about it, I realized that is most likely why I lost so much weight on Atkins - AND why I stopped losing weight. I was able to lose so much weight because not only was I eating frequently, I had also 'tricked' my body into feeding off of it's fat source when it would normally tell me that it was hungry. As I lost more and more weight, I started eating less and less, and despite the 'eat fat' trickery, by body started being more reluctant to let anymore weight go, because you know, I've apparently got those famine genes. So - if I had continued to eat - maybe not ALOT, but at least regularly - I might have lost more weight.

I've noticed, over these last few weeks - the weeks that I eat - all seven days of the week, and don't skimp out and eat only once on Saturday, and once on Sunday (if at all on Saturday, depending on what time I wake up) I lose weight. Period. The weeks that I DON'T eat on the weekend, or skip a lunch, or eat a low-protien dinner - I gain or maintain.

In order for me to lose weight, it is simply NOT an option for me to skip meals. I NEED to eat breakfast, I NEED to eat lunch, I NEED to eat dinner - and I most likely should be sliding in a snack or two inbetween there to keep me going. That's so damn irksome.

I've also noticed that my blood sugar is MUCH more variable - it really is dependant on me eating, and if I go too long without eating, I can FEEL myself getting grumpy and - easily irritated. Or, I get a headache. Sheesh, is this what it's like to have a NORMAL metabolism? You have to EAT frequently?? Blargh. Too much bloody trouble is what it is. But - at least I'm learning, and I can accept the fact that for me to get what I want out of my body, I have to give it what it wants. The spoiled bitch.

In other news - I STILL don't have a blankety-blankety keycard for the fitness center. I'm - ready to start working out. Okay, I haven't fully figured out the whole clothing/shower issue - but that's just a matter of a little forethought. I suspect that once I start exercising, I'm going to be even HUNGRIER, and I'll HAVE to eat those inbetween snacks (and a more robust breakfast than yogurt) - delightful. But - I won't mind as much, cuz I'm sure my body will be routing those protiens into muscle, so, okay.

*sigh* There, I think I'm done whining. I've tried to be REALLY good with food this week (all of Wednesday that it is) and we shall see what the scale says Monday. I honestly do think I'm losing/rearranging, because some of my clothes are fitting slightly different. Can't say it's better or worse, just - different.