Oh, Me of Little Faith

*sighs* Once again, I'm craving a spiritual path that I can call my own. I've swung through two of the Big Three (Islam and Christianity) both of whom I - discarded as not being true to me. While I find Judiasm to be an interesting faith - it doesn't - call to me - in any shape or form. For years, if asked what I 'was' I would either claim to be pagan, or heathen, or nothing at all. Lately, Heathen has become my standard answer - but my issue with that is that it is sooo very, very, vague. I'm not Wiccan, in any way shape or form - largely because as much as I've TRIED to immerse myself into it - it isn't mine. As a black woman - it doesn't feel - right nor authentic to worship a European/Celtic/Roman pantheon. I've looked into the Diaspora religions, hoping those would resonate more - and while there is more - comfort - I don't feel like I'm wandering outside of myself - and I very very much so want a Tarot set with Vodun imagery on it - it still doesn't speak to my spirit in a way that allows me to say - Yes! This is how I should commune with the All.

I was briefly exposed to Kemetism while I lived in Atlanta, and considering how much of an Egyptophile I am, I almost instantly thought that I had found my path. As I looked further into it though (largely in bookstores) I began to realize that it was very - nationalistic/Afrikan. While I have made the CHOICE to not practice Wicca because it doesn't fit my concept of my ethnic profile, I could not see myself choosing a path that purposefully excluded people because of their race - it felt wrong enough that despite my love for all that is Egypt, I just - couldn't. Then, last year I was wandering through the boards on Beliefnet, and shock upon shock - found practioners of Kemetism who were black, white, hispanic - and the form of Kemetism that they praticed was open to all who would follow the path of Ma'at.

Joy! Hope! Eagerness! This - this could be - this should be my path. The - resonance was there. The - culture - was there. I could commune with the All along that path - as soon as I knew what the path was. And there - that is the point at which my dichotomy reared it's ugly head again. I had finally come to the point where I could put a NAME on the path that I wished to follow - but I had no teachers, no guides, no companions along the path. Because Kemetism is a relatively new reclamation path - those who have been traveling it seem to only be sharing their knowledge within a small circle of devotees (who all seem to live in California!) and only the Afrikan Nationalistic path seemed to be publishing books.

So what did I do? I let it slip to the back of my mind - keeping my eyes open for signposts to Kemetism, but - not actively pursuing it. I read a little, I scanned through forums, I tried to find local heathens who practiced this path. And - nothing. My mental dichotomy was working, pushing me to claim this path, yet holding me back from simply creating it as an Ecletic because that did not feel authentic. *grins* I mean, just give me a syallbus!

So where does that leave me now? With my new awareness of my dichotomy - what can I do to work around it? Kemetism isn't like becoming a doula/midwife - there are deeper things of the spirit that cannot be explained - and that I'm afraid I won't recognize. I can't sit down and create a guideline of how to travel through the Mysteries - if I knew that, I would have already traveled that path! So - what do I do? What can I do? I'm not sure. I don't even know where to start. *laughs* lately, I've been considering making this a research project of mine. I suspect that my best resource will be the internet, and heaven knows that I have more than enough time at work to collect and collate at least the first few steps along this path.
Since I want to be able to access my information from anywhere, I figured I would put together a new chapter on my OD to keep track of the information I find & the like....

Just to make it clear - I really have NO intention of joining a 'church'. I'm seriously a solitary for LIFE. *smiles* I was talking about this to one of my boys (I love my men!) and he asked me what role I expected religion/spirituality to play in my life. It took me aback for a second, (and see - this is why I love him, cuz he forces me to articulate my feelings) and I said that I want it to be a ritualized connection to the All/Universe. *grins* He then noted that, really - I could make that up. And ya know, I've tried - but it just doesn't feel AUTHENTIC. It FEELS made up. That's also why I've avoided some other paths - there is always SOMETHING missing, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Anyhow - once I do determine what my path is - it will be mine. It will be based within a specific religious 'structure' - but it will DEFINITELY be self-guided.