So - finalized

So. Talked to C, and he just popped my whole and entire excited-about-getting-a-house bubble.

I don't talk about him here much - but - bugger, I've got to write this out.

He's a chef. He's a damn good chef, and he's working for a pretty flashy company right now. He's working way under his potential though. The hierarchy in the kitchen goes something like this - from lowest to highest...

Cook
Line Cook
Sous Chef
Exec Sous Chef (Exec Sous for short)
Exec Chef (Exec for short)

Before we left Indiana, he opened a new restaurant as a Exec, and he got fired because he was making too much money at a place that was hemorraging money out of both ends. In the kitchen/food industry, the classic way to rebalance the budget is to fire the person making the most money. Yeah, delightful, isn't it?

So, he didn't have a job when we moved to Memphis - the Indianapolis market was pretty stale, and since we knew that we were about to move, he looked - but he didn't find anything for the short term.

So, we get to Memphis, and he finds a job at the above mentioned cushy club company - as a line cook. He took the job though, mainly for two reasons. 1) The Exec there was willing to teach him how to carve ice. 2) The Memphis Culinary market seems to be very much an old boy's network, and he needed to get into the scene somehow.

So, he's making crap money. Really - it's nice to have the extra money, but - it's crap money, all the same. He talked to his Exec earlier this week about starting the process to be officially certified as an Exec Chef through the company  (dammit, let's call them CC, Inc.), and seeing how things lay six months from now, and maybe getting an Exec position at another one of CC's locations....or maybe getting an Exec job in the Memphis area at one of the free standing restaurants, or maybe getting a Sous/Exec Sous position at the place he's at now.

But - I'm sure you see the dilemna, and oddly enough, it hadn't really - presented itself to me in my mind that way. I mean, yeah - I had heard him talk about getting a Exec position at another ClubCorp location - but it didn't CLICK. It didn't click that that potentially means that we WON'T be staying in Memphis for any extended period of time, and - Gah. I'm having a REALLY hard time with that.

I like Memphis. I like the people - I'm actually starting to make friends - I like the cost of living - I like the home prices - I like the climate - I like the location - I really dig this city. And we had both talked before about really wanting to make Memphis our long-term home, and it bugs me to no end that we are going to put ourselves in a holding pattern for - shit - at least a year, possibly two - before we figure out where we are going to actually SETTLE DOWN - because of a bloody POTENTIAL job.

Bugger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And - and - what if we DO end up staying in Memphis? How long is it going to take for us to be SURE? How high will the interest rates be then?

And the thing that really bugs me is that - *sighs* I know. I know - after being with him for SIX YEARS - that - really, the food industry is about the least farking stable industry EVER. Okay, okay, Music might be worse - but you get my drift. And - and he can work ANYWHERE - that's one of the perks of being a chef - people want to eat the world over. And - it - bugs me - that we are going to be in a holding pattern for maybe a year, maybe two, for a chance at a job that he might not KEEP for more than a bloody year. *sighs*

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

I'm tired of not having roots. I'm tired of not being settled. I love my apartment, I do, but - I'm almost thirty, and I think I'm sick of moving. I don't think I ever want to move again. Maybe I'm being too narrowminded to think that I will like another city as much as I like Memphis. Maybe I'm being stubborn because that house REALLY spoke to me. Maybe I'm being stubborn because I'm just a bundle of ticking nerves and impatient motives.

But - I don't even know - I can't  - I can't even begin to - to try to explain this to him. Is it fair - in any way shape or form - to say to him - I want to stay here. I want you to find a position HERE - or at least close to here - that will satisfy you. I don't WANT to be in a holding pattern until 2008 before we can seriously sit down and talk about buying a house because we are actually going to STAY in a city. And - I don't think it is fair. One of the main reasons that he's looking for a better job is so that I don't have to work, and we can start having kids - and I know that, and I know that he knows that, and - dammit, it's frustrating, but is it fair?

Hey, who knows - maybe he'll get an Exec position next week and this will all be a moot point. Maybe he'll be able to stay and move up at the location that he is at in six months, and maybe that house will still be on that market. (Notice how it's 'that house' instead of The House now?) Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe I'll win the lottery tommorow and none of this will matter.

Today though, I'm pretty damn bummed out.